When a Boyfriend Joins the Marriage

relationship

MODERN LOVE

They agreed she could have sex on the side as long as he didn’t have to know about it. Then she fell in love.

Credit Brian Rea


By Sherry Richert Belul

They started this job more than a year ago. Most homeowners would be annoyed at how long it’s taking. I’m not. They’re building it for free. They’re building it for me.

I bring them water. I kiss one good night but not the other. One is my boyfriend of 10 years. The other is my husband. My husband and I actually consider ourselves exes, but we never divorced. We still love each other, just not romantically. We have lived together all these years under the same roof, although not the same bedroom.

What happened was this: 15 years ago, I woke up in the night, nudged him awake and said, “I need your permission to have an affair.” 


Our then 2-year-old son had just left the family bed. My husband and I were alone again with a gaping hole where passion should be. We had tried to bring it back through counseling, sex therapy and lingerie. I needed the dance of knee against knee under the table. I needed an unabashed, open-mouthed kiss. So we came to an agreement.

I don’t want to know,” he said. “Don’t bring it home.”

This went on for several years. I met men at hotels and at their homes in the hills.

Then, I met a new guy at a bar in the Mission District, the perfect place to meet before a one-night stand. Except I fell for him the moment he handed me a red Gerber daisy. I fell for the small gap between his teeth. I touched his hand by feigning interest in the ring he had made from a bicycle spoke. We loved the same obscure music.

Days later, he waltzed with me on Berkeley Pier, my gloves arranged in his breast pocket like a kerchief. He created a rabbit out of a squeegee and a towel and made me laugh at its antics.

The afternoon I chose to tell my husband, light streamed into our yellow kitchen. Our son was in his room, playing with Hogwarts toys.

“This wasn’t our agreement,” he said. We discussed it calmly. One of us mentioned divorce. One of us said, “Should we move apart?” Then it was silent again.

I was a child of divorce. When I came home from school, the house was empty. My mother worked an hour away and didn’t get home until after 6.

I saw my father on Sundays, sometimes. He would take us to car shows or to buy fish for our aquarium. I don’t think he ever wanted children. He wasn’t interested in talking to me about books or cheerleading. He once jokingly tossed me over the side of a boat, saying, “That’s how you learn to swim!”

My siblings were wild, sneaking out to parties in the woods. I grew up mostly alone. I dreamed of having a family to travel with or joke together over dinner.

I had this now. We made Lego villages, played music, sang out of tune. We stopped for smiley-face pancakes when we drove to San Diego to see my in-laws. We took up a whole row on the airplane, creating our own happy world of snacks, cartoons and surprises for our son.

I couldn’t imagine not waking up in the house with my child, having to drop him off at his father’s house, not kissing his sleepy cheeks every night.

I wanted my family. And I wanted my boyfriend.

When I suggested we could be roommates, my husband agreed. I clung to the idea like a life raft.

We ordered another bed and turned my husband’s office into a second bedroom. I didn’t know if it was possible to create a new kind of family, but like a child who pushes against the boundaries of her parents’ rigid rules, I wanted to find out.

Months later, I said, “I want to introduce him to our son.”

“If you bring someone else in,” my husband said, “we need to move apart. I don’t want to meet him.”

Weeks passed. Then my husband said, “Wild Side West. 5:30. Wednesday night.”

I don’t remember if I drove to that meeting with my husband or my boyfriend. I do remember sitting in the beer garden with sweat on my forehead.

We sat in a little triangle, my husband sitting stiffly and my boyfriend leaning back as if to give us more room. I perched on a rickety stool. We could have been in a lawyer’s office, drawing up papers.

The moment was about a child. The conversation was about who we are to this boy. Who will we be to him and to each other? How do we trust?

We set a meeting for the playground the following week. We three adults had planned it out carefully. My son and I would be playing on the monkey bars. My boyfriend would show up and I would introduce him as my friend.

When he arrived, he was carrying an old radio and some tools. He had remembered from our conversations that my son loved to disassemble electronics.

My boyfriend juggled two screwdrivers and a wrench and made my son laugh. He smiled and said, “Hey buddy, want to take this thing apart with me?”

When this began, we still lived in a large apartment in the Mission; there was room for privacy the nights my boyfriend stayed over. It was awkward at first, but as the years passed we spent more time as a foursome — cooking, playing board games.

Twice a year we all traveled to my mother’s house in Ohio, along with my husband’s parents, spending two weeks in a flurry of card games, water balloon fights and lingering meals.

Then the owner of our apartment decided to sell and offered us an enormous sum of money to surrender our rent-controlled lease. In most places, that money could have bought us a house. In the Bay Area, it wasn’t even a down payment. The only place we could afford was half the size of our apartment. There wouldn’t be room for home offices, most of our furniture or my boyfriend.

At the new house, my beau built a platform so I could store the mattress beneath a raised office, but it never felt right. It wasn’t sexy to sleep with him under piles of papers and the glow of the computer screen saver.

One day when he and I were lying in the trundle bed staring up at a jumble of cords, he said, “Let’s talk about building you a studio.” But I didn’t have the money.

“We could scavenge what we need,” he said. “If we start by building a foundation, maybe it will come together even if we don’t see how it can work.”

The backyard was a mess of dirt, broken bottles and rusty metal when he began digging. He patiently began clearing it out. One day my husband donned work gloves and jumped in, too. When we ran out of scavenged materials, my husband generously purchased supplies.

Months of Sundays passed to the synchronized beat of hammers and the sound of music and laughter as the framing was built. My husband taught me how to use the nail gun. My boyfriend took pictures as I nailed on the avocado-green siding. There’s a selfie of the three of us grinning from behind our dust masks, covered with flecks of fiberglass on the day we stuffed insulation into the walls.

Those two men painstakingly installed layers of drywall, reaching their long arms to the ceiling over and over. Before they hung the last piece, I hid gold dollar coins inside next to the studs and a photo of three generations of people who are related in ways there aren’t words for.

They left the beautiful thick beam in the ceiling exposed. After you walk into the studio and admire the golden light and the warm oak floors, that exposed beam catches your eye. It’s the through line, reminding me of our love for our son.

We wanted this child to grow up in a happy household. That beam was strong enough to convince us all to hold onto the vision. It’s like a dream I have had countless times in which I discover a room in my house that I didn’t know was there.

That’s our life now. We are building a family without a blueprint.

The New York Times    

Sherry Richert Belul, who lives in San Francisco, is the author of “Say it Now: 33 Creative Ways to Say I Love You to the Most Important People in Your Life,” due out in May.

Modern Love can be reached at modernlove@nytimes.com.


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30 Best Sex Games To Kink Up A Stale Marriage

Entertainment, relationship
best sex games

Do you want to play a game?

Marriages aren’t easy to keep fresh. After being with the same person for so many years, it’s easy to feel a bit bored. However, that doesn’t mean that you should walk away. It just means that you should do something to spice things up.

If you’re looking for new ways to get kinky in the bedroom, trying some of the best sex games like the ones below are a perfect way to do it.

1. Truth or Dare

This age-old game might have been the thing of middle school parties, but if you start asking sexual and kinky questions, it quickly becomes an amazing way to get to know your partner on a whole new level.

2. X Marks the Spot

If you’ve been wanting to have your partner kiss a certain part of your body, this is a great way to get them to do it. With this, your partner has to keep kissing you until they find the place you’re thinking about. Once they kiss you there, you both win.


RELATED: 59 Fun Sex Questions To Ask Your Lover (To Become More Sexually Intimate)


3. Nookii

This is a sex game you can find on Amazon, and it’s pretty good as far as purchasable games go. As the name suggests, the idea behind Nookii is to take you through foreplay, heat things up, and get you ready for a mind-blowing final event. (You can thank me later.)

(Buy it on Amazon, $49.95)

4. Netflix and Thrills

Okay, for this one, you don’t actually need Netflix. You might need an erotic site, though. This kinky game is all about giving oral sex to your partner while they watch steamy content to see how long they can make it before they beg for sex.

5. XXXopoly

XXXopoly might be a funny riff on Monopoly, but it’s still one of the best sex games you can find on Amazon. Each square you land on has you doing a sexy little thing, and if you’re not up for it, you have to pay a fine.

Frankly, this might be a better game than the original. Unlike Monopoly, which typically causes arguments, everyone walks away feeling like a winner.

(Buy it on Amazon, $29.95)

6. Mirror, Mirror

Fans of mutual masturbation and voyeurism will love this one. Basically, you sit across from your partner and start masturbating in front of them. They do the same, and match your pace. This idea behind this is to both cross the finish line together.

7. I Do, You Do

If you want to be a better guide for your partner, this is the best sex game to try. With this, you show your partner exactly what you want them to do to you, and they return the favor. Do this for a while, and you can expect better sex for a longer period of time.

