When a Boyfriend Joins the Marriage

relationship

MODERN LOVE

They agreed she could have sex on the side as long as he didn’t have to know about it. Then she fell in love.

Credit Brian Rea


By Sherry Richert Belul

They started this job more than a year ago. Most homeowners would be annoyed at how long it’s taking. I’m not. They’re building it for free. They’re building it for me.

I bring them water. I kiss one good night but not the other. One is my boyfriend of 10 years. The other is my husband. My husband and I actually consider ourselves exes, but we never divorced. We still love each other, just not romantically. We have lived together all these years under the same roof, although not the same bedroom.

What happened was this: 15 years ago, I woke up in the night, nudged him awake and said, “I need your permission to have an affair.” 


Our then 2-year-old son had just left the family bed. My husband and I were alone again with a gaping hole where passion should be. We had tried to bring it back through counseling, sex therapy and lingerie. I needed the dance of knee against knee under the table. I needed an unabashed, open-mouthed kiss. So we came to an agreement.

I don’t want to know,” he said. “Don’t bring it home.”

This went on for several years. I met men at hotels and at their homes in the hills.

Then, I met a new guy at a bar in the Mission District, the perfect place to meet before a one-night stand. Except I fell for him the moment he handed me a red Gerber daisy. I fell for the small gap between his teeth. I touched his hand by feigning interest in the ring he had made from a bicycle spoke. We loved the same obscure music.

Days later, he waltzed with me on Berkeley Pier, my gloves arranged in his breast pocket like a kerchief. He created a rabbit out of a squeegee and a towel and made me laugh at its antics.

The afternoon I chose to tell my husband, light streamed into our yellow kitchen. Our son was in his room, playing with Hogwarts toys.

“This wasn’t our agreement,” he said. We discussed it calmly. One of us mentioned divorce. One of us said, “Should we move apart?” Then it was silent again.

I was a child of divorce. When I came home from school, the house was empty. My mother worked an hour away and didn’t get home until after 6.

I saw my father on Sundays, sometimes. He would take us to car shows or to buy fish for our aquarium. I don’t think he ever wanted children. He wasn’t interested in talking to me about books or cheerleading. He once jokingly tossed me over the side of a boat, saying, “That’s how you learn to swim!”

My siblings were wild, sneaking out to parties in the woods. I grew up mostly alone. I dreamed of having a family to travel with or joke together over dinner.

I had this now. We made Lego villages, played music, sang out of tune. We stopped for smiley-face pancakes when we drove to San Diego to see my in-laws. We took up a whole row on the airplane, creating our own happy world of snacks, cartoons and surprises for our son.

I couldn’t imagine not waking up in the house with my child, having to drop him off at his father’s house, not kissing his sleepy cheeks every night.

I wanted my family. And I wanted my boyfriend.

When I suggested we could be roommates, my husband agreed. I clung to the idea like a life raft.

We ordered another bed and turned my husband’s office into a second bedroom. I didn’t know if it was possible to create a new kind of family, but like a child who pushes against the boundaries of her parents’ rigid rules, I wanted to find out.

Months later, I said, “I want to introduce him to our son.”

“If you bring someone else in,” my husband said, “we need to move apart. I don’t want to meet him.”

Weeks passed. Then my husband said, “Wild Side West. 5:30. Wednesday night.”

I don’t remember if I drove to that meeting with my husband or my boyfriend. I do remember sitting in the beer garden with sweat on my forehead.

We sat in a little triangle, my husband sitting stiffly and my boyfriend leaning back as if to give us more room. I perched on a rickety stool. We could have been in a lawyer’s office, drawing up papers.

The moment was about a child. The conversation was about who we are to this boy. Who will we be to him and to each other? How do we trust?

We set a meeting for the playground the following week. We three adults had planned it out carefully. My son and I would be playing on the monkey bars. My boyfriend would show up and I would introduce him as my friend.

When he arrived, he was carrying an old radio and some tools. He had remembered from our conversations that my son loved to disassemble electronics.

My boyfriend juggled two screwdrivers and a wrench and made my son laugh. He smiled and said, “Hey buddy, want to take this thing apart with me?”

