When a Boyfriend Joins the Marriage

relationship

MODERN LOVE

They agreed she could have sex on the side as long as he didn’t have to know about it. Then she fell in love.

Credit Brian Rea


By Sherry Richert Belul

They started this job more than a year ago. Most homeowners would be annoyed at how long it’s taking. I’m not. They’re building it for free. They’re building it for me.

I bring them water. I kiss one good night but not the other. One is my boyfriend of 10 years. The other is my husband. My husband and I actually consider ourselves exes, but we never divorced. We still love each other, just not romantically. We have lived together all these years under the same roof, although not the same bedroom.

What happened was this: 15 years ago, I woke up in the night, nudged him awake and said, “I need your permission to have an affair.” 


Our then 2-year-old son had just left the family bed. My husband and I were alone again with a gaping hole where passion should be. We had tried to bring it back through counseling, sex therapy and lingerie. I needed the dance of knee against knee under the table. I needed an unabashed, open-mouthed kiss. So we came to an agreement.

I don’t want to know,” he said. “Don’t bring it home.”

This went on for several years. I met men at hotels and at their homes in the hills.

Then, I met a new guy at a bar in the Mission District, the perfect place to meet before a one-night stand. Except I fell for him the moment he handed me a red Gerber daisy. I fell for the small gap between his teeth. I touched his hand by feigning interest in the ring he had made from a bicycle spoke. We loved the same obscure music.

Days later, he waltzed with me on Berkeley Pier, my gloves arranged in his breast pocket like a kerchief. He created a rabbit out of a squeegee and a towel and made me laugh at its antics.

The afternoon I chose to tell my husband, light streamed into our yellow kitchen. Our son was in his room, playing with Hogwarts toys.

“This wasn’t our agreement,” he said. We discussed it calmly. One of us mentioned divorce. One of us said, “Should we move apart?” Then it was silent again.

I was a child of divorce. When I came home from school, the house was empty. My mother worked an hour away and didn’t get home until after 6.

I saw my father on Sundays, sometimes. He would take us to car shows or to buy fish for our aquarium. I don’t think he ever wanted children. He wasn’t interested in talking to me about books or cheerleading. He once jokingly tossed me over the side of a boat, saying, “That’s how you learn to swim!”

My siblings were wild, sneaking out to parties in the woods. I grew up mostly alone. I dreamed of having a family to travel with or joke together over dinner.

I had this now. We made Lego villages, played music, sang out of tune. We stopped for smiley-face pancakes when we drove to San Diego to see my in-laws. We took up a whole row on the airplane, creating our own happy world of snacks, cartoons and surprises for our son.

I couldn’t imagine not waking up in the house with my child, having to drop him off at his father’s house, not kissing his sleepy cheeks every night.

I wanted my family. And I wanted my boyfriend.

When I suggested we could be roommates, my husband agreed. I clung to the idea like a life raft.

We ordered another bed and turned my husband’s office into a second bedroom. I didn’t know if it was possible to create a new kind of family, but like a child who pushes against the boundaries of her parents’ rigid rules, I wanted to find out.

Months later, I said, “I want to introduce him to our son.”

“If you bring someone else in,” my husband said, “we need to move apart. I don’t want to meet him.”

Weeks passed. Then my husband said, “Wild Side West. 5:30. Wednesday night.”

I don’t remember if I drove to that meeting with my husband or my boyfriend. I do remember sitting in the beer garden with sweat on my forehead.

We sat in a little triangle, my husband sitting stiffly and my boyfriend leaning back as if to give us more room. I perched on a rickety stool. We could have been in a lawyer’s office, drawing up papers.

The moment was about a child. The conversation was about who we are to this boy. Who will we be to him and to each other? How do we trust?

We set a meeting for the playground the following week. We three adults had planned it out carefully. My son and I would be playing on the monkey bars. My boyfriend would show up and I would introduce him as my friend.

When he arrived, he was carrying an old radio and some tools. He had remembered from our conversations that my son loved to disassemble electronics.

My boyfriend juggled two screwdrivers and a wrench and made my son laugh. He smiled and said, “Hey buddy, want to take this thing apart with me?”

When this began, we still lived in a large apartment in the Mission; there was room for privacy the nights my boyfriend stayed over. It was awkward at first, but as the years passed we spent more time as a foursome — cooking, playing board games.

Twice a year we all traveled to my mother’s house in Ohio, along with my husband’s parents, spending two weeks in a flurry of card games, water balloon fights and lingering meals.

Then the owner of our apartment decided to sell and offered us an enormous sum of money to surrender our rent-controlled lease. In most places, that money could have bought us a house. In the Bay Area, it wasn’t even a down payment. The only place we could afford was half the size of our apartment. There wouldn’t be room for home offices, most of our furniture or my boyfriend.

At the new house, my beau built a platform so I could store the mattress beneath a raised office, but it never felt right. It wasn’t sexy to sleep with him under piles of papers and the glow of the computer screen saver.

One day when he and I were lying in the trundle bed staring up at a jumble of cords, he said, “Let’s talk about building you a studio.” But I didn’t have the money.

“We could scavenge what we need,” he said. “If we start by building a foundation, maybe it will come together even if we don’t see how it can work.”

The backyard was a mess of dirt, broken bottles and rusty metal when he began digging. He patiently began clearing it out. One day my husband donned work gloves and jumped in, too. When we ran out of scavenged materials, my husband generously purchased supplies.

Months of Sundays passed to the synchronized beat of hammers and the sound of music and laughter as the framing was built. My husband taught me how to use the nail gun. My boyfriend took pictures as I nailed on the avocado-green siding. There’s a selfie of the three of us grinning from behind our dust masks, covered with flecks of fiberglass on the day we stuffed insulation into the walls.

Those two men painstakingly installed layers of drywall, reaching their long arms to the ceiling over and over. Before they hung the last piece, I hid gold dollar coins inside next to the studs and a photo of three generations of people who are related in ways there aren’t words for.

They left the beautiful thick beam in the ceiling exposed. After you walk into the studio and admire the golden light and the warm oak floors, that exposed beam catches your eye. It’s the through line, reminding me of our love for our son.

We wanted this child to grow up in a happy household. That beam was strong enough to convince us all to hold onto the vision. It’s like a dream I have had countless times in which I discover a room in my house that I didn’t know was there.

That’s our life now. We are building a family without a blueprint.

The New York Times    

Sherry Richert Belul, who lives in San Francisco, is the author of “Say it Now: 33 Creative Ways to Say I Love You to the Most Important People in Your Life,” due out in May.

Modern Love can be reached at modernlove@nytimes.com.


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Fabregas Weds ‘Woman Of His Dreams’

News, relationship, sports

By  Emmanuel Egobiambu

Fabregas Weds 'Woman Of His Dreams'
Daniella Semaan weds fabregas/Instagram

Chelsea midfielder Cesc Fabregas has wedded his longtime girlfriend and mother of his three children Daniella Semaan.

Fabregas posted pictures of the wedding on his Instagram page with the former Arsenal man wearing a black tuxedo and guiding his bride through an arch of white flowers at Cliveden House in Berkshire.

Semaan – the new Mrs Fabregas – looks stunning in a shoulder-less white wedding gown with silver jewellery in her hair and around her neck.

“Just married to this handsome man that I adore,” Semaan wrote after marrying the man she has been in a relationship with since 2011.

See more photos of the wedding below:

Source/Instagram
Source/Instagram
Source/Instagram

EXCLUSIVE: ‘Two and a Half Men’ Star Holland Taylor Is Dating ‘American Horror Story’ Actress Sarah Paulson

Celebrity Gists, Entertainment, News, relationship
By

Well here’s an adorable May-December romance you might not have seen coming!

Former Two and a Half Men star Holland Taylor, 72, has been dating 40-year-old actress Sarah Paulson for “a few months,” a source tells ET. Holland recently talked about her sexuality for the first time to public radio station WNYC, and while she declined to name her current partner, she did reveal the significant age gap.

“There’s a very big age difference between us which I’m sure shocks a lot of people, and it startles me,” Taylor said, before joking, “but as they say, ‘If she dies, she dies.'”

WATCH: ‘Two and a Half’ Men Star Holland Taylor Says She’s In a Relationship With a Woman — ‘I Haven’t Come Out Because I Live Out’

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Taylor wouldn’t be the first older woman Paulson has dated. The American Horror Story: Hotel star dated 59-year-old actress Cherry Jones for five years, before splitting in 2009. Paulson talked about her sexuality toPrideSource last month, and stressed that she doesn’t want to be attached to “any kind of label.”

“All I can say is, I’ve done both, and I don’t let either experience define me,” Paulson said. “I don’t let having been with a man make me think I am heterosexual, or make me want to call myself that, because I know I have been attracted to women — and have lived with women. So, for me, I’m not looking to define myself, and I’m sorry if that is something that is seen as a rejection of or an unwillingness to embrace (my sexuality) in a public way, but it’s simply not. It’s simply what’s true for me, and that’s all I can speak to.”

At the November junket for her recently released film Carol, Paulson told ET, “It matters not at all what the gender is. And I think that’s a testament to both the evolution of your own mind and also the reality that when you can see it from that vantage point, it’s very clear that love is love.”

Taylor and Paulson haven’t exactly been low-key about their affection for one another on social media. In November, Taylor tweeted a photo of Paulson wearing a shimmering floor-length gown, writing, “When captions fail…”

When Paulson tweeted to Taylor, “I love your mind,” last month, Taylor responded, “.@MsSarahPaulson I love your appreciation. It’s you with the fine (and beautiful) head…”

Taylor also gushed about her girlfriend in October. “For the record, @MsSarahPaulson is great. Period. The end,” she tweeted.

Paulson appears similarly smitten.
“Hey @HollandTaylor get off Twitter and call me. I mean, JESUS,” she hilariously tweeted in September.

Sarah Paulson

@MsSarahPaulson

Hey @HollandTaylor get off Twitter and call me. I mean, JESUS.

PHOTOS: Celebs Who Have Recently Come Out

And could there be wedding bells in store for the future? Taylor doesn’t rule it out.

“I would not do that publicly,” she told WNYC of the possibility of getting married. “My relationship is with a woman, and I have not — given my generation it would not be something that would automatically occur to me. But she’s mentioned it because just from a spiritual point of view, from a heart point of view … as a deed that has a very rich symbolic gesture to it, it has its attraction.”

Watch below:

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Taraji P. Henson Is Engaged to Kelvin Hayden

Celebrity Gists, Entertainment, relationship
gistreel.com

May 14, 2018 2:58 PM

Taraji P. Henson is going to be a bride!

After quietly dating former football star Kelvin Hayden for more than two years, the NFL pro put a ring on it. The Empire star announced the happy news and showed off her new sparkler early Monday morning.

“I said yes y’all!!! He started with the Cartier love bracelet BUT that was my #Mothersday gift and then he dropped to his knee and I almost passed out!!!” she captioned a shot of her new bling. “#sheisofficiallyoffthemarket and she is sooooooooooooo HAPPY!!!!!! #GODIS.”

The engagement may come as a surprise to some considering the actress has kept their romance out of the spotlight. It wasn’t until late December 2017 that Henson addressed their longtime relationship publicly.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BiwgTbxAKRO/embed/captioned/?cr=1&v=8&wp=436&rd=cdn-af.op-mobile.opera.com#%7B%22ci%22%3A0%2C%22os%22%3A52860.70000000018%7D

“I’m very happy. Everything is coming together,” the star said in an interview on Essence’s podcast “Yes, Girl!.” at the time. “I’m happy in my personal life.”

“I’m not the type to blast my personal business. But, you know, I think that’s important for people to know. I’m happy. I’m very very happy. I just am,” she added. “And you know, we’ve been together for two years. No one would really know that because I don’t really blast my info like that. But I’m very happy.”

It was back in 2015 that the media first caught wind of the couple’s burgeoning relationship when they stepped out on a beach in Miami holding hands. On Sunday, she and the Chicago Bears alum dined with Hayden’s mother in honor of Mother’s Day and, as fans have now learned, their engagement.

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The Hardest Part About Being A Newly Single Mom (& How To Deal With It) -Your Tango

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If you ‘like’ us, we’ll LOVE you!

PHOTO: GETTY

newly single mom who just got divorced

 

Every divorced mom goes through this.

Being a single mom, you want to be happy and provide a safe home but usually, don’t know how to keep yourself feeling positive. You don’t really believe you will be happy and don’t know how to deal with providing for everything you know you need for your kids.