8. Love Is Art

This isn’t a game, per se, but you can get those kits at UncommonGoods. This kit allows you to cover yourself in paint while you’re doing the nasty — and make a work of art using it.

(Buy it on UncommonGoods, starting at $36)

9. Kama Sutra Cards of the Day

You can pick up a deck of these in Barnes and Noble, or really anywhere. This sex game basically has you remove a card from the deck and act out what’s on the card. It’s simple, easy, and very useful if you’re tired of doggy style for the 50th time in a row.

(Buy it on BarnesandNoble.com, $9.95)

10. Sex Dice

Some adore them, some can’t stand them, but we’d by lying if we said that they don’t kink up a stale marriage pretty well. They’re one of the oldest sex games out there, but they’re tried and true for a reason.

(Buy it on Amazon, $14.95)

11. The “No Hands” Orgasm Race

Looking to spice things up and show how fast you can orgasm? As the name suggests, this game is all about showing who can cross the finish line first — without using your hands!

12. Oh! Lucky You Scratch Cards

Love the lottery? Well, unlike the ones that promise millions of dollars, everyone’s a winner with these cute cards. Every heart you scratch off has a naughty thing you need to do in order to win the game — and everyone is a winner here. You can actually get the tools to make your own on Amazon.

(Buy it on Amazon, $9.90)

13. Who Does It Better?

If you’re really kinky and have decided to start swinging in your marriage, you might want to try this one. You’ll need a third partner. There will be two competitors and a “judge.”

To do this epic sex game, two partners give the judge oral sex — and the judge figures out who wins. Obviously, this can have jealousy as an issue. However, if you’re into cuckqueaning or cuckolding, it’s an amazing game to play.

14. 7 Minutes in Heaven

This high school classic is pretty self-explanatory, but if you’re looking for sex games to kink up a stale marriage, it works wonders. To get real thrills, try playing this at the next party you’re at.

15. Strip Poker

Much like a lot of the other “classic” games on this list, strip poker is pretty easy to understand and play. To kink it up a notch, make one of the rules of the game be that the loser has to make the winner orgasm after they lose.


RELATED: The 5 BEST Sex Games To Play Via Text (To TOTALLY Turn Him On)


16. 30 Seconds

30 Seconds is one of the many sex games that’s meant to be foreplay to the main event. The idea behind it is that you only get 30 seconds to give as much pleasure as possible to your partner. Can you beat the clock and give them a Big O? You’re going to have to find out!

17. Sex Stack

Sex Stack is what happens when sex games happen to classic party games like Jenga. Just like the old-school bar favorite, the goal of this game is to not have the tower collapse on you while you’re removing the blocks. However, each block has a unique foreplay move you also have to perform — and some of them will really surprise you.

(Buy it on Amazon, $25)

18. Guess The Sex Toy

Blindfold your partner, use a sex toy on them, and have them guess which one it is. It’s simple, fun, and kinky.

19. Role-play Roulette

This one is simple but totally epic if you’re a fan of role-playing. Come up with a bunch of different role play situations, and write them on slips of paper. Put them in a bag, and find out which kinky situation you have to act out next.

20. Low Key Fantasy

Are you afraid to tell your partner what you want in person? This might be good if you’re coy about asking up front. Write a bunch of fantasies on a deck of cards, and ask them to pick one. Then, act out the fantasy that’s written there.

21. Play Prisoner

For this sex game, you’ll need a safe word. You then will need to tie your partner to a bed and blindfold him. Then, have your way with him in any means you find necessary.

22. Delivery Dare

Feeling hungry and have a friend who’s willing to help? Get your partner to call up the local “delivery place,” and then go down on them. Tell them to keep talking as if nothing’s happening while you’re performing. If they can place an order, you pay for lunch.

23. Follow the Trail

This is a classic sex game if ever there was one. Set up a scavenger hunt for your partner to complete or get a trail of rose petals to lead to the bedroom, with you as the final “prize.”

24. Never Have I Ever

Been dying to try this one wild act, but never did it before? Never Have I Ever is way easy to play, and all you need to do is say the things you’ve never done that you want to do. This will jog your partner’s imagination, and also get you lucky afterwards.

25. Master Says

BDSM fans, unite. For this game, one of you is the Master and the other is the sub. Master Says is just like Simon Says, except kinkier and it has sexual connotations. If you don’t do what Master says, you might end up getting spanked. (Note: Safe words are encouraged, here!)

26. Which Would You Rather?

If you’re looking to just start exploring your partner’s kinky side, asking them these questions would be a good start. Come up with 20 questions of what they’d rather do in bed, and use that information a little later.

27. Monkey See, Monkey Do

Voyeurs will love this. For this, you’re going to need a favorite set of sex clips. The object of this sex game is to copy what they’re doing — position, mood, and everything else — while watching the video.

28. Distract Me

Ever wanted to see how much of a distraction you can be to your partner? For this game, your partner will do a regular day-to-day activity. Your goal is to distract them and turn them on until they no longer can perform that task.

29. Mute Button

Is your partner loud in bed? This game will be a challenge! The idea behind this game is to keep your partner as quiet as possible while you do naughty things to them. If they are able to stay silent after they cross the finish line, make sure to give them a prize. If they can’t, stop what you’re doing, then start again.

30. Naked Twister

You know how you can get Twister on Amazon and make it seem innocent? Well, it wasn’t always that way. This was one of the top sex games of the 60s and 70s, and for good reason. It lets you stay limber, show off your body, and maybe find a new sex position, too. As with many other swinger-friendly games, the more, the merrier with this one.

(Buy it on Amazon, $19.99)


RELATED: 21 Super Sexy ‘Would You Rather’ Questions For A HOT Night In


Ossiana Tepfenhart is a Jack-of-all-trades writer based out of Red Bank, New Jersey. When she’s not writing, she’s drinking red wine and chilling with some cool cats. You can follow her @bluntandwitty on Twitter.

7 Ways To Reinvent Your Life After Divorce (Even If You Still Love Your Ex)

Entertainment, relationship
PHOTO: GETTY

how to move on after getting divorced

Reinvention after divorce is critical to your well-being.

Moving on after divorce seems so much easier when you can say with confidence that your ex is an asshole. But what happens when he’s not and you still have to say goodbye?

Reinventing yourself and your life after divorce when you’re still in love with your ex can make you doubt yourself and your future.

No matter how long it has been since your relationship ended, when you think about what’s next, your mind can’t help but wonder what it would’ve looked like (dare I say, should have looked like) if your partner had stayed in the picture.

Your limited mind (your thoughts attached to the physical world) laments the loss of, what you perceived, was a fantastic partner. Your expansive mind (your highest wisdom) knows it is time to learn how to move on.

This tug of war between the two parts of you is exactly what’s got you stuck.


RELATED: 10 Ways Life After Divorce Is So Much Better (Really!)


Reinventing yourself after divorce when you’re still in love with your ex, however, is absolutely critical to your overall well-being.

Here are 7 thought habits that will create a faster and healthier path forward in your life after divorce:

1. Give credit where credit is due.

The fact that you haven’t fashioned a monster out of your spouse means you’re not a monster either. Give yourself a pat on the back for being the kind of person who can keep your eye on the good in someone even while you’re in pain.

A whole host of emotions crop up during the grieving process, most of them unsavory. However, no matter what comes up for you, you have the truth of your ability to love, in all conditions, as an underpinning for who you are. Remember that this is one of your strengths moving forward and you’ll be able to capitalize on it in a myriad of contexts.

It’s much easier to build on what works well (your compassion and insight) than try to fix what doesn’t (hard feelings or frustration).

2. No “buts” — only “ands.”

When you lose a wonderful someone, you give up more than your day to day life with them, you sacrifice your envisioned future together. Most of the triggers for your pain come from a now impossible, imagined “someday”.

If an ex-shaped hole arrives in your vision of what’s to come gently remind yourself using the word “and” that you’re moving forward without them. Instead of, “I know I’m moving forward but I wish I he was here with me”, use “I know I’m moving forward and I wish he were still here with me.”

Create space for both realities (the sucky and the not-so-sucky) so your consciousness can catch up to the fact that you are (even without them) moving forward.

Before you know it, the “I’m moving forward” will move from a wispy thought to a powerful feeling. The ghost of your ex will appear as fond memories rather than a longing for his presence.

3. Focus on today’s dynamic.

Yesterday, you met each other’s needs. Today, you don’t. Yesterday, the future required your partnership. Today, it doesn’t.

Priorities shift, personal needs emerge, purpose begs for attention and the consequences of answering these inner imperatives (or not) invariably changes people. Evolution is as necessary as it is inevitable.

The fact that you’re divorced means that one of 3 things happened:

  • Your partner grew over time and you didn’t.
  • You grew over time and your partner didn’t.
  • You both grew over time in different directions.

Sit in that reality for while. When one or both of you grow your ability to meet each other’s needs changes. Is it really hard to let the new, differently focused person go when you realize that you no longer serve each other’s highest good?