When this began, we still lived in a large apartment in the Mission; there was room for privacy the nights my boyfriend stayed over. It was awkward at first, but as the years passed we spent more time as a foursome — cooking, playing board games.

Twice a year we all traveled to my mother’s house in Ohio, along with my husband’s parents, spending two weeks in a flurry of card games, water balloon fights and lingering meals.

Then the owner of our apartment decided to sell and offered us an enormous sum of money to surrender our rent-controlled lease. In most places, that money could have bought us a house. In the Bay Area, it wasn’t even a down payment. The only place we could afford was half the size of our apartment. There wouldn’t be room for home offices, most of our furniture or my boyfriend.

At the new house, my beau built a platform so I could store the mattress beneath a raised office, but it never felt right. It wasn’t sexy to sleep with him under piles of papers and the glow of the computer screen saver.

One day when he and I were lying in the trundle bed staring up at a jumble of cords, he said, “Let’s talk about building you a studio.” But I didn’t have the money.

“We could scavenge what we need,” he said. “If we start by building a foundation, maybe it will come together even if we don’t see how it can work.”

The backyard was a mess of dirt, broken bottles and rusty metal when he began digging. He patiently began clearing it out. One day my husband donned work gloves and jumped in, too. When we ran out of scavenged materials, my husband generously purchased supplies.

Months of Sundays passed to the synchronized beat of hammers and the sound of music and laughter as the framing was built. My husband taught me how to use the nail gun. My boyfriend took pictures as I nailed on the avocado-green siding. There’s a selfie of the three of us grinning from behind our dust masks, covered with flecks of fiberglass on the day we stuffed insulation into the walls.

Those two men painstakingly installed layers of drywall, reaching their long arms to the ceiling over and over. Before they hung the last piece, I hid gold dollar coins inside next to the studs and a photo of three generations of people who are related in ways there aren’t words for.

They left the beautiful thick beam in the ceiling exposed. After you walk into the studio and admire the golden light and the warm oak floors, that exposed beam catches your eye. It’s the through line, reminding me of our love for our son.

We wanted this child to grow up in a happy household. That beam was strong enough to convince us all to hold onto the vision. It’s like a dream I have had countless times in which I discover a room in my house that I didn’t know was there.

That’s our life now. We are building a family without a blueprint.

The New York Times    

Sherry Richert Belul, who lives in San Francisco, is the author of “Say it Now: 33 Creative Ways to Say I Love You to the Most Important People in Your Life,” due out in May.

Modern Love can be reached at modernlove@nytimes.com.


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Colchester boy, 8, steers car to safety after mum has seizure

Celebrity Gists, Facts, personality, relationship
Lauren Smith and Ben Hedger
Ben Hedger steered his mum Lauren Smith’s car to safety after she had a seizure

An eight-year-old boy took control of a car at 60mph and steered it to safety across a busy dual carriageway when his mother blacked out at the wheel.

Ben Hedger was on his way home from school with mum Lauren Smith when she had a seizure on the A120 near Colchester, in Essex.

The Ford Ka hit the central reservation and realising the danger, Ben put on the hazard lights and guided the vehicle across the lanes to the hard shoulder.

His mum said she was “so proud”.

Miss Smith, 27, who lives in Colchester, lost consciousness at about 15.45 GMT on Monday.

“When I started having the seizure at first I grabbed the wheel and was steering erratically so because of that we moved from the left lane into the central reservation and crashed into that,” she said.

“We were scraping along and that is when Ben realised he needed to do something.

“He put the hazards on, grabbed the steering wheel and steered us to the hard shoulder where we continued along until the car stalled.”

Miss Smith said Ben had not realised how serious his actions had been.

“He realised something was wrong with me but he didn’t realise he had done this amazing thing.

“He said he just did what he had to do otherwise we would have died.”

After pulling the car over, Ben tried to use his mother’s phone to call the emergency services before another car stopped and helped them.

Miss Smith, who came around after five to 10 minutes, said she had never had a seizure before and had to be told about what had happened by Ben, the emergency services and a fellow driver.