The hardest part about being a single mom is knowing that hope and dreams are possible even in the face of tremendous fear. And the way to deal with that part is to surround yourself with those who feel the same way. Your community — including your children — are the seeds of possibility.

Leaving a marriage, there’s always this combination of fear and excitement —  whether you wanted out or not.


RELATED: 13 Reasons To Be Jealous (Yes, Jealous!) Of Single Moms


Both are valid — the dreams pull you out of marriage, the fears keep you from falling fast. Most women just want to be happy and be able to provide a safe home. They want to rush to the end of the story.

But they don’t know how to keep themselves feeling positive. They don’t believe they’ll be truly happy with all of the stress. They don’t know how to provide financially for themselves way too often, and they’re worried about their kids.

For many single moms, those dreams usually include (fingers crossed) a new home filled with hope, joy, even happiness if possible. Maybe a new lover. A place for dreams to come true. However, in the beginning, chaos and confusion typically reign as a single mom does her very best to set up a new home for her children.

The familiar rules which kept two adults parenting together fall away in the face of just kids and mom. There’s this intense sense of not knowing what’s going on or what to do first. One of the hardest parts of being a single mom is believing that you’ve got this in midst of the fear, that you and your children will manage, figure things out, and even thrive.

Chaos and confusion are at the root of what it takes to create a home filled with hope and dreams. You cannot create possibility out of a broken framework.

A marriage between a mother and father that didn’t hold together is a broken framework. So at first, you will feel as if everything is falling apart and you don’t know what you’re doing. And you don’t. Actually, you can’t. Your kids don’t know what to expect and neither do you.

Happiness and joy can come out of that chaos.

Without it, you can’t begin to create your new home. Your new home is built on top of this new family structure, and together you and your children, are the ones who have to make it work. And that’s never easy.

To believe in possibility, new dreams, even new love requires accepting how to deal with this part of separation. You will be in chaos and confusion until you accept and deal with recreating your rules, boundaries, and self-discipline in the face of pain, upset, expenses, and single-parenting. The moment is difficult and I wish I could tell you differently.

Those who set up any other unrealistic expectations in their new household — any sort of perfection really — like some super strict “family rule” guidelines, are setting themselves up for denial and dysfunction.

No one goes through a divorce without having to deal with a broken heart. Not adults. Not children. And perfection or guidelines requiring 100 percent compliance without compassion fall short of dealing.

Surrounding yourself with people who not only grasp this reality but also support your efforts to deal with it is paramount. You cannot do it alone. You also cannot do it the way you used to when you were married and supposedly in a good place.

That looks like leaning into new friends, finding a new community filled with compassion instead of judgment, and being with those who understand what you’re up against.


RELATED: How To Be Happy As A Single Mom In 9 (Relatively) Easy Steps


Creating hope out of a broken heart is the stuff dreams are made of.

Because creating hope and possibility out of the old set of rules, listening to the old criticism and being immersed in self-incrimination, judgment or despair doesn’t work.

To develop emotional resilience and hope means that you have to take a step away from your past and surround yourself with faith in possibility. No matter what you may be thinking, this kind of faith demands acceptance and compassion.

Forgiveness even. It has more to do with a bigger perspective, filled with the possibility that it has to do with hanging onto what you’ve known or are used to from the past.

This takes faith and courage and so much more. It’s saying “no” to answering every single text 24/7 no matter how difficult it is to resist. It’s about letting a few things slide (in my home, kids aren’t required to make their beds anymore).

It’s about a no-lying policy at my house. It’s about deleting those who are critical of me and my parenting style from my contact list no matter how many memories we once shared.

It was about allowing myself to change how I parent as a single mom instead of taking on a more limiting set of rules and guidelines. In fact, it was all about opening up to possibilities — a bigger perspective.

In the chaos and confusion inherent in the lifestyle shift, you may be unsure of how to do these things despite trying your hardest. That’s where finding a new community becomes mandatory.

Honestly, I would not be where I am today without my new support structure. I’m not saying to get rid of those who are your champions. However, I am saying, quite emphatically, in fact, to find a new group to help you on your way to your life filled with dreams.

In order to find a new support structure, you need to step into faith. And, it takes courage to do just that.

As you start your new lifestyle as a single mom, you’ll most likely pull in. You’ll be ashamed, scared, and unsure, even though you’re doing your best. But trusting others is the furthest thing from your mind.

I totally get that! The hardest part of being a single mom is to believe you’re worthy of a new group of positive, kind, and compassionate people. When you look for them though, they may be hard to see.

I had to look a long time. Unfortunately, it took a while, filled with trial and error, to find my new community. I thought it looked like my old life, my old kind of friends, my old type of lovers.

Boy, was I wrong!

Look for a new support structure. 

Surrounding yourself with compassionate, supportive, action-oriented, that kind of kick in your butt with love sort of support doesn’t come naturally when you’re feeling alone and isolated in chaos and confusion. It takes some work. So don’t give up!

Try not to confuse that effort with falling in love or getting that promotion at work. Or evengetting away from that other parent, however much that is driving you.

Those steps are a part of the overall healing but not the kind of support that will help you develop true faith and courage in yourself as a single mom. In some ways, those steps are like candy. Or they’re the sprinkles on the frosting, not the ingredients of a dream life.

Only those who have been where you are will know that. At first, it’s easy to get confused by distractions.

At first, the hardest part about being a single mom is going to be the self-discipline to find a part of you willing and able to shift.

To realize that even with all the work you’ve done being a single mom (and I know you’ve done a ton of work already) there’s still room for more. And you’re worthy of opening up to it. You’re even worthy of having your dreams made possible. And you’re especially worthy of happiness and love.


RELATED: How To Deal With The 3 Biggest Struggles Of Being A Single Mom


Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. She is a writer, public speaker, and the founder of doingDivorce School, an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visither website.

Important Things You Foolishly Ignore When You’re ‘Blinded By Love’

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Love looks A LOT different when that “romance high” wears off.

Shakespeare famously wrote about the experience of being “blinded by love” in three of his plays to caution audiences about the slippery nature of ignoring the faults of those we adore.

It turns out, The Bard was onto something. Science tell us that love does perform a bit of trickery on our minds, especially in the beginning of a relationship when we’re flooded with a powerful cocktail of chemicals that mimic the experience of being high on cocaine.

We feel “high on love’ … because we literally are! 

In The Merchant of Venice (Act 2, Scene 6), Shakespeare writes: But love is blind, and lovers cannot see the pretty follies that themselves commit.”  Or, in modern translation: “But love is blind, and lovers can’t see the silly things they do around each other.”

As we fall in love, doing whatever it takes to ensnare our beloved becomes fair game.

We put on our best attitude, behavior and efforts to encourage that special someone to fall in love with us. We aim to impress and we want their love in return.

But the cold hard fact is — much of this “wooing” behavior stops once the relationship is established. Therefore, who you meet (and fell in love with) at the beginning isn’t always the person he or she really is on the inside. To meet that true version of your partner, you have to stick around long enough for the romantic chemicals to wear off.

And the “love drug” euphoria is not long lived. Research tells us that 18 months to 3 years after a relationship has begun, it wears off.

What sustains a relationship at that point are the shared feelings of love, trust, friendship and sexual connection that are not chemically induced, but rather, genuinely felt. From that time forward, our feelings for our partner are led by the complicated relational elements that tie us together.

In other words, we’re left to judge our partner based solely on his or her actions.

And this is when things can get tricky because promises of love can only take us so far if they’re not also uplifted by the chemicals in our brain. Facing this time in a relationship (and truly seeing each other clearly, often for the first time) is very hard on many couples.

In the light of reality, if their shared expectations and dreams for a future together don’t line up, many couples believe that’s the signal they should breakup.

Being blinded by love caused them to willingly ignore signs along the way that they weren’t truly an ideal match or that aspects of their relationship didn’t work well.

Consider this:

  • What IF your partner has traits or flaws that aren’t in your best interest?
  • What IF your partner behaves in ways that might harm your ability to reach your life goals?
  • What IF your partner isn’t the person he or she claimed to be during the wooing phase of your relationship?

All too often, couples take the BIG leap into living together or getting married during these chemical induced years. For example, it’s not uncommon for engagements to happen two to three years after couples start dating.

Making major decisions like that becomes more challenging when you’re suddenly faced with your partner’s real flaws. Choosing to remain blind to that reality doesn’t ultimately serve you. What was once a smartly-turned “blind eye” can now lead you down the path of relationship disaster if you don’t find the courage to face your life, your choices, and your partner honestly.

Considering that we all eventually experience this sobering up from the “love high” in our relationships, we wanted to bring the topic to our Experts to discuss the price we pay when we choose to stay blind to qualities/traits in our partner … at the start of a relationship, and further in.

Our panel is made up of anthropologist and research scientist, Dr. Helen Fisher. Helen has written extensively on the science of the brain in love, and for this discussion, she is joined by host and YourTango Senior VP of Experts Melanie Gorman, behavioral analyst Steven Sisler, divorce coach Kimberly Mishkin and author Cathleen Miller.

Understanding the power of being “blinded by love” can really open your eyes to why you’ve made silly decisions about a mate in the past. Watch the video above for tips on how to make sure you’re finally seeing clearly when it comes to making decisions about matters of the heart.

If you have questions or need support for your love life, look no further than our panelists. Click their names above to learn more about their individual offerings and resources.

How To Fix A Broken Marriage (Before It Leads To Divorce) -Tango

Entertainment, relationship

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PHOTO: GETTY

how to avoid divorce when your marriage is broken

Love

Don’t wait until it’s too late.

When couples get married, they are so in love and believe that there is nothing that is going to come between them or cause them to be unhappy. Though most believe that initially, the bottom seems to drop out of that belief pretty quickly. How could this person that you married be so incredibly uncaring or messy or self-centered, etc?

You begin to question what you ever saw in this person or why you ever thought that your marriage would be so wonderful. Every day you find yourself becoming more and more frustrated and angry at him. You become resentful of his very presence in your life.


RELATED: The 50 Best Marriage Tips Of All Time (From 50 Marriage Experts)


How can he not see what you need and want, especially if you are now pointing it out to him!

Before you begin to throw darts his way, it’s time to take a close look at what YOU have been doing that has contributed to the brokenness you are experiencing in your relationship. Did you know that each of you contributes good things in your relationship and bad things? It is possible to fix this relationship before it ends in divorce, but you have to be willing to do some work on yourself.

Here are 5 steps that can help you fix your broken marriage before it ends in divorce:

1. Identify the problem areas.

You must recognize that there is a problem in your marriage that will not just go away and that you play a part in it. Too often people believe that problems will just fix themselves without any initiative on their part. You may look at the problem as his to fix.

After all, you are the model spouse. You do everything right. He should just know what you need and want without you having to tell him. It’s his fault that things are coming apart in your relationship.

You make it known to him all the time that you are not happy with him. You spend your days and nights cleaning up after him and make all kinds of noise to let him know that you are not happy with doing this. He never seems to get the hint. He just gets mad!

2. Pay attention to how you’re communicating.

The way you communicate with him has a huge impact on the reaction you get from him. Out of your own anger and frustration, you begin to communicate with him in a very angry, sarcastic manner. You seem to be angry all the time (at least to him).

There is nothing he can do that does not invoke an angry response from you. Every conversation he tries to have with you seems to turn into an argument. Learning to talk to each other in a respectful and civil way can begin to turn things around.

Talking to him about why, for example, his messes make you angry. Telling him what you expected in your marriage is also extremely important. He may know some things but to assume that he should just know what you are thinking and feeling means you believe he can read your mind.

Wrong!!!

He cannot and never could read your mind. You and your spouse need to talk about what is important to you and to him. You make decisions about how to treat one another based on your communication that is clear, open, honest, and respectful; and don’t use sarcasm!


RELATED: 10 Dos And Don’ts For HEALTHY Relationship Communication


3. Check your negativity levels.

Your attitude about your spouse also must change from negative to positive. If someone is always negative in how they approach you, you would become discouraged and angry too. Your spouse may have come to the place of believing that it doesn’t matter what he does or doesn’t do; you are always going to find fault with him.

If that is the case, then why should he even try to please you? Something that might help you is thinking about what are the annoying things that you can choose to live with. There are some things in relationships that are just not worth creating brokenness, such as, which way someone puts the toilet paper on or where that person squeezes the toothpaste, etc.