Focus on today; it’s the only real space and time you have anyway.


RELATED: 10 Things You Must Do In Your First Year As A Divorcée


4. Own your shortcomings and celebrate your achievements.

Now is the perfect time to take an inventory on both areas of improvement as well as your achievements.

Take a look at what changed in you over time:

  • Were you once excited about life and now it feels like a drudge? Find your spark.
  • Were you once quiet and reserved and now you enjoy socializing? Get out and socialize more.

Remember to take stock of what has continued to improve as well:

  • Have you become more patient over time? Congrats! Patience is a virtue!
  • Do you feel like you empathize more after going through some rough things? That goes in your toolbox too.

Let me remind you of this oh-so-important factoid: you are an incredible person, 100 percent, on your own. That has always been true and it remains true as you look forward.

Look at what you’re doing right now this very second. You’re reading this article. That means that you already are moving forward on your own. You already are reinventing yourself. Even if you did enter this phase of your life under protest, kicking and screaming, you already are in the throes of your new journey!!

So own your shortcomings and embrace your achievements because you are 100 percent enough.

5. Be patient.

With a renewed focus on you and your future, the new patterns take time to cement within you. Give them due course and allow yourself some backslides too. Let “Progress, not perfection” be your new mantra.

You’re leveling up in life. While you’ve garnered the skills you need to do better and be better they’re going to take some practice. There’re no guarantees where the future is concerned. Stay present to what you have now. After all, “now” is all you ever really have anyway.

6. Get to the root of your anger.

Anger is not only the second stage of grief, she is a deceitful conniving manipulator!! Did you know she’s not even really “anger” most of the time? She’s unaddressed frustration, fear, confusion, loneliness and a whole host of hurtful emotions.  Anything that hasn’t had its fair share of your conscious focus and intent to heal will eventually come out as anger.

The thing is…one day you’re all, “I’m still in love with my ex.” After taking some steps into your empowerment, however, you start to see that your former life partner didn’t always act like he was on your team, or seemed to have ulterior motives, or (on some days) must’ve been a goddamn alien from another planet because who was that selfish asshat walking around in the body of the one you love most?!

Anger allows you to put some distance between you and your pain so you can move toward acceptance. Although it’s useful, don’t let it redefine your entire experience. Find that unresolved feeling and deal with anger at the root. You’ll help yourself through this rough patch and prevent future anger from rearing its ugly head.

7. Clean house.

Literally and figuratively clean house. The plethora of benefits of being in a clean home is enough to get us scrubbing, polishing and donating. The effects of a clean home when in the process of reinventing yourself after divorce, however, are really a metaphor for your fresh start.

When you want something new in your life, you’ve got to make space for it.

  • Does the new you enjoy tea instead of coffee? Donate the coffee maker and buy a tea subscription.
  • What if Queen You is ready to write that book, screenplay or blog? She need some space that isn’t filled with memories of all her old roadblocks!
  • Doesn’t Future Entrepreneur of the Year deserve a new office where the muscle memory to make lunch for the fam doesn’t take over? Heck yes, she does!!

Make a promise to yourself, right now, that you will cherish, relish, and nourish another person in your life that you love: YOU. Declutter your actual house. Dust out your emotional house. Overhaul your social house. Detox your body’s house, too, while you’re at it.

Like a sculptor passionately carving away the irrelevant bits of clay, you are a genius hard at work creating yourself as the masterpiece you really are.

Reinventing yourself after a divorce when you’re still in love with your ex is not an exercise in futility. It is absolutely achievable.

You will come out the other side of this mess with a better understanding of yourself and you’ll feel more empowered than ever to navigate change in your life (even when you wish you didn’t have to).


RELATED: 24 Ridiculous Divorce Lies You Should Never, Ever Believe


Triffany Hammond is a certified professional life coach who helps strong women tame their inner hot mess. Start with the book F.A.I.L.* to Win: 4 Simple Principles to Get You Out of Your Own Wayand follow up with a class. Everything you touch will get easier as you go. If there’s still more bitter in “bittersweet” than, there is sweet, download The Squeeze right now to help you manage any anxiety that crops up. 

This article was originally published at Triffany Hammond, LLC. Reprinted with permission from the author.

Tonto Dikeh: Actress says partners should never starve each other of sex

Celebrity Gists, News, NollyWood

Looks like Tonto Dikeh might have become a relationship expert as she is advising couples about their sex lives and on how not starve each other of their sexual desires.

The actress shared her thoughts on her Instagram page on Monday, May 9, 2018, saying that couples should always be ready to impress and if as a partner you desire to be given a good head, then ask for it.

“Let me just drop this right here: Just like you stay improved on your social, spiritual life so you should improve on your sexual life…learn new ways to please and be pleased!! Sex plays a major role in our physical life/relationship or marriage…

 

“Never starve your partner, as a matter of fact, be always ready to impress. You wanna be a boss, be a boss all around, you love a good head? Open up to your partner, if you are not satisfying them, someone else will. Sex isn’t a Christian or Muslim thing…having a great sex life in your marriage isn’t a sin,” she wrote.

Well guys, if you think Tonto Dikeh is the right person to take relationship sex advice from, then go for it as you’ve been tutored for free by the actress.

ALSO READ: Tonto Dikeh gives out iPhone 6 to a lucky fan

 

Tonto Dikeh plans to give out plot of land in Abuja to celebrate her birthday

 

Tonto Dikeh’s goody bags are here again as the actress promises to give out a plot of land to mark her forthcoming birthday.

The beautiful actress made this known via her Instagram page on Friday, May 4, 2018, were posted a photo of the things she would be giving out. She, however, wishes the lucky winner of the plot of land would be a church.

 

“KING TONTO   (I would really love to give the landed property to a bible believing church) #JUNE 9th #Small girl with a big GodKING TONTO   (I would really love to give the landed property to a bible believing church) #JUNE 9th #Small girl with a big God,” she captioned the photo.

via Tonto Dikeh: Actress says partners should never starve each other of sex — pulse.ng – Nigeria’s entertainment & lifestyle platform online

Don’t do it! 6 people share their cautionary tales of sex with the Ex – Bibi Lynch

Entertainment, personality, relationship

ex

Well, this is awkward (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Ex didn’t mark the spot, if you get my sledge-hammer drift. ‘I projectile vomited over all of them’:

10 people tell us the worst things ‘drunk them’ did I know people say ex-sex is great because they know what turns you on – but I say it grates because you know what turned you off (them). A memorable not-quite-blast from the past caught me clocking Tampax in his bathroom cabinet (‘regular’, so I knew they weren’t his) and a piece of paper with a phone number and ‘Helen Big Tits’ written on it. See? Not the most orgasmic of set-ups. Look back in anger, kids. But not with lust.

Jack, 23, from Taunton Oh God, no. I wouldn’t do sex with the ex. Not me. But deffo someone at my sixth form did. And he deserved what happened, TBF. He broke up with his sixth-form girlfriend before going to uni and then started dating someone else there. He’d been slagging his ex off behind her back, calling her fat and saying he was much better off now with the girl he was with. Somehow, this gets back to his ex who, the next time he’s back home for summer, flirts like crazy with him until he sleeps with her again, thinking he’s Mr Big Shot who pulls all the women. She then goes and tells all his mates they shagged, obviously in the hope it gets back to his girlfriend. Which, somehow, it does. Moral of the story? Girls are crazy, man – never, ever, make them angry…..

 

Read More at: Metro

I Tried The Ziggy Mensural Cup You can Wear During Sex – Ellen Scot

Beauty Products, Entertainment

ziggy-cupFirst off, does it work effectively as a menstrual cup, and secondly, is it comfortable when you’re having sex. My partner and I tried the sex thing first.

I asked him to leave the room while I tried to wedge the Ziggy cup as far up inside my vagina as it would go, using only the instructions on the box. Readers, it was not easy. I’m pretty used to menstrual cup actions, so I assumed a slight change in design would be a piece of cake. I was wrong. The Ziggy cup looks unlike the average cup, which suctions around the circumference of your vagina. It’s longer and thinner, and instead of collecting menstrual fluids as they make their way down the vaginal canal, the cup is positioned directly under the cervix, sitting on one side of your vaginal canal so it’s out of the way and a penis or dildo can easily make its way through the fun zone. That placement takes some time to get used to.

ziggy_hands    Ziggy, the menstrual cup you can wear during sex

I don’t know if my vagina is just incredibly short (I know it’s on the shorter side, but I didn’t think it was absolutely diddy), but the length of the Ziggy cup meant it practically took up the entirety of my vag. I’d pop in a finger and feel the cup a fingertip’s length in. The act of shoving it in and not being able to get it further up than half a finger meant I didn’t trust the cup’s blood-holding abilities. I jumped. I wriggled around. I kept trying to gently push it in further. It just didn’t feel right. It was, however, extremely comfortable. It felt like there was no cup there, with no stem poking around and a flat design that feels like nothing. That’s pleasant.