Kevin Hart says he won’t host Oscars after furor over homophobic tweets

Entertainment, movies, Music, personality, relationship, song

By Madeline Holcombe and Joe Sutton, CNN

Kevin Hart photographed for Variety by Pamela Littky on April 25, 2017 in LA, CA. *Grooming: John Clausell; Wardrobe: Ashley North: Shirt: Neil Barrett; Pants: Acne

(CNN) Kevin Hart is stepping down from hosting the Oscars after homophobic tweets surfaced on Thursday.The tweets, between 2009 and 2011, included derogatory language referring to gay people and made disparaging comments about sexuality. Some of the tweets have since been deleted.One of the tweets from 2011, that has since been deleted, said

“Yo if my son comes home & try’s 2 play with my daughters doll house I’m going 2 break it over his head & say n my voice ‘stop that’s gay’.””I have made the choice to step down from hosting this year’s Oscar’s,” Hart, who is currently performing in Sydney, Australia, said via Twitter. “This is because I do not want to be a distraction on a night that should be celebrated by so many amazing talented artists. I sincerely apologize to the LGBTQ community for my insensitive words from my past. I’m sorry that I hurt people… I am evolving and want to continue to do so.

My goal is to bring people together not tear us apart. Much love & appreciation to the Academy. I hope we can meet again.”Content by Prime VideoBeing Funny Is A Woman’s BusinessTo promote the return of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel on Amazon Prime, we take a look at what it means to be a contemporary woman in comedy.Hart announced on his official Instagram page that he would host the Academy Awards for the first time in the coming year.”For years I have been asked if I would ever host the Oscars and my answer was always the same…I said that it would be the opportunity of a lifetime for me as a comedian and that it will happen when it’s suppose to,” he wrote when he announced the news on Tuesday.In another Instagram post on Thursday, Hart said the Academy asked him to apologize or they would find another host.

Hart said he chose not to issue the apology and step down instead, saying he did not want to contribute to “feeding the internet trolls.””The reason why I passed is because I’ve addressed this several times,” Hart said. “I’m not going to continue to go back and tap into the days of old when I’ve moved on and I’m in a completely different space in my life.”Chad Griffin, the head of an LGBT civil rights advocacy group called the Human Rights Campaign, responded to Hart on Twitter.”You have a rare opportunity to take responsibility, teach people in this moment, & send a message to LGBTQ youth that they matter & deserve dignity & respect. You say you’ve grown. Show us. Make amends for hurtful things you’ve said & affirm LGBTQ people,” Griffin said.

CNN has reached out to Hart’s team and the Academy for a response.

Of Buhari, Tinubu, Macbeth and Odu Isa

2019 Elections, Africa, APC, Corruption, economy, Facts, Nigeria, PDP, PMB, Politics, Power, relationship

Of Buhari, Tinubu, Macbeth and Odu Isa.

“Owe ni Ifa npa, Omoran ni imo” Ifa’s revelation is always in parables; only the wise can understand their meanings.

In his analysis of the Shakespearean Tragedy “Macbeth” Michael Stratford argues that the essence of human pride was covered in three dimensions by this work. He asserted in supports of the works of Majorie Garber on the play which concluded that Macbeth’s confrontation with morality at the end of the play portrayed “real recovery” and completed the depiction of the phases of pride in men. He went further to outline these stages as: The hubris that hurls a man into sin and error, the false pride that secure and justifies all and perpetuates us in evil acts, and the final realization of our immortality and futility of all things.

The play Macbeth has been analyzed by many due to its relevance in everyday human progression. Macbeth was a young and virile soldier honored for his love of Scotland and bravery at war by King Duncan. He was at the zenith of his profession as a soldier and revered titled gentleman in Scotland when the story started. A chance meeting with the “three witches”, their predictions of Macbeth as the King of Scotland, transported this gentleman into a murderer and usurper and finally his death.Given the level of public exposure to education and the current public discourse about the ruler of Nigeria which pulls towards lack of proper formal education, maybe this narrative could be brought home more.