If you have an issue about something, it would be important to think it through and if it is important enough to you, talk about it. But remember that neither of you is right nor wrong.

You are just different in how you do things. Some may be gender differences and some may be because you come from two different families and two different ways of doing things. As you begin to approach the differences with a more positive attitude about your spouse, you may find that both of you begin to be less annoying and more loving toward each other.

4. Don’t just point the finger outward.

You must be willing to make changes yourself if your relationship is going to change for the better. You may have decided that it is not fair that you have to make changes while your spouse just goes about his life doing what he wants. However, you can only change yourself and your spouse can only change himself.

If you desire for things to be different and especially desire that things be much better, then you will need to be open to getting the ball rolling and make some changes yourself. Think before you speak. Ask yourself if what you are about to say is really true.

Next, ask yourself if it will be helpful to say it. Then, consider if it will really inspire change in your spouse or will it just be plain hurtful. Ask yourself if it is necessary to talk about and think about how you need to approach it so your spouse hears you (not at the top of your lungs or with an attitude).

Then consider whether what you are about to say is truly kind or if you’re about to blow up out of anger.

5. Learn to be patient.

Remember that changes take time. You will need to keep doing things differently on a consistent basis if you want these changes to become a part of your marriage. It is always easy to fall back into old patterns of thinking and behavior so you have to be intentional about making the changes and continuing to make those changes.

If you are struggling with a “broken marriage” that seems to be heading for divorce, don’t give up. Get the outside professional help you need before it is too late! We are here to help you to make your relationship better than it has ever been. Please contact us and we will help you get back on track in your marriage.


RELATED: 30 Communication Habits That Will Help Your Relationship Thrive


Work through the steps above. Go to our website and download the instructive worksheet to help you follow the process. If you are still having difficulty making change happen, please contact David and Debbie. We can help you figure out how to have the relationship you desire.

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7 Ways To Reinvent Your Life After Divorce (Even If You Still Love Your Ex)

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PHOTO: GETTY

how to move on after getting divorced

Reinvention after divorce is critical to your well-being.

Moving on after divorce seems so much easier when you can say with confidence that your ex is an asshole. But what happens when he’s not and you still have to say goodbye?

Reinventing yourself and your life after divorce when you’re still in love with your ex can make you doubt yourself and your future.

No matter how long it has been since your relationship ended, when you think about what’s next, your mind can’t help but wonder what it would’ve looked like (dare I say, should have looked like) if your partner had stayed in the picture.

Your limited mind (your thoughts attached to the physical world) laments the loss of, what you perceived, was a fantastic partner. Your expansive mind (your highest wisdom) knows it is time to learn how to move on.

This tug of war between the two parts of you is exactly what’s got you stuck.


RELATED: 10 Ways Life After Divorce Is So Much Better (Really!)


Reinventing yourself after divorce when you’re still in love with your ex, however, is absolutely critical to your overall well-being.

Here are 7 thought habits that will create a faster and healthier path forward in your life after divorce:

1. Give credit where credit is due.

The fact that you haven’t fashioned a monster out of your spouse means you’re not a monster either. Give yourself a pat on the back for being the kind of person who can keep your eye on the good in someone even while you’re in pain.

A whole host of emotions crop up during the grieving process, most of them unsavory. However, no matter what comes up for you, you have the truth of your ability to love, in all conditions, as an underpinning for who you are. Remember that this is one of your strengths moving forward and you’ll be able to capitalize on it in a myriad of contexts.

It’s much easier to build on what works well (your compassion and insight) than try to fix what doesn’t (hard feelings or frustration).

2. No “buts” — only “ands.”

When you lose a wonderful someone, you give up more than your day to day life with them, you sacrifice your envisioned future together. Most of the triggers for your pain come from a now impossible, imagined “someday”.

If an ex-shaped hole arrives in your vision of what’s to come gently remind yourself using the word “and” that you’re moving forward without them. Instead of, “I know I’m moving forward but I wish I he was here with me”, use “I know I’m moving forward and I wish he were still here with me.”

Create space for both realities (the sucky and the not-so-sucky) so your consciousness can catch up to the fact that you are (even without them) moving forward.

Before you know it, the “I’m moving forward” will move from a wispy thought to a powerful feeling. The ghost of your ex will appear as fond memories rather than a longing for his presence.

3. Focus on today’s dynamic.

Yesterday, you met each other’s needs. Today, you don’t. Yesterday, the future required your partnership. Today, it doesn’t.

Priorities shift, personal needs emerge, purpose begs for attention and the consequences of answering these inner imperatives (or not) invariably changes people. Evolution is as necessary as it is inevitable.

The fact that you’re divorced means that one of 3 things happened:

  • Your partner grew over time and you didn’t.
  • You grew over time and your partner didn’t.
  • You both grew over time in different directions.

Sit in that reality for while. When one or both of you grow your ability to meet each other’s needs changes. Is it really hard to let the new, differently focused person go when you realize that you no longer serve each other’s highest good?

Focus on today; it’s the only real space and time you have anyway.


RELATED: 10 Things You Must Do In Your First Year As A Divorcée


4. Own your shortcomings and celebrate your achievements.

Now is the perfect time to take an inventory on both areas of improvement as well as your achievements.

Take a look at what changed in you over time:

  • Were you once excited about life and now it feels like a drudge? Find your spark.
  • Were you once quiet and reserved and now you enjoy socializing? Get out and socialize more.

Remember to take stock of what has continued to improve as well:

  • Have you become more patient over time? Congrats! Patience is a virtue!
  • Do you feel like you empathize more after going through some rough things? That goes in your toolbox too.

Let me remind you of this oh-so-important factoid: you are an incredible person, 100 percent, on your own. That has always been true and it remains true as you look forward.

Look at what you’re doing right now this very second. You’re reading this article. That means that you already are moving forward on your own. You already are reinventing yourself. Even if you did enter this phase of your life under protest, kicking and screaming, you already are in the throes of your new journey!!

So own your shortcomings and embrace your achievements because you are 100 percent enough.

5. Be patient.

With a renewed focus on you and your future, the new patterns take time to cement within you. Give them due course and allow yourself some backslides too. Let “Progress, not perfection” be your new mantra.

You’re leveling up in life. While you’ve garnered the skills you need to do better and be better they’re going to take some practice. There’re no guarantees where the future is concerned. Stay present to what you have now. After all, “now” is all you ever really have anyway.

6. Get to the root of your anger.

Anger is not only the second stage of grief, she is a deceitful conniving manipulator!! Did you know she’s not even really “anger” most of the time? She’s unaddressed frustration, fear, confusion, loneliness and a whole host of hurtful emotions.  Anything that hasn’t had its fair share of your conscious focus and intent to heal will eventually come out as anger.

The thing is…one day you’re all, “I’m still in love with my ex.” After taking some steps into your empowerment, however, you start to see that your former life partner didn’t always act like he was on your team, or seemed to have ulterior motives, or (on some days) must’ve been a goddamn alien from another planet because who was that selfish asshat walking around in the body of the one you love most?!

Anger allows you to put some distance between you and your pain so you can move toward acceptance. Although it’s useful, don’t let it redefine your entire experience. Find that unresolved feeling and deal with anger at the root. You’ll help yourself through this rough patch and prevent future anger from rearing its ugly head.

7. Clean house.

Literally and figuratively clean house. The plethora of benefits of being in a clean home is enough to get us scrubbing, polishing and donating. The effects of a clean home when in the process of reinventing yourself after divorce, however, are really a metaphor for your fresh start.

When you want something new in your life, you’ve got to make space for it.

  • Does the new you enjoy tea instead of coffee? Donate the coffee maker and buy a tea subscription.
  • What if Queen You is ready to write that book, screenplay or blog? She need some space that isn’t filled with memories of all her old roadblocks!
  • Doesn’t Future Entrepreneur of the Year deserve a new office where the muscle memory to make lunch for the fam doesn’t take over? Heck yes, she does!!

Make a promise to yourself, right now, that you will cherish, relish, and nourish another person in your life that you love: YOU. Declutter your actual house. Dust out your emotional house. Overhaul your social house. Detox your body’s house, too, while you’re at it.

Like a sculptor passionately carving away the irrelevant bits of clay, you are a genius hard at work creating yourself as the masterpiece you really are.

Reinventing yourself after a divorce when you’re still in love with your ex is not an exercise in futility. It is absolutely achievable.

You will come out the other side of this mess with a better understanding of yourself and you’ll feel more empowered than ever to navigate change in your life (even when you wish you didn’t have to).


RELATED: 24 Ridiculous Divorce Lies You Should Never, Ever Believe


Triffany Hammond is a certified professional life coach who helps strong women tame their inner hot mess. Start with the book F.A.I.L.* to Win: 4 Simple Principles to Get You Out of Your Own Wayand follow up with a class. Everything you touch will get easier as you go. If there’s still more bitter in “bittersweet” than, there is sweet, download The Squeeze right now to help you manage any anxiety that crops up. 

This article was originally published at Triffany Hammond, LLC. Reprinted with permission from the author.

4 Things Every Successful Relationship Needs For Love To Last – Tango

Entertainment, relationship
dating tips

Don’t be blindsided by the person you’re with!

We’ve all heard the horror stories from all of the dates gone so wrong. We’ve most likely experienced some of those horror stories ourselves.

For example, being set up by friends who just “know” the right person for you. Or sitting across the table just staring at each other, with not a lot to say. Or your date “suddenly” gets a call and “has” to take off and apologizes.

Where do we learn dating tips that lead to successful relationships? Our friends? Our family members? Our own experiences? If you are a “conscious” person who is always learning about yourself and making the appropriate and necessary changes along the way, that’s great.

For the majority of people, dating is a process of often really bad experiences. Did you ever wake up one day and ask yourself when did this person change for the worse? How could I not have seen the signs?


RELATED: What A Healthy Relationship Needs If You Want It To Last


I’ve discovered four ways to help avoid these horrible experiences. These concepts are not taught in school, so we often have to painfully learn as we go, at best. Marriage can work with the right knowledge.

The divorce rate is so high because we don’t know how to pick “the right one” and we don’t know how to have healthy relationships when we do find the right one. As if this is not bad enough, many if not most people divorce and then repeat the same negative patterns in the new relationship or marriage.

Another reason for failed relationships is that often our self-esteem is not in place in a healthy, accurate manner. This is not a good thing. We attract about the same degree of self-esteem in the other person. So if realize that you keep attracting unhealthy people, you need to take a look at how you really see yourself inside.

These are 4 life actions that affect our dating and relationships. Understanding them leads to more awareness when you encounter them and what you can do about them:

1. Don’t get into a relationship with an agenda.

People often stay in a relationship because of an agenda. An agenda is a belief that something needs to be a certain way for us to be “OK”. For example: “I must be married by 30 yrs of age.”

When we have an agenda, it will often get in the way of the more beneficial decisions we would normally make.

2. Open your eyes and be willing to see red flags. 

I cannot tell you the number of people who have told me that they never saw the unhealthy qualities in the marriage or relationship until way down the line. We are talking sometimes years. They often report that the behavior “just showed up one day, out of the blue.”

The truth is that the behavior was there all the time but was ignored. “Love is blind” is not a helpful mantra when it conceals warning signs.


RELATED: If Your Partner Does These 12 Things, Run As Fast As You Can


3. Read up on some things you can expect in relationships.

Learn the concepts and skills that will help you navigate through a relationship — and life in general. For example: How do you have difficult conversations in a relationship? How do you determine healthy and unhealthy behaviors?

Without knowledge of these skills and concepts it can feel like navigating in the dark, not knowing what you are bumping into.

4. Give him time to show his true qualities.

Watch out for consistent behaviors for at least 6 months. It is very difficult to hide your true qualities for more than 6 months without being a sociopath — and for sure, no longer than one year. And you would have to be a really skilled sociopath on top of that for those unhealthy qualities to remain “hidden”.

Watch for consistent behavior in the relationship. This holds true for negative as well as positive behaviors. There may be an underlying reason for a person to temporarily exhibit negative qualities.

We all make mistakes but there is a difference between occasional “mistakes” and an overall theme of repeated negative behavior. Conversely, occasional “good” behavior does not negate an overall theme of unhealthy behavior.


RELATED: If You Have To Do Any Of These 7 Things, He’s Not The One


Susan Saint-Welch, LMFT, is a marriage and family psychotherapist who has been practicing in-person and online in California for over 20 years, helping radiant, single women get un-stuck and find the lasting love they deserve. She is passionate about teaching skills and concepts for healthier relationships, dating, and self-esteem. For more articles, follow her on her website Life and Relationships 101.