My boyfriend then returned to the room to find me trying to stare inside my own vagina, which is obviously a massive turn-on, so I stopped gaffing around with placement and we went on to the testing. I felt self-conscious during fingering – there’s no way someone wouldn’t feel the cup with their finger, and it felt strange to me to have my partner navigating a foreign object rather than just enjoying the wonders of my genitals. He definitely felt the cup too, and could see its bright pink sheen when he took a peek inside.

But once we got to the penetrative sex, it was pretty amazing. The cup wasn’t noticeable at all. We could do whatever positions we fancied with nothing holding his penis back and no discomfort for me. My boyfriend’s review of sex while I was wearing the Ziggy cup: ‘Like a lot of men, I try to get along with business without too much thought of menstrual cycles or sanitary products. ‘So when I was asked to play my part in testing the Ziggy Cup, I simply said “yes please”. ‘It didn’t get in the way of activities, but I did on one or two occasions feel the silicone briefly brush my member. After that, much like breathing, I was only aware of it when I was explicitly reminded of it. ‘I think it would play on my mind more with rougher sex, like punching a pillow with a little helmet stashed inside, and the thought of accidentally dislodging it is of far greater concern than regular no-vagina-gadget period sex to begin with. ‘Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t think sex needs any other internal tools.

On any day of the month. ‘Otherwise, we’re in magician’s hat territory.’ It’s possible that sex may have knocked the cup into the right position, as there were no leaks or spills, and I was able to go to sleep immediately afterwards rather than bothering with getting out of bed and popping in a fresh tampon. The next day, the real trials began. While the Ziggy cup got my and my partner’s approval for mess-free period sex, I wanted to make sure it could also double up as an effective and reliable menstrual cup for daily wear. Intimina claims the Ziggy cup can be worn for up to twelve hours, which is dreamy, and can hold a massive 76ml of blood. It’s meant to be extremely comfortable. And it is comfortable. It’s easy to forget you’re wearing it. I happily strolled around and typed at my desk for a good few hours wearing the Ziggy cup with no issue. Then I went to the loo to do a wee.

ziggy_in_hand(Picture: Intimina)

As I sat down on the toilet, it felt – and looked – like a puddle of blood had been unleashed, dropping into the toilet not in a delicate drip or leak, but in the manner of someone chucking their bath water out of the window in the Victorian times. Is this because sitting down to wee shifted the cup, allowing it to budge out of the way and let my blood flow loose? I have no idea. All I know is that a large amount of blood dropped into the toilet with force, I panicked, and thought it’d be wise to take out the cup and check on how it was doing. This was a bad idea. Removing the Ziggy cup from my vagina was not easy.

I kept trying to hook my finger under the rim, as shown in the handy instructional video, but I couldn’t get a good enough grip to ease it out. I tried for ten minutes, then returned to my desk, defeated, confessing to my period-positive coworkers that I had managed to get the cup stuck inside me and it’d probably never come out. I then calmed myself down with a large cup of tea and returned to the toilet cube, ready for battle. I managed to get the cup loose and slowly eased it out. Slowly easing it out did not prevent it from splattering blood half way up my arm and around the toilet bowl. There was blood everywhere. It was on both sides of the cup (how?!). It was all over my hands. It was the messiest period experience I’ve had since the ‘wow, did not realise I was on my period’ lack of pad incident of ’07.

 

 

Meet the woman with a husband, fiancé and two boyfriends

News, personality, relationship

 

ase

(Picture: MEN Media)

Mary Crumpton has more men in her life than the average 44-year-old. As well as a husband, she also has a fiancé and two boyfriends. The former teacher started exploring polyamory aged 29, having been brought up in quite conventional surroundings. ‘I was brought up in quite a traditional home,’ she says. ‘I had boyfriends and was monogamous.

Having more than one partner never crossed my mind. In my twenties, I got married and settled down in Chorlton fully intending to be with my husband for life. ‘At the time I didn’t really question having just one partner. It was normal. I did sometimes have feelings for other people, but I felt guilty about doing so and just took it as a sign that I didn’t love my husband enough. When the marriage didn’t work out, I met someone else, and started a monogamous relationship with him.

‘The idea that loving more than one person might not make me a terrible human being only dawned on me when, at a pub, I bumped into a person who had more than one partner. I had never come across it before, or the term “polyamory” which means “more-than-one love”. I was quite shocked, and curious about how it all worked for them.’ She says that her partner was with her when she met the polyamorous stranger and he was curious about it too.

Mary and Timothy Crumpton

Mary and Timothy Crumpton on their wedding day. The couple now co-habit with Mary’s fiancé John, who she will ‘marry’ in a commitment ceremony this year (Picture: MEN Media)

One of the lovely things about a life with more than one partner is that there is no pressure on one person to supply all my needs. My husband Tim and I share an enthusiasm for environmentalism and all that entails, like electric cars, and veganism. With my fiancé John I enjoy watching science fiction and we go to church together. ‘With Michael, I like to watch and support him playing for his local darts team at the Royal Oak, and we go to karaoke nights – which is possibly more embarrassing than admitting to polyamory!

‘Living in a house with more than one partner is something I have done for a number of years now. I suppose in many ways it is no different from living in a shared house with a group of friends, or family. All the usual things about whose turn it is to wash up, etcetera. Tim and John get on well, I suppose a bit like brothers, going on bicycle rides together for example. So it seems to work okay. They have something in common in that they both love me of course, and friends joke that I need two of them to keep me in line.’

As in any relationship, insecurities can arise but Mary thinks that perhaps there’s less jealousy because there’s no need to lie about infidelities in an open relationship. ‘Sometimes there might be a fear that a new partner is “better” in some way than a current one, but good communication and offering reassurances allows that to be dealt with.

‘In many ways, I have found that being in open relationships has forced me to communicate much better. I am very honest and open with my partners about my feelings and needs, in a way that I didn’t have the courage to be in previous monogamous relationships. So I think I have grown as a person, and have better and stronger relationships now. ‘Of course, all of that is possible in monogamous relationships, and I am not suggesting polyamory is in any way better, just different. But it works well for me personally.’

As for other people’s reactions, Mary says most people have been great – although she has been called a ‘slapper’ and a ‘slag’. ‘I have had women assume that I am a “man-eater” and will try to seduce their husband – to be honest, that just makes me laugh. I have also been told that what I do is “against God’s law”, though in fact there are many instances of multiple marriages in religious texts, and there are denominations of both Christianity and Islam that allow multiple marriages. ‘Mostly though, people are open to my lifestyle – they can see that I am honest with my partners and that we are all happy, so they see it as no one’s business but ours.’

Mary, 44, says that despite being polyamorous, she is quite old fashioned and likes to get to know her men before things turn physical

Mary Crumpton(Picture: MEN Media)

And Mary is pretty traditional in the way she goes about starting relationships. She says that she doesn’t ‘do’ one-night-stands and that she generally waits a month before becoming sexual with anyone she starts dating. ‘I suppose in that sense I am old-fashioned. My relationships themselves vary in how sexual they are – one of them being more platonic with not much more than cuddling and kissing. ‘I suppose that, for me, is another good thing about polyamory – each relationship can find its own level in terms of sex and with other things too. And there is no pressure on one relationship to tick all the boxes, so to speak.’ Mary is standing at the next local election for the Chorlton ward representing the Green Party.

 

metro.

 

Orgasms, assemble: You can now get Avengers themed sex toys by Ellen Scott

Entertainment, relationship

It’s nearly time to fulfill all that building anticipation with the ultimate release of Avengers: Infinity War. To celebrate, you might as well make sure your masturbation session is suitably themed. Enter Geeky Sex Toys’ new Avengers collection. Yes, these are the same people behind Pokemon sex toys, unicorn dildos, and Star Wars themed vibrators, so it makes perfect sense that they’d bring out some products inspired by Thor and his pals.

The toys aren’t actually called Avengers sex toys, because, well, we doubt Marvel would give that the okay. Instead they’re called The Indulgers. Here’s what’s on offer.

The Incredible Dong

the-incredible-dong-e1524557405716.jpg(Picture: Geeky Sex Toys)

A large green dildo with a length of 8.5″ and a circumference of 7.8″.

Agent Getsmeoff

agent-e1524557499134(Picture: Geeky Sex Toys)

This is a vibrating secret agent you stick your penis in.

Moan-Inir

hammer-e1524557454823

(Picture: Geeky Sex Toys)

A hammer dildo with its very own stand. Thor would approve.

Infinity Fist

fist(Picture: Geeky Sex Toys)

If you don’t fancy using this for its intended purpose, a golden fist also makes a lovely prop with which to cheer at screenings.

Arse Reactor

butt-plug-e1524557473870.jpg(Picture: Geeky Sex Toys)

It glows in the dark.