Curiosity recently made me look into the Ifa esoteric and cosmogony and I was amazed at the level of sophistication of the Odu Ifa in explaining and predicting main pattern of human conscious, and unconscious acts; going even further to reveal the purpose and destinies of humans on earth. I was further impressed by the manner with which knowledge and wisdom for managing pride and power were expressively itemized thorough the use of parables.For noninitiates, the Ifa divinity comprises of sixteen major quadrant of ancient Yoruba Ifa cult, which was subdivided into 256 distinct sub-heads detailing all areas of human: wisdom for proper interrelations, truth and moralities, science, cosmology, metaphysics, medicine and other established norms of the Yoruba People of Southwest Nigeria as established by Orunmila. Orunmila the first Ifa priest was reputed to have started the accumulation of this knowledge base, handing it over to his sixteen children, who continued to practice and develop the Ifa practice.

In Odi Isa, amongst the Odu Ifa, Orunmila tried to balance power and pride; where he depicts the travail of the Tiger, the king of the jungle when the entire animal challenged him to battle. The tiger despite his acclaimed overwhelming power, applied wisdom and appealed to the elders for help. The elders asked the Tiger to perform a sacrifice and in respect to the words of the elders, the Tiger performed all necessary rites. And to this day, no animal was able to conquer the tiger.

Tiger’s powerful could have stupidly against public opinion challenged the whole animal kingdom. which will then overrun him and take over his kingdom. When faced with adversities, he went begging the elders for advice. Instead of ruin and death as in Macbeth case, the tiger excel and its kingdom expanded.

Many writers in the pre-2015 era had lauded the achievements of the new progressives led by General Mohamadu Buhari and Senator Bola Ahmed Tinubu. The duo in conjunction with other heavy weights in Nigerian politics had performed the first presidential election upset in Nigerian history; the defeat of a sitting president in a general election. The global press was agog in the spirit of the wave of change coming to Nigeria politics.

The emergence of Buhari as the new government leader was heralded as a milestone in Nigerian political arena. Given the sixteen years politicking before his emergence as the president, people were thoroughly misled that the “Buhari presidential dream” was driven by passionate goals for real change. When the new government started showing signs of unpreparedness to rule and obvious lack of cohesion were being revealed, the Nigerian people still believed and attributed it to huge challenges emanating from long period of institutionalized corruption by previous governments. Nigerian new government was later revealed to have been distracted by huge amount of propaganda, vain retribution, illegal and unnecessary arrests and prosecutions in its first year in power.

Apparently, governance and economy finally start to show negative growth. Before the end of the second year, the country which was reputed as one of the ten growing global economies was in recession. Economic indicator aside, the failing security architecture has been witnessed in all theaters of operation. Conflict escalations in most areas were being witnessed. Internally Displaced Persons (IDP) continued to rise as conflicts engulfs the state. Youth and elites migration have more than doubled within three years, and statistics on youth unemployment is reading above one third of population. The national currency’s value in international trade fell by over 200 percent in the first year of this government and it took direct intervention of the Central Bank of Nigeria to shore up the Naira to its current 360 to one dollar status.

Failed economy, repetitive conflicts, insurrections, low school attendance, thriving illicit economies, and high youth emigration, according to Mary Kaldor are signs of failing states. The constant stay outside the country by the president was a minor issue until the whole world was treated to the caricature of Nigerian President’s show of shame in faraway Poland on the Saturday Night Show recently. The lack of grace and charisma that goes with the esteemed office of the president of Federal Republic of Nigeria, the representative of over 200millon people and one of the fastest growing states globally by this current president reflects his depth of understanding of the power and privilege of Nigeria in global politics.

Tinubu’s rise to stardom in Nigerian politics was midwifed by the NADECO movement against military rule in the late eighties and early nineties. The movement which led to the emergence of this ongoing republic equally blessed BAT with the governorship of the most priced state in Nigeria, Lagos. Lagos represents the hub of commerce and economy of Nigeria. Nigerian position as a giant in Africa business resides in the economic performance of Lagos State. Eight years of his direct rule, twelve years of his protégés ruling, characterized by unashamed plundering of Lagos state’s resources has created a new Bola Ahmed Tinubu. The Czar of Southwest Nigeria was born. By 2014, Tinubu had in his control a war-chest big enough to start and prosecute any political war in Nigeria against any opposition.