This article was originally published at lifeandrelationships101.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.

5 Seriously Odd Mistakes Men Have No Idea They Make With Women -Tango

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PHOTO: UNSPLASH: TYLER NIX

5 Odd Dating & Relationship Mistakes Men Make When They're Falling In Love

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Yes, falling in love is a wild and crazy process, and I would argue that this is the case largely because men and women are so different from each other — fundamentally different.

My best friend is a guy, and when he shares stories with me about his own adventures in dating and relationships, I find myself having to scratch my head as I wonder why he just did that seriously odd thing or sent the woman he feels a strong attraction to such strange text messages.

And, of course, he feels the same way about me in regard to my own stories about men.

RELATED: The 10 Biggest Mistakes Men Make In Relationships

Relationships with men lead most women to experience not a few head scratching moments of their own, as guys make some truly bizarre mistakes that leave us in doubt about a possible future together.

Here are five seriously odd mistakes men have no idea they make with women when it comes to dating, love and relationships.

1. Not telling her what you really want.

When your girlfriend asks whether you’d prefer Italian or Chinese food for dinner, or whether you’d rather spend Friday night hanging out with friends or staying home watching Netflix, telling her you don’t care and that she can decide is neither helpful nor accommodating.

Women don’t ask for your opinion to simply fill the air with words. They ask your opinion because they sincerely want your input and care about your preferences. Despite what you may think, most women don’t want to be the one who makes all of the decisions for both of you.

So, when a woman asks for your opinion, SPEAK UP! I’m sure you have one, and sharing it with your girl will make her feel happy and part of a team. And that’s the goal, right?

2. Not calling women out when they deserve it.

Life is challenging and even the best people can be difficult at times. We work hard, have to keep up on social media, have family and friends pulling us in all directions at all times, and there is never enough time for the amount of sleep we need.

On those days when you’re exhausted and it has you acting like a jerk, your girlfriend or wife probably calls you on it, and if she does so in a kind way, you probably know that she’s right and make a quick shift to change that.

For some reason, however, guys don’t tend to do the same, preferring to keep their heads down when the woman in their life is behaving badly.

For 20 years, my now ex-husband kept his head down when I did things like snapping at him for coming home late, meanly telling him he smelled like beer, and or refusing to join him on visits to his family because I was “having a bad day.” No matter what, he’d just let it go.

I know I was hurting his feelings, but he never said one single word, and so I kept on behaving that way, respecting him a little bit less each time.

And then one day, he left. Just got up and walked out.

So, call your girl out when she deserves it. Speak your truth, earn her respect and retain your respect for yourself.

RELATED: 3 Seriously Odd Mistakes Women Have No Idea They Make With Men

3. Sending text messages and then disappearing.

I am not sure there is anything more fraught with issues for people who are dating or in relationships these days than text messaging.

While most guys see texting a basic means of communication and something to do when they’re bored, many women see their messages as a source of meaningful information to be studied and reviewed in the search for hidden meanings and subtle clues.

So when a man texts frequently and then disappears suddenly, it’s causes a tremendous amount of frustration for the woman in his life. If you text a woman, she replies and you pull a disappearing act, she is likely to spend the minutes, hours, or days obsessively checking her phone and wondering what is going on.

So, If you only have time for one text before your meeting, tell her that. Something as simple as, “Wanted to say hi but I’m going into a meeting, so I’ll be out of communication for a while,” is all it takes to keep her from feeling hurt, confused and angry with you.

4. Talking about their own hobby to the exclusion of everything else.

We women are SO glad when the man we love has a hobby that keeps him busy and makes him happy, and we typically try our best to be supportive of that every way we can. For many of us, it’s not a man’s hobbies that drive us crazy, but when he talks about it incessantly, almost to the exclusion of anything and everything else.

I had a boyfriend who lived for riding his bike. It was the only place in his life where he felt truly successful. I supported this because it made him feel good about himself. But then started talking about it. And talking about it. And talking about it. The talking would start right after his Sunday morning ride, he would fill me in on how the ride had gone and what he could have done differently. This train of thought would continue into the week, pivoting mid-week into a discussion of talk what he expected Saturday morning’s ride to look like.

It got to the point where, other than pausing occasionally to make plans with me, it was the only thing he was interested in talking to me about at all.

So I left. I hope he and his bike are living happily ever after.

Have your hobbies, guys. But don’t make them the center of your life! And remember to ask her questions about her own life and hobbies, too.

5. Sulking about her guy friends.

As I said above, one of my very best friends is a guy. I love him, talk to him every day, and know everything about him, which is probably why I know for a fact that I would never, ever get romantically involved with him.

Fortunately, my current boyfriend is comfortable with our friendship, but I’ve dated men in the past who definitely were not.

Not “allowing” your girlfriend or wife to be friends with guys or to spend time with men who get her but she has no romantic interest in is a huge mistake.

Girls needs their friends — NEED their friends, and if the woman you love is good friends with a guy who can help her interpret your words and actions because he understands them in a different way than she does, that is actually a huge asset to your relationship that probably saves you from all kinds of grief.

Be confident, trust that she loves you and rest assured that friends is all they will ever be. She will love you even more for it.

Making the same mistakes over and over again will doom every new relationship you enter from the start.

So be honest about your opinion and your feelings, be careful with your text messages, be enthusiastic about your hobbies, but not to the exclusion of everything else, and go easy on her about her friendships with other men.

Remember, this woman loves you and she is yours to lose. Don’t mess this up!

RELATED: The 10 Biggest Mistakes Couples Make In Relationships

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate.

Emmanuel Adebayor Breaks Up With Girlfriend, Dillish Mathews Over Money Issues

Celebrity Gists, Entertainment, News
 It appears like the relationship between Dillish Mathews and Togolese footballer, Emmanuel Adebayor has come to an end. This is coming after the Big Brother Africa winner and the İstanbul Başakşehir player unfollowed each other on Instagram.The alleged breakup is happening even before the both of them could openly come out to state that they are in a relationship after months of keeping it underground.

Going by a chat between the both of them, one can conclude that Emmanuel Adebayor believes Dillish Mathews is a hypocrite who preaches one thing and does the opposite.
The BBA winner had posted to know what people would love to teach the world when Adebayor slid in with a comment. She proceeded by stating that she would love to teach the world to be kind, loving, respectful, sharing, patient, gentle and truthful.

Reacting to the comment, Emmanuel Adebayor pointed out that she lacks all those things which she claims to want to teach the world.

ALSO READ  LORD!!!: Woman Who Pretends To Be Blind To Beg For Alms Declares The Shocking Amount She Makes Per Day (PIC)

Things weren’t this way between the both of them few months ago. Back in February, Dillish got 300 red roses for Valentine from someone whom many reports pointed out to be Adebayor.
She wrote:

Quote
300 red roses! The most I’ve ever received in my life!!!! Thank you honey  kai I can’t stop smiling  #RealLifePrincess#JourneyOfAHumbleDreamer
Let’s see if they will come out about their breakup this time after failing to admit they are dating.
source: gst

How To Get Him To Notice You (Over Someone Else), According To His Zodiac Sign

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PHOTO: UNSPLASH

How To Get Him To Choose You (Over Someone Else), According To His Zodiac Sign

Make him see what’s so special about you, and use astrology to help.

Trying to get a guy’s attention can be reaalllly hard, especially when you feel like your vying for his attention over everyone else who might be interested in him.

Whether you want to just date him casually or you want him to see you as the one he should be in a serious relationship with, showing him that you’re the one he should be with (without seeming desperate or not interested enough) is a difficult process.

Take myself, for instance. I tend to be a little non-committal about pretty much everything in my life, even if I really care about something.

So, when it comes to dating, I tend to go for nonchalant and coy, but it always just comes off as bothered and not at all interested.

I know, I have some work on the face I put out to the world.

But I also feel like when I AM trying to get a guy’s attention that all I’m doing is seeming desperate and needy, even when that’s not how I’m feeling at all.


RELATED: How To Make A Move On A Guy, According To His Zodiac Sign


It’s a weird, fine line that I’m terrible at mastering. And I know that I’m definitely not alone in this mix of emotions.

There’s a difference between just wanting to date a guy and really wanting him to choose you over anyone else who might be interested.

How are you supposed to convince him of something like that?! Your guess is as good as mine.

But even when it seems difficult, it’s not impossible.

All you need to do is get into his mind and really use him as a guide to his heart.

Think of it this way: would you rather date someone who was interested in getting to know you or someone who was trying to impress you with the person he is?


RELATED: How To Attract Any Man Based On His Venus Sign


You would want someone who is actually interested in you, not just get into a relationship with anyone, right? Right! So, how do you do this? Astrology, of course!

Knowing his zodiac sign is the first step in using astrology to your advantage — and no, not to take advantage of him or manipulate him.

Think of it as cheat cards when you get lost. If he’s an Aries, he’s probably looking for someone he can have adventures with. If he’s a Virgo, he might be more attracted to intelligence.

So, if you wanted Aries to choose you, you probably wouldn’t act like a Virgo and vice versa. Make sense?

Each zodiac sign has their own personality traits and preferences when it comes to dating, and both of these things work together to help him choose the right person to date.

So, if you want to know how to get him to choose you (over someone else), you need to understand what his zodiac sign is looking for. After that, he’s all yours!


ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Aries is a passionate guy and he wants whoever he’s dating to be just as passionate and “into” things as he is. The one way to make sure Aries is NEVER interested in you is to be totally unattached and disinterested.

If you’re not jumping up and down when he tells you that he’s planned a weekend away for the two of you or you tell him you don’t really care what you two do on Friday night, then he’s probably going to find someone else who IS interested.

If you want him to choose you over anyone else who’s interested in him, get excited! Start a food fight while you’re cooking dinner together, kiss him passionately when you’re out on the town, let yourself geek out when you’re actually excited about something instead of holding it in because you’re worried what he’s going to think.

And if you don’t really have the exact same interests? Just showing him that you’re not shy about talking about things that make you happy is something that will always keep you on his mind.


RELATED: These 18 Texts Will Get Your Man To Text Back F-A-S-T


TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Taurus is a huge romantic, but he’s also crazy stubborn. So, the minute you hesitate when he’s making dinner plans or asking if you’re ready to take things to the next level, his mind is probably already on someone else… Sorry.

He likes when the person he’s dating to participate in the relationship just as much as he does – like how when a class says that you need participation points to pass, it means you’re gonna have to raise your hand a few times.

He might feel like he has to take control at first, but if he has to take control ALL the time, he’s going to lose interest. Smash all of those pre-conceived notions he has of needing to be a chivalrous boyfriend and be proactive!

Before he asks you what you want to do this weekend, plan a paddleboat ride through the park or buy tix to an outdoor concert and text him something like, “Hey! I was thinking about you this week and I’m really excited to spend some time together this weekend.

Hope you’re free Saturday because I’ve planned something awesome for us!” Five bucks says he floats through the rest of his week, knowing you’re doing something fun and romantic for the two of you.


GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Gemini can be a hard guy to read when it comes to figuring out if he’s totally into you or only kind of into you. Yes, you hit it off when you first met, but now that you two are in that weird stage where you’re hanging out and hooking up, but there are no labels yet, it’s hard to tell what he’s really looking for without grilling him.

We all know that Gemini is much better at starting relationships than following through with them, and his attention span might be working against you, but don’t forget that Gemini is the kind of guy who needs clear communication — not just hints.

Squash all of those, “Is he? Isn’t he?” questions you’re having and just hold his hand! It’s that easy, and you want to know why? Because instead of getting caught up in your thoughts, you’re just going for it.

He’ll love that you’re brave enough to show him you like him in public, but more simply, that you like him. He’s definitely not shy when it comes to PDA and if he knows that you’re willing to prove you’re into him and care about him, he definitely won’t be thinking about anyone else; make the first move and he’s yours.


RELATED: Zodiac Signs Who Love PDA (And The Ones Who Hate It), Ranked


CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Disagree with me all you want, but cooking for someone is one of the most intimate things you can do when you’re really into them. Not only can you do sexy things like feed each other little tastes of what you’re cooking, but add some wine and intimate conversation by candlelight and you’ve got an amazingly romantic night together…

Oh, and the key to Cancer’s heart. The combination of all of these things, plus the fact that you’re willing to do something so personal for him, will make it an easy choice for him.