Hawkass Arrow Dildo

hawkeye-dildo-e1524557439631

Picture: Geeky Sex Toys)

Please do not shoot this with a bow, anywhere.

Captain Anal

buttplug-captain-america-e1524557464615                               (Picture: Geeky Sex Toys)

It’s a butt plug. If you fancy having a browse or buying the range, you can take in all the sex toy splendour over on Geeky Sex Toys.

Innuendo Issues: Sex in Movies

Entertainment, movies, News

Innuendo Issues: Sex in Movies

Sex in Movies

For those of you who have read my article regarding profanity, you’ll know that I take a dim view of immorality portrayed in movies, unless done for a clear artistic reason. To me, it seems like films today are inundated with vulgarities and subjects that are intended to embarrass or arouse the viewer. Sex in movies is a trend that won’t die. It’s come to where I’m uncomfortable viewing a new movie with others for fear of what we may see.

This issue recently came to my attention when I saw the trailer for the new John Cena movie, Blockers (2018), now in theaters. It was crass and tasteless and something I shouldn’t have wasted a minute-and-a-half on. While I have no intention of seeing it, I did hear quite an earful from a friend of mine and I’m appalled with how Hollywood plays fast and loose with its morals nowadays.

Sex in Movies

Image via CNN Entertainment

What happened to the times when sex was something only alluded to, never actually depicted? Why is sex no longer seen as too taboo to show on-screen? Why do we revel in these salacious matters instead of turning away in disgust?

What Does a Clear Artistic Reason Mean?

Let’s start by defining what a “clear artistic reason” is. This is when the issue gets tricky, because something clearly artistic to me could be completely vulgar to you. It’s mainly a relative term for someone to categorize a movie according to their own values. Here are the three primary criteria that I use:

#1: Does the innuendo or intercourse move the plot along?

A better way to ask that question is like this: if I took that scene out, would the movie still make sense? A good example of a movie not meeting this standard is the sex scene in Top Gun (1986). When I was younger (and still today), my family would skip over this particular scene. Later, I skimmed through it to see if I’d ever missed out on any of the plot. Turns out, the only thing I missed was Tom Cruise’s aggressive tongue — something I could have gone my entire life without seeing.

sex in movies

image via Pinterest

However, this wasn’t the case with the movie Dave (1993), in which there was a particular sex scene that we always skipped that I’ve just now realized filled in a major plot point; apparently I’d just glossed over this point as a kid. The need for sex scenes varies from movie to movie.

#2: Is it realistic?

No, I don’t mean if the sex was realistic. I mean was the situation realistic? Would these characters really have engaged in sex at the moment in that location, or was it just added because the movie “needed” a sex scene? My favorite example of how not to meet this criteria is the sex scene in Shoot ‘Em Up (2007). In the midst of harrowing circumstances, Clive Owen and Monica Bellucci decide to go to a hotel room and, instead of getting some much-needed rest, and decide to have sex. As if things weren’t unrealistic enough, gunmen come in and try to kill them. Owen, remaining coupled to his partner the whole time while she makes god-awful noises, kills all the assailants.

Sex in Movies

Image via The Marcko Guy

#3: Is it done purely for shock value or for a deeper reason?

This one gets a little harder to define, which is where individual opinion comes in. For example, I believe the sex scenes in Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) are purely erotica with little to no reason behind them other than to arouse its audience. However, I think that the sex scene (mainly alluded to) in Forrest Gump (1994) represents Forrest’s delayed loss of innocence, and thus has an artistic reason. Yet, I know there are many people who would disagree with me.

Sex in Movies

Image via Vulture

Why Does Hollywood Love Sex?

Simple answer: humans are animals at their very core.

Because of this, people buy tickets for movies they know will be sexually explicit. Look at Deadpool (2016). Despite the fact that everyone knew that movie would be raunchier than any previous Marvel film, they fully supported it anyway, making it a cinematic smash. And while it’s obvious no one went into the theater purely for the sex, they sure didn’t walk out or denounce it. If anything, they probably feel it only enhanced the movie’s rebellious atmosphere.

Like I’ve said before, if people continue to go to these types of movies and distribution companies make money, you’ll get more of this content rather than less of it. The fact that it offends some people doesn’t mean that they’ll stop making films with explicit sex scenes.

Sex in Movies

Image via British Heart Foundation

Is a Sex Scene Ever Necessary?

I know I may be in the minority in this, but I venture to say that no sex scene is ever truly necessary. You can always allude to it, but there’s never a reason to show so much of it other than to appeal to the lurid interests of the audience.

My question is: do movie directors realize that pornography exists? Do they realize that people aren’t going to pay for porn when they can get it for free online? So, why include it in movies, other than to create an awkward situation for everyone watching it? The sex scene is the most uncomfortable part in any movie, so why do such scenes keep getting included? They obviously don’t need to, so I shake my head when directors feel that adding a sex scene makes their movie better than a movie without one.

Sex in Movies

Image via NYC Aviation

But…

But, I know my requests will fall on Hollywood’s deaf ears. So, I stick to my criteria and continue to shyly avert my eyes when the action gets too hot and heavy for my tastes. But beware: movies will only degrade further and further into promiscuity from here.

Sex in Movies

Image via The CW 50

And Tom Cruise’s tongue will get more and more aggressive.

Movie Babble


 

Man gets 16 years’ jail and 15 strokes for sex offences against 10 young girls — Kopitiam Bot

News, relationship

(Source: sg.news.yahoo.com) A 20-year-old man was sentenced to 16 years’ jail and given 15 strokes of the cane at the High Court on Monday (23 April) for committing sexual offences against 10 underaged girls. Goh Kar Aip had pleaded guilty on 19 February to four charges – three counts of sexual penetration of a minor […]

 

A 20-year-old man was sentenced to 16 years’ jail and given 15 strokes of the cane at the High Court on Monday (23 April) for committing sexual offences against 10 underaged girls.

Goh Kar Aip had pleaded guilty on 19 February to four charges – three counts of sexual penetration of a minor and one count of sexual assault by penetration – in relation to two of the victims.

An additional 34 charges were stood down for his sentencing.

From September 2014, Goh began chatting up girls from single-sex schools aged between 12 and 13 through apps such as Facebook and Instagram.

Once the girls were comfortable chatting with him, he would then centre their conversations on sex-related topics before moving on to exchanging nude photos with them.

Goh arranged to meet one such 12-year-old girl on 19 December 2015. During the meeting, Goh kissed and groped her, then brought her up to the bedroom of his flat where he continued to molest her.

After the encounter, the girl asked to break up with Goh as she did not feel comfortable seeing someone who was much older than her. Goh then threatened to circulate screenshots of their sex-related WhatsApp conversations to her school unless she did everything he asked her to do.

Terrified, she agreed. The two met again on 29 December, where Goh molested her and once again threatened to circulate their WhatsApp conversation. At the staircase landing of his block, he then performed a sex act on her twice and took photos of himself touching the girl.

Goh committed a similar offence on another girl on three occasions between 11 January and 24 January 2016. On the fourth occasion, in March that year, he brought the girl back to his flat and performed sex acts on her.

The offences came to light when a teacher heard that a young man had been harassing her students. She then discovered that four students had met Goh and that one of them was in a relationship with him. The girls’ parents were informed and a police report was lodged against him.

In March this year, parents of a 13-year-old girl made a police report after reading media reports about Goh.

The prosecution sought at least 15 years’ jail and 15 strokes of the cane for Goh, saying that he had “demonstrated a perverse desire to sexually violate pubescent young girls”.

Justice Kannan Ramesh handed down a jail term of 16 years and 15 strokes of the cane.

Goh sought a two-week deferment on his jail term, saying that his mother was in ill health and that he needed to help run her hawker stall.

Addressing the court, Goh said that the jail term “is going to be a very long time”.  “I beg Your Honour to give me this time to make sure she’ll (Goh’s mother) be okay,” he said.

The prosecution objected to the deferment, saying that Goh knew he would be sentenced today and should have made preparations for his mother to be taken care of beforehand.

Denying Goh’s request, Justice Kannan pointed out that given the length of time between the date that Goh pleaded guilty and his sentencing, he should have already made plans for his mother’s situation.

via Man gets 16 years’ jail and 15 strokes for sex offences against 10 young girls — Kopitiam Bot

Non-Mattress Sex

News

The first time I gave a blowjob it wasn’t on a mattress or even in a bedroom.

I was in 7th grade at a little friend get-together at one of my then-BFF’s house. I had a boyfriend but we never talked or anything before this night except through text.

rsz_texting.jpg
Photo by ANDRIK LANGFIELD PETRIDES

We went into the bathroom when everyone else was watching E.T. and I gave him a “blowjob” but not to completion. I hated it and didn’t want to continue so I just got up. Afterwards, he broke up with me and everyone made fun of me for giving him “blue balls”– I had no idea what that even meant.