Plus, while Cancer does like going out on the town with his partner, he’s also a huge fan of cozy nights in and comfort food. And whether you make one of his favorite dishes or you totally wow the both of you with something unique and delicious, he’s definitely going to want to show off something he can cook, too.

And nothing is sexier than a little friendly competition, right? And another great way to keep him hooked? Make your dinner dates a weekly thing, so he has something to look forward to (AKA you).


LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Not everyone prefers a night in, of course, because every zodiac sign has different tastes. Take Leo, for example. Unless going back to his place means he gets to show off his new silk bedsheets, he much prefers to take his partner out and show them off.

If you want Leo to choose you over someone else, you gotta be down to show off your power couple status and spend some cash. Lions are majestic creatures and Leo knows that going big is a good way to get noticed — especially by someone you like.

That said, Leo is also attracted to those who are courageous enough to make the first move because it means there’s a good chance you can keep up with him. What does making the first move look like for Leo? I’d say something along the lines of planning a lavish night out.

He’ll think it pretty sexy if you can woo him with some bubbly champagne, a nice meal, and a romantic walk around the city. Show him that you like the finer things in life, too, and he’ll be super impressed.

And the other great thing about dating Leo is that he fully believes in equality in relationships. So while you might be picking up the tab one night, he’ll be more than happy to pick it up next week. All he cares about is getting closer to you over chocolate-covered strawberries and low lighting… Ohhh, yeah.


RELATED: The GUARANTEED Way To Not Feel Awkward When He Pays


VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

If you want to hook a Virgo man, you have to have GREAT conversation skills – like, you can talk to just about anyone and make them feel like they had a really meaningful conversation with you.

For Virgo, relationships are much more than just spending time together or being intimate; they’re also about opening up to a person that means a lot to you — not just anyone.

You can tell this means a lot to Virgo because he’s known for seeming a little closed off around people until he knows what they really want out of him. If you’re looking for a casual hook-up, keep lookin’ because Virgo isn’t interested.

To get Virgo to be interested in you and only you, tap into your sensitive side and open up to him. He’ll love it if you go to him for all of your deep, late-night conversations you want to have, and be even more infatuated with you if you want to spend time with him in person when you want to talk — rather than over the phone.

When he knows that you really do care about what he has to say and you want to know more about him, he’ll really feel like he’s making a deep connection with you that’s beyond anything he has with anyone else; and that’s BIG for Virgo.


LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Libra is very intense when it comes to relationships; he’s looking for someone he can spend his life with, after all1 And when he feels like someone just isn’t putting their all into being with him, he tends to lose interest very fast.

Of course, you’re certainly not the only one out there looking to make a long-term commitment, so you want to make sure that you stand out from all the rest so that Libra can see just how special you truly are.

Libra is serious about love, so it’s a pre-requisite that you are too – no flaking on him after a few months! Once you decide that you are ready for the long haul, the best way to make him yours for good is to get excited about the future! Just saying you’re into him isn’t enough, and no, that doesn’t mean you have to start talking about babies, either.

Attracting Libra is all about letting the romance lead you. Take him to meet your family, schedule a day where his friends and your friends can get to know each other, and make him feel like he’s an important part of your life and future; make him believe in the phrase “when you know, you know.”


RELATED: Zodiac Signs Who Make Great Dads — Ranked From Best To Worst


SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Scorpio is one of those guys who tend to be more interested in you when you pretend like you’re not interested in him. Yeah, crazy right? He’s in love with the chase, but he also needs to know that when he finally catches you that you’re going to stick around.

If he wants to keep things casual, he’ll make sure he never catches feelings, but there is a way to make sure that he is actually into you and not just playing around.

While he’ll be the first to flirt and play games with your heart, he’ll also secretly be testing the waters; asking you what you’re looking for in a guy and if you want something serious.

The biggest thing to make sure that he stays interested in you and no one else (besides feigning interest yourself) is being honest. Scorpio won’t even bother with the games if he thinks you’re just using him or saying what he wants to hear to keep him around.

If he asks you a serious question seemingly out of the blue, go with it. Say what’s in your heart so he knows he can trust you. When he inevitably goes back to the chase, play along; miss a few of his calls and leave every conversation with him wanting more and he’ll be eating out of the palm of your hand in no time.


SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius wants adventure and someone to share memories with. He might not seem like it, what with his ability to make every relationship seem casual and unattached, but he’s had his fair share of love and loss.

He’s the kind of guy who’s constantly trying to grow from his mistakes and past experiences, so just because he seems like he’s bouncing around from one partner to another, he’s really just looking for that next important relationship. He’ll definitely want someone who can have fun rather than wanting to get too serious too fast.

Make him choose you over everyone else by making yourself the last person he thinks of every night before he goes to sleep. Late at night is Sagittarius’ time to ruminate on the important things and let his mind wander.

He might have a totally full schedule during the day, but it’s what he thinks about right before he goes to bed that’s most important to him. Ask him for company when you go on a late-night Taco Bell run or invite him on a last-minute weekend trip to the lake with you and your friends.

Whether it’s just the two of you together or a whole group of you, all he’ll see is that you’re willing to make him feel welcome in any situation. And if you really want to seal the deal, send him a flirty good night text, thanking him for spending time with you and making your day more exciting.


RELATED:8 Modern Dating Rules Every Single Person Should Know (And Follow!)


CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

When Capricorn looks for someone to get serious with, he looks at his prospects from a lot of different angles. The most important thing for him is making sure that his potential partner has a rich, full life outside of their relationship.

That means that if you want Capricorn in your life, you need to prove that you have ambition in your career, solid friendships, and a strong connection with your family. If he feels like you only ever go out when he asks you on a date or that you don’t care about being the best you that you can be, he won’t stick around for very long.

This might make it seem like Capricorn has a laundry list of expectations for you, but in reality, he just wants to have a strong relationship that is built on more than just spending time together.

You can prove that you’re the right one for him by putting as much effort into your career and self as you put into your relationship. Remember that spending time apart is just as healthy as spending time together — your relationship with Capricorn should be built on trust, openness, and respect, rather than just how much time you’re together.

When you’re honest about what you want from Capricorn, he’ll return the effort you put into the relationship and more.


AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Aquarius is a very independent man, so it’s hard for others to get him to let his guard down and really fall in love. But just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean it’s impossible – it just means you have to be willing to work a little harder than usual.

Aquarius’ biggest hang-up about not wanting to be in a relationship is based on two things: his independence and his mindset that not everyone gets him. He’s used to being his own problem solver and doesn’t want to give up his identity just to be with someone else.

If you want to get Aquarius to choose you, you need to show him that you care. Instead of swooping in to take care of all his problems, collaborate with him on what’s bugging him. And if he still wants to do his own thing, then show him that you still want to be around him and will always be there to listen and keep him company.

If you show him that you want to be his friend AND his partner, he’ll have a hard time resisting you; he can’t say no to someone who cares about him deeply.


RELATED:12 Ways To Get REAL About Your Life — So You Can FINALLY Love Yourself


PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Pisces is the guy who needs someone who constantly shows that they care about him before he can make things official. It can kind of freak him out when he realizes that he’s falling for you, but if he knows that there’s a good foundation for your relationship, he’s more than willing to push past his fears.

So, how do you get him to have heart eyes for you and you only? By expressing your emotions with each other. Pisces is a big feeler and he has a lot of emotions. But he needs to know that you’ll accept him no matter what and that your relationship is about giving and receiving.

If he thinks that he’s doing all the talking, then he’ll feel like he’s just bothering you and stop. Prove to him that you’re sticking around for more than just a casual hook-up or friendship by being the one he comes to first whenever he wants to talk.

Share your emotions and thoughts with him candidly and often, and he’ll hit you up whenever he wants to talk or hang out. Pisces is looking for a friend and a confidant; someone who makes him feel special and wanted, no matter what he’s going through. Plus, emotional maturity is crazy sexy and Pisces is all over that


Married to Their Smartphones (Oh, and to Each Other, Too) – Godinterest

God

Neither Joe or Willy are having an affair. But one of them has found a new object of affection, which has become a new companion and inspires a surprising amount of jealousy among her spouse – its the new relationship buster: the smartphone. “It helps me wake up,” she said.

“Experts say that smartphone use is meddling in our marriages in ways that are sometimes benign, and often forcing couples to address an ever more important question: At what point are we choosing to spend more time with our smartphones than with our spouses? (Christian Marriages, Too)”

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, the warmth and intimacy of marriages are ebbing away with a culture of dings, beeps and buzzes as most people manage everything from bank accounts to fantasy football teams on mobile phone devices.

It’s almost at pandemic levels now. Married or not, most of us sleep with our phones right next to us, pocket them as we go from place to place and think nothing of using them whether our partners are talking or not.

“Therapists say that when a marriage hits a rocky patch, they’ve seen one or both partners hide behind their phones.”

If you’re still reading this article then we can safely assume you know what we’re talking about. The US divorce rate hovers at 40 per cent, but that’s not the whole story. Many sound relationships are on life support. According to a survey by the National Opinion Research Centre.

You’d think this problem would exist only outside the church, wrong.

Pope Francis says most marriages today are ‘invalid’ because couples don’t go into them with the right intentions. This is a disaster for the Church much less society as a whole.

“When a Christian marriage unravels, many questions rise to the surface.”

It’s a shame that most of our relationships are in shambles. However, its time to put down the Smartphone and save your marriage. But how?

1. The first year of marriage is hard…really hard.

In an increasingly individualistic, “me” culture, weddings create a potentially dangerous situation for a newlywed Christian couple. If you are empty, broken, or insecure, and you believe a spouse is the silver bullet to your a problems…buckle up. The marriage will be bumpy-ride.

Don’t buy the wedding day lie. Marriage is not about you. Take this as a warning…the first year of marriage is difficult and you will never be able to enjoy the beauty of marriage if your spouse’s job is to complete you.

In Saudi Arabia, a newlywed husband filied for divorce after his wife stopped his attempts at consummation to reply to wedding messages. Whiles this is simply over the top. Yes, it can be partially about not texting on your wedding night!

We know marriage is hard, but walking away from it will have a lasting impact. Marry a Christian, yes. But maybe go even further and marry somebody with similar passions and dreams.

2. Prioritize Your Partner Over Your Phone

“Marital bliss is fictional, but marital happiness can be a reality.”

This is an obvious point, but it’s still one that most people tend to disregard. Sex is a gift from God. So explore It. Make no mistake…God created sex. But through the years, God’s people allowed Satan to steal this gift. Without a fight.

God created sex. If your married, here’s a challenge. Explore sex. Explore the fullness of it and pray for sexual intimacy with your spouse.

3. There is more than one person out there for you.

Marriage is a huge choice, and so is divorce. Soul mates are made…not born. We are not sure where this idea of a soul mate originated, but it is false. Maintaining a healthy relationship is more about commitment than perfection. Marriages are complex – they’re filled with compromise, balancing expectations and maintaining a foundation built on trust. A successful marriage is one where you serve your spouse and both of you serve God. You see the closer you get to God the closer you will be to each other.

“The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married ” – (John Fischer).

To God be the glory forever. Amen!

So You Think You’ve Married the Wrong Person? – GodInterest

Church, God

5-Truths-about-Gods-Design-for-Sex-in-Marriage-1.jpg

When I saw Roger’s Facebook profile photo, my first reaction, if I’m honest, was that he wasn’t good-looking enough for me. Yet when he sent a message saying I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, I gave into his invitation for dinner, she says in regret.

“According to a new survey of more than 1,600 divorcees, 49 percent admitted they were worried on their wedding day their relationship would break down, and two-thirds considered leaving their spouse-to-be at the altar.”

“A sixth said they hoped their partner would change after the wedding, while others said they got married in the hope that it would “all work out” in the end.”

Lord, I’m sorry! I married the wrong man. Please forgive me, she cries out in agonizing prayer. 

No couple should expect bliss every day and most couples know that perfection is not on the cards. Nevertheless, there are couples who display such deep-seated incompatibility, such heightened rage and disappointment, that most people will conclude that something else is at play beyond the normal scratchiness: they appear to have married the wrong person.

How do such errors happen, in our enlightened, knowledge-rich times? To avoid becoming a “statistic,” try to internalize these 7 insights.

#1. You picked the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you’re married.

Many Christians may assume that non-believers are more likely to marry the wrong person because they lack God’s guidance in finding their one true love. But not so fast. Unfortunately, the number of Christians divorcing is no lower than that of non-believers.

“Singles today (and most married couples too) are searching for super-spouses that simply don’t exist.”

Movie star Mickey Rooney said, “Marriage is like batting in baseball; when the right one comes along, you don’t want to let it go by.” It sounds good, until you realize that Mickey was married eight times. He must have had a lot of “good pitches” to swing at!

Mickey Rooney has what might be called the “needle in a haystack” view of picking a mate.

But you won’t find a “wrong needle” clause in the Bible that gives you an “out” if you conclude that your spouse isn’t right for you. Instead you’ll find in Malachi 2:15, “Do not break faith with the wife of your youth.”

Surprising to many, the Bible never tells us to find the one God has chosen.  It tells us how to live with the person we have chosen. It’s easy to take our thoughts to the extreme when we’re so unhappy. But lets not forget that God says in the Bible says, “Come, let us reason together” (Isaiah 1:18). You didn’t marry a mind reader.  Don’t fault him or her for that.

#2. You picked the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.

Many societies portray marriage as a temporary arrangement that can be adapted or forsaken at will.  When first looking out for a partner, the requirements we come up with are coloured by a beautiful non-specific sentimental vagueness. All of us are crazy in very particular ways. All too many people say their vows without a real commitment to their spouse or to God.

Marriage is not primarily about finding the right spouse. It’s about being the right person. In his classic work, The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm declares, “To love somebody is not just a strong feeling—it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise.

#3. You choose the wrong person because you do not share common life goals and priorities.

Biblically, a Christian should be looking to marry another believer who shares a similar commitment to following the Lord Jesus. Marriage to an unbeliever should be avoided (2 Corinthians 6:14). So, if a Christian marries a non-Christian, he or she may have indeed married the wrong person.

#4. You choose the wrong person because you got intimately involved too quickly.

“Do you know unmarried couples who attend church, have consensual sex, and may even live together? According to a recent study by the Barna Group,”

The Bible is filled with lots of info about sex, and believe it or not, God thinks it’s a great idea! And why shouldn’t He, He invented it and declared it to be “good.”

Many Christian couples also justify cohabitation with the rationalization that they are going to get married eventually. However, the Bible promotes complete abstinence before marriage. Sex between a husband and his wife is the only form of sexual relations of which God approves (Hebrews 13:4). Sex within marriage is pleasurable, and God designed it that way. God wants men and women to enjoy sexual activity within the confines of marriage.

If you believe Christ died on a cross for your sins and you are trusting in Christ alone for your salvation, Christ commands you to pick up your cross and follow him (Matt. 16:24). Sex outside of marriage is a sin, no matter how a person tries to interpret Scripture otherwise, and every Christian is called to obey God in this aspect of life. Jesus said.

Also consider this, if the Bible’s message on sex before marriage was obeyed, there would be far fewer sexually transmitted diseases, far fewer abortions, far fewer unwed mothers and unwanted pregnancies, and far fewer children growing up without both parents in their lives.

#5. You picked the wrong person because you didn’t put everything on the table.

Let’s start off with the big one.  TRUST!  When a spouse is persistently and relentlessly lying about dim-witted things, it causes worry and doubts to set up camp. The journey begins like this. A young man or woman identifies the person he or she wants to marry and begins the business of serious courtship. Time and money are no object. They have a worthy goal and are motivated, even if that means telling lies in the process.

“You look as beautiful today as the day I met you.” “Of course you don’t look fat in that.” “I’m not angry.” “I wasn’t looking at her, I was just noticing her boots.”

Legally, all you need for a wedding is a visit to the county clerk’s office, and whatever else your local government requires. Most weddings these days skip the garter toss; many skip the bridesmaids and groomsmen, and some even skip the flowers. But what matters most is that you tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

“If you tell the truth, it becomes part of your past, however, if you tell a lie, it becomes part of your future”. ~ Author Unknown”

Wow does that quote nails it, or what??!!

#6. You picked the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.

In many places in the world, a fantasy is promoted that marriage should meet all our needs—the emphasis being on meeting one’s own needs, not the needs of one’s spouse. However, people that are unhappy when single and expect marriage to fulfil their lives are greatly disappointed as their level of contentment will drop even lower when married. Unrealistic expectations are those demands you make of your spouse of which he or she is incapable of providing.

“When you’re single, you experience a range of contentment from low to high. However, when your married, that range becomes even wider in both directions. Greater contentment—or discontentment.”

God wants to destroy you, not the physical you, but the selfish you. Jesus taught us that if we don’t die to our selfish nature, we will never be able to experience all the blessings that God wants to bestow on us. Well, if there was ever an institution designed to kill the selfish you, it’s marriage. In fact, it is virtually impossible to succeed at marriage if you don’t learn how to let the selfish part of you die.

#7. You picked the wrong person because you did not consult with God

“I don’t think I can do any better. He or she said, It may sound cliché, but if you don’t respect and love yourself, it will be difficult to respect and love another person.”

Surely we aren’t destined to fail.  So maybe we have misunderstood the will of God. I know that sounds simplistic. Many people claim that is the problem with their marriage.  If they could go back and press rewind, if they knew back then what they know now, they would have made different decisions. But remember that God promises us that if we ask, He will give. And while asking, request that the Holy Spirit guide you as your Wonderful Counselor (Isaiah 9:6).

How can a person prevent getting married to the wrong person?

The truth is, a successful marriage is not the result of marrying the “right” person, feeling the “right”emotions, thinking the “right” thoughts, or even praying the “right” prayers,

Instead, keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards,” is good advice (Poor Richard’s Almanac, June 1738), but even more helpful is to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (Matthew 6:33).

Godinterest.

Non-Mattress Sex — Hunida’s Blog

Homes

The first time I gave a blowjob it wasn’t on a mattress or even in a bedroom. I was in 7th grade at a little friend get-together at one of my then-BFF’s house. I had a boyfriend but we never talked or anything before this night except through text. We went into the bathroom when […]

via Non-Mattress Sex — Hunida’s Blog

Love of You…

Words

declaration-of-love_23-2147517078Love of you….                                                                                                                                   Oh God! The smell of you                                                                                                    sweet smell of thy presence                                                                                                     the glory of your essence                                                                                                      holding me captive always

 

Sweet, smell of you                                                                                                              Sweet catchy and intoxicating,                                                                                             aroma, strong and overpowering                                                                             powerful, gentle and submerging                                                                                Holding me captive always

 

Dreams, Memories of you                                                                                               alluring, unforgettable and overwhelming                                                                        your presence always with me                                                                                                   Day and night, my thought                                                                                                    held captive in you

Reigning Daily With Christ- Pastor Jide Ogunsakin

Church, God

Wednesday April, 11

PRAISE CAN HANDLE THE ODDS

MEMORY VERSE:

For the Lord is great, and greatly to be praised: he is to be feared above all gods (Psalms 96:4).

JIDE OGUNSAKIN

PASTOR JIDE OGUNSAKIN Senior Pastor, New Kingdom Church, Pameec Plaza, Wuye, Abuja, Nigeria +234 806 313 4845

TEXT:

Psalms 33:1-12

Obstacles are real but more real is the ability of God to put them where they belong. Praise is so powerful and effectual in subduing all obstacles of life. It will interest you to know that praise is much more effectual than the longest fast anyone can engage in. Your greatest obstacle in life will never require more than praise to become a miracle. If through the weapon of praise the wall of Jericho came down flat then through your praise every wall standing on your way to your high places must crumble for your sake. The problem of believers is not lack of solution but either ignorance or refusal to engage the force that will bring their solution their way. Praise is that force that no other force under heaven has the ability to resist. Prayer is good and potent but no matter how fervent it may be it cannot compete with the power of praise. If you want results in all you do then give God praise. If you want results cheaply, praise. If you want life to be sweet for you – you must make life sweet for God through praise. Praise is God’s delight.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT:

Whatever God can handle is what praise can handle.

 PRAYER:

Father, I know my circumstances are not bigger than You, as I praise You today, meet me at the point of my very need in Jesus name.

READ THE BIBLE IN ONE YEAR

Deuteronomy 15, 16:1-20   Luke 13:31-35, 14:1-14 Psalms 44:1-12

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Power of Persistent by Pastor Jide Ogunsakin – +2348063134845

Senator Bukar Mustapha is Dead

international News, local news, Politics

Bukar Mustapha, the senator representing Katsina North, is dead.

Mr. Mustapha was President Muhammadu Buhari’s senator as he represented the president’s senatorial district.

He died after a brief illness on Wednesday, Securewatch gathered from reliable sources learnt.

The News Agency of Nigeria quotes Mr. Bukar’s younger brother, Kanta Bukar, as confirming the news.

Mr. Bukar’s death is coming less than a week after the deputy majority leader of the House of Representatives, Umar Jibril, died after a protracted illness.

It also came about two weeks after another senator, Ali Wakili, passed away.

 

buhari-senators

POWER OF PERSISTENT PRAYER

Church, God, Words

  POWER OF PERSISTENT PRAYER-                                                                                       Pastor Jide Ogunsakin  

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Power of Persistent by Pastor Jide Ogunsakin – +2348063134845

 “So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened” (Luke 11: 9-10)

Max Lucado told of a church in Scotland back in the 1940s that was  struggling to keep its doors open. A couple of its members were older   ladies who were invalids and couldn’t get out for worship any longer. But these ladies refused to allow their infirmities to get in the way of serving their God. They became convinced that their community needed Jesus desperately and they were going to do something about it. The resolved they were going to pray.

They determined to make their house a house of prayer. Around the clock they prayed for God to do something powerful. Then came one day, one of the ladies became convinced that God wanted a revivalist by the name of Campbell to come and hold meetings at their church. They talked to their preacher and he contacted the evangelist Campbell, but Campbell was unavailable. He was booked around the period.

IMG-20180403-WA0010#1.pngHowever, these women refused to give up on their prayers and it was not long before oddly enough some of Campbell’s other revival dates were cancelled and he eventually decided to accept the invitation of the small church. Upon arrival at the church, Campbell held 5 weeks of meetings in the areas.

The revival was so well received that hundreds showed up each night and lives were so touched that many local taverns had to close shop due to lack of patrons. One might think it was the powerful teachings by the renowned revivalist, but in reality it was due to faithfulness of two invalid old ladies who dedicated themselves to a live of prayers for the church.

Prayer simply defined is a conversation between God and man, -a kind of dialogue where both parties communicate –. In this kind of encounter, requests are made based on belief in God and He guarantees supplies. Petitions are tendered and swift and appropriate justices are dispensed. Questions are asked and answers are provided. In prayer, God is the bigger partner; the benefactor, while the person who prays, is the beneficiary.

Prayers take different forms; this is determined by the situation of the person involved and his/her circumstances. In other words, the pattern or approach to praying is predicated on the nature of a person’s situation. When a man is in a desperate need for divine intervention, persistent  praying become his natural option to succeed. He must indulge in “Pray until something happens”. Some people call this approach “Operation PUSH” an acronym for “Pray Until Something Happens”. In the words of E. M. Bounds, “He who does not push his plea does not pray at all. Cold prayers have no claim on heaven and no hearing in the courts above”. Until our prayer becomes forceful and “pushful” it might have no guarantee of  answers.

Jesus declared that “… from the days of John the Baptist until now, the Kingdom of heavens suffers violence, and the violence takes it by force!” (Matt.11: 12). Nothing describes persistent prayer more aptly than this statement from the lips of Jesus. In its simplest form; it implies that from the time of John the Baptist, the kingdom of heaven have been experiencing forceful advancement. People who believe have been doing their bits to take the things that belong to them.

 Luke quoted Jesus as saying; “ the law and the prophets were until John. Since that time the Kingdom of God has been preached and everyone is pressing into it” (Luke 16:16). This smacks off persistence, insistence, and consistence, until what is promised by God is obtained. This is the reason for the imperative of persistence in prayers in the lives of all Christians today as it has always been in the days of the Apostles.

Why should Prayers Be Persistent?

Prayers should be persistent whenever a situation is desperate and without obvious solutions. Two examples given by our Lord and Master, Jesus Christ when He walked the face of this earth might shed more lights on our understanding of the need for persistence in our prayer lives. These two parables explain what it really means to be persistent in our prayers to God.