I was scared to do that favor for anyone else I dated again because I didn’t want to give them said; “blue balls.”

I stuck to making out and sticking my hands down boys’ pants just for a feel. That lasted until the end of 8th grade/the summer going into 9th grade. I was dating this boy who I thought I was in love with. He was the first boyfriend I had that I was comfortable around– I actually talked to him and sat by him during school. We went to the movie theatre together… during the movie I kept sticking my hand down his pants and playing with his balls. I even remember which movie we were watching… it was 500 Days of Summer. Before the movie ended, we ran into the family bathroom together and I gave him a blowjob (yes, to completion) and it was the first time I let someone stick their fingers in me. My dad was in the parking lot, waiting for me, and constantly texting me to hurry up and get out there.

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Photo by Toa Heftiba

When I lost my virginity… I was in a bedroom but there were other people on the bed and futon that were in there so my then-boyfriend and I went into my walk-in closet, laid down on the floor, and did it there.

The boy I lost my virginity to and I often had sex outside… at the benches in public parks (even in pure daylight) was one of our main spots or even outside in the yard of any of our friends’ house (when it got dark). We just never had anywhere that we were welcome to stay and have sex at because we were so young, you know?

rsz_1park_bench
Photo by James Pond

Everyone else I was intimate with… I kept it tame and used mattresses to have sex on top of like normal people. When I was a junior in HS; I moved to Washington state and met a few boys I liked. The last boy I had a thing with and I were still seeing each other the day I found out I was going back home to Minnesota. I snuck out of the house and met up with him. We had sex literally inside a bush and I left my undies in there when we finished. K’s dad found us stumbling out of the bush together.

When I came home to Minnesota and got back together with my boyfriend I lost my virginity to… we had sex anywhere and everywhere we could… we walked around to places all of the time. Neither of us had a car or parents that cared enough to pick us up and drop us off.

rsz_car
Photo by Malte Wingen

When we finally broke up, I was already out of High School. I started dating a DJ that played at the first club I worked at. He fingered me inside the DJ booth while everyone else was working. Of course, we wanted to finish what we started but we weren’t completely comfortable with each other (I barely knew him at all). At the end of our shift, we met at his car in the parking garage and had sex. It was the first car sex I’d ever had and the first time I had done anything like that at my place of employment!!

I didn’t have any out-of-the-norm sex adventures with anyone else really until I met my current boyfriend. We’ve had car sex a few times… and one time, we had sex in the family restroom at the Fashion Show Mall. 

rsz_shopping
Photo by Free Stocks

Where have you had sex that wasn’t on a mattress? No need to answer me if you’re uncomfortable but I am interested… 😉 I feel like sex that happens noton a mattress or in a bedroom is so much more real… like, neither of you were able to wait for a more “appropriate” time. It always seems to be more intense and pleasurable, too– in a way completely different from “normal” sex.

xo, Hunida


The Sex They Don’t Tell You About by Rachael Corral

Facts

When I was growing up in my formative tween/pre-teen years purity aka abstinence became a mainstream movement within the church. I know sexual purity has been apart of church doctrine for centuries; it is one of the topics most denominations agree upon. However, in the late 90’s in my church circle and probably yours,  purity rings and father daughter covenant balls became a thing. Maybe it was an over-correction from the Boomers and Generation Y who were now parents of teens. They regretted their own youthful bad decisions and wanted to make sure we were protected.  Perhaps it was the rise of internet pornography and how readily available it was to our generation. Secular media has always been anti-waiting-till-marriage this was nothing new; but with outlets like MTV and VH1 we were now seeing soft porn dressed up as music videos in our living rooms.  Whatever the cause, for good or bad, this purity movement helped shape all I knew and believed about sexuality and dating.

I was fascinated with the subject and soaked in any and all information I could find on the subject. Mind you this was before Google, so my information came from my mother, Christian books on the subject, Christian teen girls magazine, Christian radio programs, my youth pastor and youth leaders. I was young and had not learned how to separate opinion from fact. I took in everything on the subject as absolute truth and as a result purity became a very literal, legalistic state of being.

Instead of teaching the future generations how to manage themselves and delay gratification we were taught to resist and protect ourselves from the lust and perversion of the flesh. Don’t have sex or commit any sexual acts before marriage. As a matter of fact, don’t date, don’t kiss before marriage and never let yourselves be alone before marriage. Oral sex is a sin, inside and outside of marriage. Masturbation is a sin. French kissing is essentially intercourse with your mouth so if you are going to choose to kiss before marriage make sure you are not french kissing. Do not ever (even platonically) touch a person of the opposite sex; you might incite lust in their heart. Definitely do not let them touch you, it can transfer spirits. Guard your heart with all diligence, guard your mind, your eye gate and your ear gate. Do not dress in a way that could even be perceived as seductive, you don’t want to cause your brother to stumble. We based an entire theology around dating and purity upon what  a 21 year old young man (who had never had a real relationship) wrote about in a very cleverly titled book. The author postulated that dating is practicing for divorce and doing irreparable damage to your heart so that you have nothing left to give to your future spouse. We know now the author’s intention was not to create a legalistic doctrine around dating, only to cause us to question why we do what we do. The church, however, took it and ran. Probably because it was the safest option. Cue a generation of young Christians who are scared to define a relationship out of fear that they will end up dating someone who is not their future spouse.

In the Christian world there is a stigma about the topic of sex and very few people are talking honestly about it. If they do talk about sex it is either preaching abstinence/purity, or raving about the wonders of sex in marriage. This is very damaging because it is not the whole story, it is not the full truth and it is not necessarily God’s heart on the subject. Shame hides in the dark, it lies to us telling us that we are the only ones. It causes us to only show our version of the best parts of ourselves, we hide the things we are ashamed of. Think of an infection left hidden and buried deep. It is going to spread, if left long enough it will turn to sepsis and you could die. The best treatment for an infection is to open it up, clean everything out and allow it to heal. The goal of shame is to keep us quiet and separated from others, if it is exposed to the light, it will have no power.

So let’s talk about some of the awkward, shameful lies about sex and purity that I have believed most of my life. The majority of these I did not learn until I was already married. It was then, that I was confronted with how many erroneous ideas I held about sex.

Lie 1: Purity is a physical state of being. The standard of purity is the same across the board.

Purity is a state of your heart. It is a very personal and individual process for everyone. There is no one-size-fits-all guideline. If you are convicted over something don’t do it, but you also do not need to put your convictions on everyone else. Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. Practical application: If you are in a relationship you need to be brave and have the very awkward conversation to make sure you are both on the same page with how far is too far. Respect each others boundaries, protect each others purity

My belief system around purity was that it was something that could be tarnished or contaminated. I lived my life like God was keeping score, turns out it was just me. Whenever people talked about purity they never seemed to give people the whole truth because they were afraid that it would be taken as an excuse to sin. I was taught that God forgave, but you would never be able to erase the scars of your actions. While yes, some consequences might be permanent (a child for example), God is always a God of hope and healing and restoration. No one is too far gone that God can’t restore them, and my sin is not too big of a problem for Jesus’ blood to cover. I worked tirelessly to “keep myself pure” and it was a very hard pill for me to swallow when I realized that I had been striving for years to protect my purity motivated out of trying to earn God’s blessing instead of out of a heart conviction. Not that it doesn’t count or that I regret my decisions; I believe God still blesses us in our ignorance. I wasted so much time and effort when I could have been resting in God’s grace and focusing on other things. When I received a revelation of God’s grace it set me free from trying to have to be good enough, pure enough. Where I looked down and judged others who were not holding themselves to the same standard I was, God reminded me that sin is sin, He already paid the price for it. God does not classify sin, the church has been the ones who do that.

Lie 2: Having a sex drive before marriage is a sin.

God created us perfectly. Yes, we have hormones and desires and urges before we can “legally” use them. It is a sin? NO! Do we need to learn how to manage our appetite and delay gratification? Yes.

I had spent years feeling guilty and condemned thinking I had a problem with lust and perversion. I prayed and fasted for God to take away my lustful desires. Turns out I am a normal human and have hormones. This is one of those tricky areas where people begin to debate what is sin and what is not. Temptation in and of itself is not the sin. When you own the temptation as yours, that is when it could be sin. For example if you have a bad thought, the thought itself is not sin, but there is a point where you will either choose to own the thought by continuing to think and build on the original thought or you will choose to push it out and think of something else.

Lie 3: Sex is dirty and wrong, it is shameful and should not be talked about.

No, no and no. God intentionally created sex, it is not an accident or an afterthought. He is not embarrassed by it, He does not think it is dirty or wrong. In the context of marriage, it is a gift, a covenant, it is an act of worship, the most intimate expression of God’s love for us. Sexual intimacy dispels doubt, creates connection, fosters emotional intimacy, relieves stress, releases oxytocin (bonding hormone), helps you sleep and the list can go on and on. If any of that feels untrue you might want to readjust your mindset. It is not shameful at all. If you feel shame around sex or being sexual, it is a lie. Recognize it, confront it and refuse to partner with it. It might not be an instant mindset change, it might take practice renewing your mind. Like I said before shame thrives and feeds off of secrecy. When you expose it, its power is gone. Talk about it, to your husband or wife, a trusted friend, a counselor or therapist. If that seems to scary and daunting, start small. Say it out loud to yourself, write it in a journal. When you recognize and confront shame you will notice things will begin to shift for you.

This has been one of the harder mindsets to shift for me after being married. I knew in my head that sex in marriage is good and not shameful, but still felt yuck about the whole situation. For me, it took saying what I believed to be true about sex and sexuality out loud to my life coach. Just saying the lies out loud helped me to make that connection from my head to my heart and really recognize and know that I was choosing to believe and partner with the lie that sex is shameful.

Lie 4: Saving yourself for marriage automatically equals great sex when you are married.

Great sex comes from practice and a mutual commitment to connection and growth within all aspects of the marriage. It does not always come naturally and not many people will tell you that. The very little we do hear in the church about sex in marriage is typically painted as this magical, amazing thing. With divorce rates about 50% right now, inside and outside of the church, and sexual incompatibility cited as one of the main reasons for divorce, maybe we are not getting the full truth. We are doing everyone a disservice by not telling or exaggerating our truth truth. People who are having problems in the sexual aspect of their relationship are less likely to seek help because they feel like they are the only ones. Don’t get me wrong, I know plenty of married couples who have amazing sex lives, this is in no way saying sex in marriage sucks. I just want to let you know if you are having problems it is not as uncommon as you might think. Real life is not a romance movie, there will be ups and downs. Most people bring several of the following into their marriage bed that they will need to work through at some time or another in order to have mutually satisfying sexual intimacy. Things like emotional baggage, unrealistic expectations, trust issues, pre-conceived ideas from previous relationships, intimacy issues, pornograpy or sexual addictions, previous sexual abuse, bad communication to name a few. Then there are physical obstacles that might present themselves at sometime throughout your marriage like impotence, low testosterone or physical conditions that make sex painful, libido killing hormones from birth control, pregnancy or breastfeeding. Hold onto hope, have patience and work on creating a safe space for connection, communication and growth.

Honest moment; my wedding night fell miserably short of all the hype. I was devastated and so confused because it was not like they said it would be. Sex has been a very sore subject for us and we have been struggling for years. It has not been one single thing or just one persons problem. It has been a cumulation of many things. Such as,w the very difficult and emotional circumstances surrounding our wedding, miscommunication and misinterpretation, unrealistic expectations, my hormones being all out of whack from birth control, among other things. I have had a very hard time wrapping my head around this lie. I sat in hopelessness for a long time until I decided that I was done being the victim. I had wrestle and rumble with all sorts of negative emotions and false mindsets and belief systems about the whole situation. I have had to mourn the death of my unrealistic expectations created in the naiveté of youth. To combat all the lies that I had partnered with surrounding sex and purity as well as grieve all the hard work and years of striving that were misplaced and unnecessary. It has not been an easy process by any means. My husband has had his own journey. It is awkward and uncomfortable, but our commitment to seek health and wholeness in this area has deepened our connection and strengthened our marriage. We are still in our process, but we can see how far we have come and the light at the end of the tunnel grows brighter and brighter.

 

Married to Their Smartphones (Oh, and to Each Other, Too) – Godinterest

God

Neither Joe or Willy are having an affair. But one of them has found a new object of affection, which has become a new companion and inspires a surprising amount of jealousy among her spouse – its the new relationship buster: the smartphone. “It helps me wake up,” she said.

“Experts say that smartphone use is meddling in our marriages in ways that are sometimes benign, and often forcing couples to address an ever more important question: At what point are we choosing to spend more time with our smartphones than with our spouses? (Christian Marriages, Too)”

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, the warmth and intimacy of marriages are ebbing away with a culture of dings, beeps and buzzes as most people manage everything from bank accounts to fantasy football teams on mobile phone devices.

It’s almost at pandemic levels now. Married or not, most of us sleep with our phones right next to us, pocket them as we go from place to place and think nothing of using them whether our partners are talking or not.

“Therapists say that when a marriage hits a rocky patch, they’ve seen one or both partners hide behind their phones.”

If you’re still reading this article then we can safely assume you know what we’re talking about. The US divorce rate hovers at 40 per cent, but that’s not the whole story. Many sound relationships are on life support. According to a survey by the National Opinion Research Centre.

You’d think this problem would exist only outside the church, wrong.

Pope Francis says most marriages today are ‘invalid’ because couples don’t go into them with the right intentions. This is a disaster for the Church much less society as a whole.

“When a Christian marriage unravels, many questions rise to the surface.”

It’s a shame that most of our relationships are in shambles. However, its time to put down the Smartphone and save your marriage. But how?

1. The first year of marriage is hard…really hard.

In an increasingly individualistic, “me” culture, weddings create a potentially dangerous situation for a newlywed Christian couple. If you are empty, broken, or insecure, and you believe a spouse is the silver bullet to your a problems…buckle up. The marriage will be bumpy-ride.

Don’t buy the wedding day lie. Marriage is not about you. Take this as a warning…the first year of marriage is difficult and you will never be able to enjoy the beauty of marriage if your spouse’s job is to complete you.

In Saudi Arabia, a newlywed husband filied for divorce after his wife stopped his attempts at consummation to reply to wedding messages. Whiles this is simply over the top. Yes, it can be partially about not texting on your wedding night!

We know marriage is hard, but walking away from it will have a lasting impact. Marry a Christian, yes. But maybe go even further and marry somebody with similar passions and dreams.

2. Prioritize Your Partner Over Your Phone

“Marital bliss is fictional, but marital happiness can be a reality.”

This is an obvious point, but it’s still one that most people tend to disregard. Sex is a gift from God. So explore It. Make no mistake…God created sex. But through the years, God’s people allowed Satan to steal this gift. Without a fight.

God created sex. If your married, here’s a challenge. Explore sex. Explore the fullness of it and pray for sexual intimacy with your spouse.

3. There is more than one person out there for you.

Marriage is a huge choice, and so is divorce. Soul mates are made…not born. We are not sure where this idea of a soul mate originated, but it is false. Maintaining a healthy relationship is more about commitment than perfection. Marriages are complex – they’re filled with compromise, balancing expectations and maintaining a foundation built on trust. A successful marriage is one where you serve your spouse and both of you serve God. You see the closer you get to God the closer you will be to each other.

“The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married ” – (John Fischer).

To God be the glory forever. Amen!

So You Think You’ve Married the Wrong Person? – GodInterest

Church, God

5-Truths-about-Gods-Design-for-Sex-in-Marriage-1.jpg

When I saw Roger’s Facebook profile photo, my first reaction, if I’m honest, was that he wasn’t good-looking enough for me. Yet when he sent a message saying I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, I gave into his invitation for dinner, she says in regret.

“According to a new survey of more than 1,600 divorcees, 49 percent admitted they were worried on their wedding day their relationship would break down, and two-thirds considered leaving their spouse-to-be at the altar.”

“A sixth said they hoped their partner would change after the wedding, while others said they got married in the hope that it would “all work out” in the end.”

Lord, I’m sorry! I married the wrong man. Please forgive me, she cries out in agonizing prayer. 

No couple should expect bliss every day and most couples know that perfection is not on the cards. Nevertheless, there are couples who display such deep-seated incompatibility, such heightened rage and disappointment, that most people will conclude that something else is at play beyond the normal scratchiness: they appear to have married the wrong person.

How do such errors happen, in our enlightened, knowledge-rich times? To avoid becoming a “statistic,” try to internalize these 7 insights.

#1. You picked the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you’re married.

Many Christians may assume that non-believers are more likely to marry the wrong person because they lack God’s guidance in finding their one true love. But not so fast. Unfortunately, the number of Christians divorcing is no lower than that of non-believers.

“Singles today (and most married couples too) are searching for super-spouses that simply don’t exist.”

Movie star Mickey Rooney said, “Marriage is like batting in baseball; when the right one comes along, you don’t want to let it go by.” It sounds good, until you realize that Mickey was married eight times. He must have had a lot of “good pitches” to swing at!

Mickey Rooney has what might be called the “needle in a haystack” view of picking a mate.

But you won’t find a “wrong needle” clause in the Bible that gives you an “out” if you conclude that your spouse isn’t right for you. Instead you’ll find in Malachi 2:15, “Do not break faith with the wife of your youth.”

Surprising to many, the Bible never tells us to find the one God has chosen.  It tells us how to live with the person we have chosen. It’s easy to take our thoughts to the extreme when we’re so unhappy. But lets not forget that God says in the Bible says, “Come, let us reason together” (Isaiah 1:18). You didn’t marry a mind reader.  Don’t fault him or her for that.