The first account is found in the books of Luke 11: 5-8. A man had an august visitor who arrived at past midnight hours. Can you imagine an unexpected important visitor coming to visit after midnight that you just have to entertain while you have the misfortune of having nothing in the house to set before this guest, and given the timing, almost all places to make purchases are closed. But to show his hospitality, this host must do something to save his dear guest from sleeping in hunger. Lacking many options, he remembered his old friend who was most courteous to always have extra bread in case of emergencies like this.

Without much delay he headed for his friend’s house. The situation was desperate and as they say, “Desperate situations require desperate measures”. In this instance his friend was the only person known with supply he urgently needed at that time. On his part, he was determined to do all he could to have this need met. Jesus continued, “this man went to his friend who was already fast asleep and his children well tucked in bed and began to knock at the door”.

Imagine the knocks of a man in utter desperate situation. He pounded loudly on the door until the man who was fast asleep (or so he thought), suddenly woke up and wryly inquired, “who is at the door?” This was the opportunity this desperate friend was waiting for. He longed for a response from within while he knocked unceasingly. Now when the opportunity presented itself, he seized it with both hands.

His answer to the question “who is at the door” was succinct, clear, precise and straight to the point. There was no room for ambiguities. He reeled out his need to the man who had the capacity to meet them. Here is what he said: “will you kindly lend me some loaves of bread? A friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have nothing to set before him. Please save me from this embarrassment.”

Remember he did not go to just anyone, he knew that a friend loves at all time, hence he could get some respite from this his friend in his moment of his need. But did he get the expected answers to his request immediately? No; not without some serious persistence at his request. His rind answered him from his bed but the response was not encouraging. It was blunt: “Do not disturb me. I am already asleep and my children are also asleep. I will not be able to get up and give any bread”.

Here is a point; he had some bread right in his pantry, but the trouble was the stress to get up and give the bread to him. The friend was happy to be doubly sure that there was indeed bread to be had in the locked house, so what needed to be done was anything to compel his friend to come out of his bed and grant his request. The secret was to persist in knocking at his door.

As he refused to let off on his knocks, he succeeded in knocking sleep off the eyes of his sleep loving-friend. Eventually, the man reluctantly stood up and gave him as many bread, as he needed. Jesus maintained that: “Though he will not rise and give him bread because they were friends but because of his importunity, he rose and gave him as he needed”

The power of persistency is really unstoppable. Even people who are heartless, unloving, uncaring and wicked will normally yield to persistent requests, let alone God who is caring, loving, and righteous. He will always answer us speedily.

The second example of persistence in supplication that Jesus taught is found in Luke 18: 1-8. In this beautiful passage Jesus expressed the purpose of the parable in the very first verse: “… men ought to pray and not faint, or lose heart or give up”. Prayer is the only means by which mortal men communicate with immortal God. It is the process by which the       visible talk to the invisible; divinity answers humanity; and problems that look as if they defy normal solutions receives prompt attention and are solved. Jesus was thus emphatic on the need for unbroken prayer chain, which should never give rooms for doubt that might abort the conversation.

Jesus cited the example of a poor widow in illustrating the power of persistence in request. He noted that the poor and hapless woman was facing an impossible situation with this judge sitting over her case. The judge antecedent was indeed quite overwhelming and depressing. He was reputed to neither fear God nor regard men. She knew this judge well and was aware of what she was up against.

Determined to face all consequences squarely and banking on help of God’s providence, she prayed for a positive outcome at the end. She was optimistic that she will have a win at the end of her trial and have the last laugh. Did she really achieve this? The end of the story assured us that her prayers were not in vain, as she did won the case against her. She had gone to the judge with only one request: ”Avenge me of my adversary!” That summed it all up in a short, precise and direct request.

Her adversary was probably making life difficult for her and possibly her children. Her unfavourable condition of being a widow made her vulnerable in the society. She needed and requested protections from her adversaries who were threatening her life. This judge was the only who could meet her need, though the most callous she could find.

Jesus informs us that this judge initially paid little attention to her or to her requests. He openly despised, ignored and bluntly refused to do what she was asking him to do for her, leaving her to her fate. Yet she never quit, never give up and retreat to face her fate alone. She continued to insist on the need for the judge to answer her and avenge her of her adversary. Her need justified her continuous supplication and actions. To her desperate issues must be met with desperate measures. As afar as she was concerned, the judge was her only hope of surviving in the land, and she cared less about his personality or moods, either he was good natured or heartless, all she wanted was justice.

Her undying persistence finally wore out the judge’s resistance; he gave in. Her refusal to give up her petitions, gave him no option but to hear and accede to them. She won a hard fought battle and had the last laugh. Jesus noted that the judge did not give up without seriously rebuffing this hapless widow. He discovered to his chagrin that this widow was no push over, – a woman that cannot be ignored- His resistance was waned down by her persistence.

The judge realizing the need to achieve a win-win situation; –for him to have peace and rest of mind he must address the widow’s pleas- he was pressured to finally listen to her pleas and attend to her needs. He acceded unto her supplications and she was satisfied and     happily left him to his other duties. So both won in the end; the judge his peace of mind from the pestering widow and the widow won her case in his court.

Our attention was drawn by Jesus to a statement credited to the judge when he thought aloud: “Even though I do not fear God nor regard men but because this woman keeps troubling me, I will avenge her lest by her continuous coming she wears me out”. Jesus commented, “Hear what the unjust judge said, and shall not God avenge his own elect who cry out to him day and night even though he bear long with them? I tell you He will avenge them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes shall He find faith in the earth?” The lesson Jesus was teaching us here is that God is not wicked and heartless to keep ignoring our prayers like the unjust judge did.

Jesus assured us that: “God will hear speedily, as many as cry to Him day and Night”. Persistent prayer is a powerful prayer tool that we must use consistently; and God is ever there to answer us speedily.

Another good example of persistence in prayer in the Bible was demonstrated by Prophet Elijah (1 Kings 18:41-45). Prophet Elijah and King Ahab needed rain after three years of continuous drought in Israel. Elijah bent down on the ground putting his face between his knees. Elijah prayed and asked his servant to go out and look towards the sea for cloud and a sign of rain as answer to his supplication. The servant returned and reported that there was no sign at all.

Elijah was not dissuaded by this setback, but kept on praying with expectation. He sent his servant again and again until he got a favourable answer to his fervent prayers. Finally, his servant looked towards the sea seven times before the rain clouds were sighted. Elijah never waivered in his prayers, he would not give up and doubt his beliefs hence he got the answer to his persistent prayers. Without doubts in his heart, his total expectation and confidence in the Almighty God provoked the desired results at the end.

I will love to close this chapter with a testimony of a sister as shared with my father in the Lord, Pastor E. A. Adeboye:

This sister and her blind mother lived in a rented apartment. One fateful day, the landlord came and threatened to throw them out of the house due to the fact that they owed him huge some of money as rent. The landlord there and then gave them an ultimatum to either pay up what they owe by 12 noon the following day or be violently thrown out of the house. The sister cried unto God in clear terms, saying, “O Lord, where will I go with my blind mother? O god, you have until 12 noon tomorrow to send us help’. She prayed fervently and later dropped off to sleep that night. She was woken the next morning by an aroma coming from the directions of the kitchen, wondering who could be cooking in her kitchen since she lived alone with her mother who was blind and could not cook in her condition.

To her utmost surprised when she made her way into the kitchen, she     discovered her mother was the person preparing their breakfast. Her blind mother has been miraculously healed during the night by God, and could now see. Their mouths were filled with joy. In that great mood, they sat down to eat with their faith renewed, strengthened and broadened. Before she started eating, he said a quick prayer: “God, if you could open the eyes of my mother, then I know that the money with which we shall pay the rent will arrive before 12noon”.

Shortly before they finished their meal, the doorbell rang, and it was the postman who had come to deliver a letter. She received the letter and when she opened it she discovered miracle number two: in the envelope was a cheque; and the amount on the cheques was not only enough to clear their backlog of rent but enough to actually buy off the house.

Things to Remember:

  • When a man is in a desperate need for divine intervention, persistent prayer becomes his natural option.
  • He who does not push his plea does not pray at all. Cold prayers have no claim on heaven and no hearing in the courts above.
  • The prayer of persistence is imperative in the life of the Christian today as it has always been.
  • The power of persistency is unstoppable. It does not take no for an answer.
  • Even a man that is heartless, unloving, uncaring and wicked will yield to persistence, let alone God who is caring, loving, and righteous.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Winnie Madikizela-Mandela Is Dead at 81

international News, OBITUARY

Winnie Madikizela-Mandela, whose hallowed place in the pantheon of South Africa’s liberators was eroded by scandal over corruption, kidnapping, murder and the implosion of her fabled marriage to Nelson Mandela, died early Monday in Johannesburg. She was 81.

Her death, at the Netcare Milpark Hospital, was announced by her spokesman, Victor Dlamini. He said in a statement that she died “after a long illness, for which she had been in and out of hospital since the start of the year.”

The South African Broadcasting Corporation said she was admitted to the hospital over the weekend complaining of the flu after she attended a church service on Friday. She had been treated for diabetes and underwent major surgeries as her health began failing over the last several years.

Charming, intelligent, complex, fiery and eloquent, Ms. Madikizela-Mandela (Madikizela was her surname at birth) was inevitably known to most of the world through her marriage to the revered Mr. Mandela. It was a bond that endured ambiguously: She derived a vaunted status from their shared struggle, yet she chafed at being defined by him.

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Ms. Madikizela-Mandela attended her husband’s trial in Pretoria, South Africa, in 1962. Credit Associated Press

Ms. Madikizela-Mandela commanded a natural constituency of her own among South Africa’s poor and dispossessed, and the post-apartheid leaders who followed Mr. Mandela could never ignore her appeal to a broad segment of society. In April 2016, the government of President Jacob G. Zuma gave Ms. Madikizela-Mandela one of the country’s highest honors: the Order of Luthuli, given, in part, for contributions to the struggle for democracy.

Ms. Madikizela-Mandela retained a political presence as a member of Parliament, representing the dominant African National Congress, and she insisted on a kind of primacy in Mr. Mandela’s life, no matter their estrangement.

Increasingly, though, Ms. Madikizela-Mandela resented the notion that her anti-apartheid credentials had been eclipsed by her husband’s global stature and celebrity, and she struggled in vain in later years to be regarded again as the “mother of the nation,” a sobriquet acquired during the long years of Mr. Mandela’s imprisonment. She insisted that her contribution had been wrongly depicted as a pale shadow of his.

“I am not Mandela’s product,” she told an interviewer. “I am the product of the masses of my country and the product of my enemy” — references to South Africa’s white rulers under apartheid and to her burning hatred of them, rooted in her own years of mistreatment, incarceration and banishment.

Conduit to Her Husband

While Mr. Mandela was held at the Robben Island penal settlement, off Cape Town, where he spent most of his 27 years in jail, Ms. Madikizela-Mandela acted as the main conduit to his followers, who hungered for every clue to his thinking and well-being. The flow of information was meager, however: Her visits there were rare, and she was never allowed physical contact with him.

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The Mandelas were married in June 1958.                     Credit Agence France-Presse — Getty Images

In time, her reputation became scarred by accusations of extreme brutality toward suspected turncoats, misbehavior and indiscretion in her private life, and a radicalism that seemed at odds with Mr. Mandela’s quest for racial inclusiveness.

She nevertheless sought to remain in his orbit. She was at his side, brandishing a victor’s clenched fist salute, when he was finally released from prison in February 1990.

At his funeral, in December 2013, she appeared by his coffin in mourning black — positioning herself almost as if she were the grieving first lady — even though Mr. Mandela had married Graça Machel, the widow of the former Mozambican president Samora Machel, in 1998, on his 80th birthday, six years after separating from Ms. Madikizela-Mandela and two years after their divorce. It was Mr. Mandela’s third marriage.

In 2016, Ms. Madikizela-Mandela began legal efforts to secure the ownership of Mr. Mandela’s home in his ancestral village of Qunu. She contended that their marriage had never been lawfully dissolved and that she was therefore entitled to the house, which Mr. Mandela had bequeathed to his descendants. High Court judges rejected that argument in April. After learning that she had lost the case, she was hospitalized.

Her lawyers said she would appeal the High Court judgment.

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Ms. Madikizela-Mandela was surrounded by supporters in the black township of Kagiso in 1986. Credit Associated Press

‘She Who Must Endure’

Nomzamo Winifred Zanyiwe Madikizela was born to a noble family of the Xhosa-speaking Pondo tribe in Transkei. Her first name, Nomzamo, means “she who must endure trials.”