#2. You picked the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.

Many societies portray marriage as a temporary arrangement that can be adapted or forsaken at will.  When first looking out for a partner, the requirements we come up with are coloured by a beautiful non-specific sentimental vagueness. All of us are crazy in very particular ways. All too many people say their vows without a real commitment to their spouse or to God.

Marriage is not primarily about finding the right spouse. It’s about being the right person. In his classic work, The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm declares, “To love somebody is not just a strong feeling—it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise.

#3. You choose the wrong person because you do not share common life goals and priorities.

Biblically, a Christian should be looking to marry another believer who shares a similar commitment to following the Lord Jesus. Marriage to an unbeliever should be avoided (2 Corinthians 6:14). So, if a Christian marries a non-Christian, he or she may have indeed married the wrong person.

#4. You choose the wrong person because you got intimately involved too quickly.

“Do you know unmarried couples who attend church, have consensual sex, and may even live together? According to a recent study by the Barna Group,”

The Bible is filled with lots of info about sex, and believe it or not, God thinks it’s a great idea! And why shouldn’t He, He invented it and declared it to be “good.”

Many Christian couples also justify cohabitation with the rationalization that they are going to get married eventually. However, the Bible promotes complete abstinence before marriage. Sex between a husband and his wife is the only form of sexual relations of which God approves (Hebrews 13:4). Sex within marriage is pleasurable, and God designed it that way. God wants men and women to enjoy sexual activity within the confines of marriage.

If you believe Christ died on a cross for your sins and you are trusting in Christ alone for your salvation, Christ commands you to pick up your cross and follow him (Matt. 16:24). Sex outside of marriage is a sin, no matter how a person tries to interpret Scripture otherwise, and every Christian is called to obey God in this aspect of life. Jesus said.

Also consider this, if the Bible’s message on sex before marriage was obeyed, there would be far fewer sexually transmitted diseases, far fewer abortions, far fewer unwed mothers and unwanted pregnancies, and far fewer children growing up without both parents in their lives.

#5. You picked the wrong person because you didn’t put everything on the table.

Let’s start off with the big one.  TRUST!  When a spouse is persistently and relentlessly lying about dim-witted things, it causes worry and doubts to set up camp. The journey begins like this. A young man or woman identifies the person he or she wants to marry and begins the business of serious courtship. Time and money are no object. They have a worthy goal and are motivated, even if that means telling lies in the process.

“You look as beautiful today as the day I met you.” “Of course you don’t look fat in that.” “I’m not angry.” “I wasn’t looking at her, I was just noticing her boots.”

Legally, all you need for a wedding is a visit to the county clerk’s office, and whatever else your local government requires. Most weddings these days skip the garter toss; many skip the bridesmaids and groomsmen, and some even skip the flowers. But what matters most is that you tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

“If you tell the truth, it becomes part of your past, however, if you tell a lie, it becomes part of your future”. ~ Author Unknown”

Wow does that quote nails it, or what??!!

#6. You picked the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.

In many places in the world, a fantasy is promoted that marriage should meet all our needs—the emphasis being on meeting one’s own needs, not the needs of one’s spouse. However, people that are unhappy when single and expect marriage to fulfil their lives are greatly disappointed as their level of contentment will drop even lower when married. Unrealistic expectations are those demands you make of your spouse of which he or she is incapable of providing.

“When you’re single, you experience a range of contentment from low to high. However, when your married, that range becomes even wider in both directions. Greater contentment—or discontentment.”

God wants to destroy you, not the physical you, but the selfish you. Jesus taught us that if we don’t die to our selfish nature, we will never be able to experience all the blessings that God wants to bestow on us. Well, if there was ever an institution designed to kill the selfish you, it’s marriage. In fact, it is virtually impossible to succeed at marriage if you don’t learn how to let the selfish part of you die.

#7. You picked the wrong person because you did not consult with God

“I don’t think I can do any better. He or she said, It may sound cliché, but if you don’t respect and love yourself, it will be difficult to respect and love another person.”

Surely we aren’t destined to fail.  So maybe we have misunderstood the will of God. I know that sounds simplistic. Many people claim that is the problem with their marriage.  If they could go back and press rewind, if they knew back then what they know now, they would have made different decisions. But remember that God promises us that if we ask, He will give. And while asking, request that the Holy Spirit guide you as your Wonderful Counselor (Isaiah 9:6).

How can a person prevent getting married to the wrong person?

The truth is, a successful marriage is not the result of marrying the “right” person, feeling the “right”emotions, thinking the “right” thoughts, or even praying the “right” prayers,

Instead, keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards,” is good advice (Poor Richard’s Almanac, June 1738), but even more helpful is to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (Matthew 6:33).

Godinterest.

5 Truths about God’s Design for Sex in Marriage – Bonny @OysterBed7

Love

Bonny.jpgLiving in an over-sexualized culture, we hear messages about sex, wrong messages.  These messages become more a part of us than God’s truth because we hear them repetitively and churches are scared to address sexuality.

For too long, I believed the world’s message about sex.  That it’s a superficial, feel-good avenue to self-satisfaction.  Wrong, partly.  God did design sex to feel good!

But, there is more than that.  He designed it for profound spiritual, physical, and emotional connection.  It is just a shadow of things to come.

God’s design of sex is too amazing to keep silent about.

Here are five truths about God’s design of sex in marriage.

God designed sex to be bonding.

Not only spiritually bonding, but emotionally and physically.  When the two become one flesh, biochemicals are released in our bodies like oxytocin and dopamine.  Oxytocin, especially, is a bonding chemical.  When I embraced this truth and started engaging in the marriage bed more, the tone of our marriage completely changed.

“This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh,” Genesis 2:24 (NIV).

God designed sex for both husband and wife to experience pleasure.

It’s an equal opportunity activity.  Why else would there be a clitoris?  It’s only function is for pleasure.  The Song of Solomon is full of beautiful poetic language about the pleasures of physical love for both spouses.

If one spouse struggles with the ultimate moment, there are Christian resources available to help the couple understand how to achieve mutual enjoyment.

“The mandrakes send out their fragrance, and at our door is every delicacy, both new and old, that I have stored up for you, my beloved,” Song of Solomon 7:13 (NIV).

God designed sex so that we would know yearning.

Before you were married, you yearned for your fiancé.  Not only did you crave your fiance’s touch, you craved his/her presence and knowing him/her better.  Even after years of marriage, it is good to remember this yearning.  It mirrors how God desires us to yearn for him.  I believe this is one reason he frequently uses the marriage as a symbol of his relationship with us throughout the Bible.

“Or do you think Scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us?” James 4:5 (NIV).

God designed the marriage bed to be a place to show the fruit of the Spirit.

Peace, patience, love, joy, gentleness, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, and self-control are the foundation of all Christian life, especially the marriage bed.  All conflict surrounding the marriage bed can be managed through employing these key traits.

My own marriage endured a long season of mismatched sex drives.  It was through these qualities and some wise communication tools that we overcame our conflict.

God designed sex as a powerful mystery.

Biblical stories of sex often confused me when I was young.  There was some nasty stuff in the old testament, the rape of Dinah, Lot and his daughters, the men of Gibeah clammering for the male visitor, Leviticus 20.  And yet, there is the beautiful Song of Solomon.  The New Testament seemed to prefer celibacy, to be honest.  As a teenager, I couldn’t understand why I liked thinking about sex if it was disgraceful and violent.

But, as an adult, I realized the stories were teaching me that sexual intimacy is powerful and mysterious.  It’s OK not to have it all figured out, as long as you respect the power it holds to do good when it is aligned with God’s perfect design.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts,” Isaiah 55:8-9.

Final Thoughts

Don’t let the world’s message of cheap sex destroy the meaningful sex in your marriage.  Sex may only be a small portion of the whole of your marriage.  However, sex matters.  It especially matters if one spouse is more interested than the other.  When we ignore its power and importance in marriage, the relationship suffers.

Now, granted chronic health issues can affect sexual function and that’s a more complicated story.

 

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Why don’t we like to talk about sex? — raynotbradbury

personality, Words

Based on the article of Glenn McDonald, ‘Science’ magazine Let’s start with some numbers. According to the government’s most recent major survey of sexual behaviour in USA: 94% of women and 92% of men ( ages 18-44) have engaged in heterosexual intercourse in their lives; 87% (both genders) have engaged in oral sex; 17% of […]

via Why don’t we like to talk about sex? — raynotbradbury

Non-Mattress Sex — Hunida’s Blog

Homes

The first time I gave a blowjob it wasn’t on a mattress or even in a bedroom. I was in 7th grade at a little friend get-together at one of my then-BFF’s house. I had a boyfriend but we never talked or anything before this night except through text. We went into the bathroom when […]

via Non-Mattress Sex — Hunida’s Blog