Her birth date was Sept. 26, 1936, according to the Nelson Mandela Foundation and many other sources, although earlier accounts gave the year as 1934.

Her father, Columbus, was a senior official in the so-called homeland of Transkei, according to South African History Online, an unofficial archive, which described her as the fourth of eight children. (Other accounts say her family was larger.) Her mother, Gertrude, was a teacher who died when Winnie was 8, the archive said.

As a barefoot child she tended cattle and learned to make do with very little, in marked contrast to her later years of free-spending ostentation. She attended a Methodist mission school and then the Hofmeyr School of Social Work in Johannesburg, where she befriended Adelaide Tsukudu, the future wife of Oliver Tambo, a law partner of Mr. Mandela’s who went on to lead the A.N.C. in exile. She turned down a scholarship in the United States, preferring to remain in South Africa as the first black social worker at the Baragwanath hospital in Soweto.

One day in 1957, when she was waiting at a bus stop, Nelson Mandela drove past. “I was struck by her beauty,” he wrote in his autobiography, “Long Walk to Freedom.” Some weeks later, he recalled, “I was at the office when I popped in to see Oliver and there was this same young woman.” 

Mr. Mandela, approaching 40 and the father of three, declared on their first date that he would marry her. Soon he separated from his first wife, Evelyn Ntoko Mase, a nurse, to marry Ms. Madikizela-Mandela on June 14, 1958.

Ms. Madikizela-Mandela was thrust into the limelight in 1964 when her husband was sentenced to life in prison on charges of treason. She was officially “banned” under draconian restrictions intended to make her a nonperson, unable to work, socialize, move freely or be quoted in the South African news media, even as she raised their two daughters, Zenani and Zindziswa.

In a crackdown in May 1969, five years after her husband was sent to prison, she was arrested and held for 17 months, 13 in solitary confinement. She was beaten and tortured. The experience, she wrote, was “what changed me, what brutalized me so much that I knew what it is to hate.”

After blacks rioted in the segregated Johannesburg township of Soweto in 1976, Ms. Madikizela-Mandela was again imprisoned without trial, this time for five months. She was then banished to a bleak township outside the profoundly conservative white town of Brandfort, in the Orange Free State.

“I am a living symbol of whatever is happening in the country,” she wrote in “Part of My Soul Went With Him,” a memoir published in 1984 and printed around the world. “I am a living symbol of the white man’s fear. I never realized how deeply embedded this fear is until I came to Brandfort.”

Contrary to the authorities’ intentions, her cramped home became a place of pilgrimage for diplomats and prominent sympathizers, as well as foreign journalists seeking interviews.

Ms. Madikizela-Mandela cherished conversation with outsiders and word of the world beyond her confines. She scorned many of her restrictions, using whites-only public phones and ignoring the segregated counters at the local liquor store when she ordered Champagne — gestures that stunned the area’s whites.

Banishment Took Toll

Still, Ms. Madikizela-Mandela’s exclusion from what passed as a normal life in South Africa took a toll, and she began to drink heavily. During her banishment, moreover, her land changed. Beginning in late 1984, young protesters challenged the authorities with increasing audacity. The unrest spread, prompting the white rulers to acknowledge what they called a “revolutionary climate” and declare a state of emergency.

When Ms. Madikizela-Mandela returned to her home in Soweto in 1985, breaking her banning orders, it was as a far more bellicose figure, determined to assume leadership of what became the decisive and most violent phase of the struggle. As she saw it, her role was to stiffen the confrontation with the authorities.

The tactics were harsh.

“Together, hand in hand, with our boxes of matches and our necklaces, we will liberate this country,” she told a rally in April 1986. She was referring to “necklacing,” a form of sometimes arbitrary execution by fire using a gas-soaked tire around a supposed traitor’s neck, and it shocked an older generation of anti-apartheid campaigners. But her severity aligned her with the young township radicals who enforced commitment to the struggle.

In the late 1980s, Ms. Madikizela-Mandela allowed the outbuildings around her residence in Soweto to be used by the so-called Mandela United Football Club, a vigilante gang that claimed to be her bodyguard. It terrorized Soweto, inviting infamy and prosecution.

In 1991 she was convicted of ordering the 1988 kidnapping of four youths in Soweto. The body of one, a 14-year-old named James Moeketsi Seipei — nicknamed Stompie, a slang word for a cigarette butt, reflecting his diminutive stature — was found with his throat cut.

Ms. Madikizela-Mandela’s chief bodyguard was convicted of murder. She was sentenced to six years for kidnapping, but South Africa’s highest appeals court reduced her punishment to fines and a suspended one-year term.

By then her life had begun to unravel. The United Democratic Front, an umbrella group of organizations fighting apartheid and linked to the A.N.C., expelled her. In April 1992, Mr. Mandela, midway through settlement talks with President F. W. de Klerk of South Africa, announced that he and his wife were separating. (She dismissed suggestions that she had wanted to be known by the title “first lady.” “I am not the sort of person to carry beautiful flowers and be an ornament to everyone,” she said.)

Two years later, Mr. Mandela was elected president and offered her a minor job as the deputy minister of arts, culture, science and technology. But after allegations of influence peddling, bribetaking and misuse of government funds, she was forced from office. In 1996, Mr. Mandela ended their 38-year marriage, testifying in court that his wife was having an affair with a colleague.

Only in 1997, at the behest of Archbishop Desmond M. Tutu at South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission, did Ms. Madikizela-Mandela offer an apology for the events of the late 1980s. “Things went horribly wrong,” she said, adding, “For that I am deeply sorry.”

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Ms. Madikizela-Mandela at a 2009 gathering to honour her former husband, who died four years later.                    Credit Alexander Joe/Agence France-Presse                          — Getty Images

Yet the catalog of missteps continued, cast into sharp relief by her haughty dismissiveness toward her accusers. In 2003 she was convicted of using her position as president of the A.N.C. Women’s League to obtain fraudulent loans; she was sentenced to five years in prison. But her sentence was again suspended on appeal, with a judge finding that she had not gained personally from the transactions.

To the end, Ms. Madikizela-Mandela remained a polarizing figure in South Africa, admired by loyalists who were prepared to focus on her contribution to ending apartheid, vilified by critics who foremost saw her flaws. Few could ignore her unsettling contradictions, however.

“While there is something of a historical revisionism happening in some quarters of our nation these days that brands Nelson Mandela’s second wife a revolutionary and heroic figure,” the columnist Verashni Pillay wrote in the South African newspaper The Mail and Guardian, “it doesn’t take that much digging to remember the truly awful things she has been responsible for.”

Christian Conflict Management 101

Easter

To be able to live peacefully in any environment, we need to understand the fact that; Conflicts are inevitable and might not be totally avoidable. Regardless of our nature and personality traits, we tend to have issues with other people. Dealing with conflict isn’t easy; natural order of things has made scarcity of resources and time major challenges to humanity. As a leader, as a human being, you can be sure that you’ll face relational conflicts. No leadership model exists that will totally eliminate disagreements or clashes of personality. In fact, the tension that comes from conflict can be healthy and beneficial to growth if dealt with correctly. Life’s most important question isn’t “Will I face conflicts?” but “How can I best manage conflicts when they arise?”

The only Christ supported key to dealing with conflict is to follow God’s word and respond obediently and these are:

Eliminate Need to Retaliate: Understanding the others are important in handling conflicts. We need to listen more and be attentive to the inner pains being expressed by the others always. As Christians we should always learn to emphasize through active listening. Don’t totally avoid discussions. Don’t ignore underlining concern and covert interests that are instrumental to position of the other parties. Ignore the; insults, accusations and curses, they are all expressions of hurt. Emotions cannot be controlled by many people during quarrels, look beyond the tones, the pains and frustrations, concentrate on the issues at all time. Conflicts challenge our unity as a body of Christ. Our unity always poses a threat to the devil that will use every opportunity to take advantage of unresolved issues, especially those involving anger, bitterness, self-pity, and envy to bring us down (see Prov. 26:20)

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from us, along with all malice” (Ephesians 4:31). Conflict remains one major challenge to our prayers to the Lord. Jesus insisted that we love our neighbours as ourselves and that we should always promptly settle all quarrels with our brothers before coming for prayers (John 13:34: Romans 12:10). He specifically taught us to always express undying love to one another and tries to live in peace and harmony with our neighbours and brothers (Romans 15:5). Jesus commanded Christians to ensue: patience, kindness and tenderness of heart in dealing with each other always (1 Corinthians 13:4)

Discuss issues as they arise and acknowledge the other’s emotions: Jesus enjoined us to settle our differences among ourselves (2 Corinthians 13:11). Jesus was direct in His instructions about transgressions between brothers. “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him” (Luke 17:3-4). Christians should learn the spirit of Jesus and the most essential part of conflict resolution process are; understanding the feelings of others and forgiving them.

We are taught to be long-suffering and tenderhearted toward one another. Good Christians will always consider others feelings and pains before theirs at all times (Philippians 2:3). We are to refrain from pre-judging issues and listen carefully to issues before we comment. In quarrels we should look beyond the explicit to the covert innuendoes in all statements. Interests determine people’s positions and as Christians we should always be conscious not to be selfish and over bearing in our attitude. Saint Paul admonishes us to always “do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2:3–4).

Manage Emotions:

Uncontrolled emotional outbursts are the reasons for most arguments turning violent. We should always learn to appreciate the others standpoint and appreciates their emotions. Be emphatic at all times; listen attentively to what the others are saying. Never presuppose anything. Learn to be patient and see beyond the hurt and thoughtless argument of the other. Try walking away from argument when emotions can’t be controlled. We should always be the barometers of arguments, when it gets too hot to be reasonable walking away is a great option. We might not be able to solve any issue when tempers are flaring, hence when we are reaching our breaking point, please endeavours to move away for sometime for temper to cool down.

We are supposed to be strong and be the pillar for our friends and rejoice in finding solution to issues (Ephesians 4:2; 1 Corinthians 13:6). Always understand the role of emotion and ego in conflicts, as Christians; we should never aim at hurting others back, because of what they said during a quarrel. Learn to be more understanding and see beyond the hurt and thoughtlessness in other’s speech. Walk away, cool down and look for another way of addressing issues and not emotion later in a more mutually beneficial and rational way later (Coll. 3:120

Learn how to apologise:

 As peacemaker and Christian, we should learn how to diffuse tension with golden statements like ‘I am so sorry dear” “Please forgive me, if I in any way hurt you” even when you are not wrong! Disarm violent response with positive statements. Look beyond the hurt intended by the speech, learn to see the underlining tone and deal with issues while ignoring their position. Always be careful to craft your response at all time. Avoid deteriorating already fry nerves by saying the wrong things. Be smart to always ignore areas of disagreements and concentrate on points of agreements. This reduces argument from start and encourages better concentration by the other parties. You don’t drop a fish suddenly in a new tank; you do it slowly and gently. Arguments are not for winning; it’s about smoothing patches and designing better relationships. Hence you don’t throw cautions to the wind and attack the other parties relentlessly with violent words (Prov. 6:3; Coll. 3:13; Prov. 12:20).

Learn how to elicit underlining interests.

Clarify issues by asking open-ended questions thereby slowing down argument. These allow your opponent to pause and think out a response. People plan quarrel out in their minds before meeting the other parties. You should always throw a spanner in their meticulous plans by asking pertinent and clarifying questions such as:

  • “Please tell me, why is this so important to you..”?
  • “If I can understand you and rephrase that statement, what you are trying to say is that you are not being appreciated for all your hard works here, right”?
  • “Please tell me again, why is this so important right now”?
  • “Thanks for your complete honesty with me, but what do you think we can do right now, please”?

Always refrain from shouting and striking the others. Learn not to use words that can be deemed insulting, sarcastic and demeaning to others during quarrels. Abstain from raising your hand to strike others when temper flares. It’s barbaric and termed childish in all culture. Never use final words that leave your opponents with no choices. Statements like “ If you walk out, don’t ever come back here again”, “You are a bastard if you don’t do it” “Strike me if you are a man” “I hate you”. Reconciliations are made difficult by words spoken during quarrels. Many could forget the source of the quarrel, but what you say during the quarrel is etched in memories forever. You can’t unsay words, so be careful what you say during conflicts. Quarrels are to rework relationship processes not to end it. We lose great friends by being too excited and not watching our utterances.