When Tinubu pitched his tent against President Goodluck Jonathan, midwifed a coalition of parties to form All Peoples’ Congress (APC) in supports of Buhari, the die was cast. Tinubu’s prowess and political machinery was founded on the Lagos State dynasty. This base he has always controlled since 1999. Experts have posited that the loss of Lagos by the Tinubu gang will surely sound the kernel of his political demise. Recent happenings have shown the arrival of the new Tinubu. Four month to general elections, Tinubu unilaterally influenced the removal of the name of the incumbent governor of Lagos State from the ballot and imposed a new man as the party representative. A move that has been reported irked many locals and party faithful.

Obviously, Tinubu’s power as sole godfather and power broker in Lagos politics is on test as 2019 February elections looms. Buhari’s reign and reelections as president is being supported by the Tinubu’s camp. The alliance many agreed was based on the pact to return Tinubu as president in 2023. This ambition has fueled the unalloyed support from Lagos APC for Buhari’s return. It’s a big gamble on the path of Tinubu and Buhari. Like the proverbial fly, Buhari has tasted the wine and is ready and willing to die in the same cup of wine.

Tinubu’s ambition also has turned him to the fly that refused to heed the warnings of the elders and has decided to follow the corpse into the earth. Ambition is necessary to achieve and progress in life, yet ambitions should be ethically based, no normal leader will continue to aspire to hold and office in which he does not have capacity for managing, and no normal human being will sacrifice the future of his people, merely for his own selfish ambition.

Ambition contaminated by acute pride surely begets disaster. Macbeth ambition was fueled by greed and selfish ambition to rule Scotland, never because he was a pushed by a need to work a better society for his people. His endgame led to war and carnage pushing Scotland which was growing as a nation into complete recession and pillage by ravaging armies. Equally, the Tiger would have resorted to use of might against his enemies as he was in power, but wisdom led him to the elders. Tinubu and Buhari have achieved the impossible in Nigerian politics; the time has come for them both to respect the people and leave the scene. Unrestrained pride and ambition, the elders says always lead to death and destructions.

Don Michael Adeniji                                                                                          Director, African Initiative for Peace and Human Development, Abuja Chicago Illinois. December, 2018

Fabregas Weds ‘Woman Of His Dreams’

News, relationship, sports

By  Emmanuel Egobiambu

Fabregas Weds 'Woman Of His Dreams'
Daniella Semaan weds fabregas/Instagram

Chelsea midfielder Cesc Fabregas has wedded his longtime girlfriend and mother of his three children Daniella Semaan.

Fabregas posted pictures of the wedding on his Instagram page with the former Arsenal man wearing a black tuxedo and guiding his bride through an arch of white flowers at Cliveden House in Berkshire.

Semaan – the new Mrs Fabregas – looks stunning in a shoulder-less white wedding gown with silver jewellery in her hair and around her neck.

“Just married to this handsome man that I adore,” Semaan wrote after marrying the man she has been in a relationship with since 2011.

See more photos of the wedding below:

Source/Instagram
Source/Instagram
Source/Instagram

Do You Have These 6 ‘Mindful’ Skills? Or Are You Distracted?

News, relationship

Information is abundant. The proper application of information (i.e., wisdom and understanding) is scarce.

The following skills are essential to quickly filtering through the endless universes of information, choices, and distractions that now lay before us in a digital and global world.

  • Mindfulness — the awareness of CONTEXT and of changes within that context (patterns, themes, connections, predictions).
  • Discernment — the ability to recognize and anticipate the consequences of the patterns around you — and to know WHAT TO DO as a result.
  • Action — the common and outdated view that beliefs determine behavior is wrong — rather, it is your behavior that shapes your beliefs, personality, and identity. Having a bias for action and immediate implementation is how rapid learning occurs. Experiential learning is far more powerful than gathering information. Experience is emotional — and emotion, not rationality, is what changes mindsets and behaviors.
  • Expectancy — according to the “Expectancy Theory of Motivation,” three things must occur for a person to have high motivation for achieving their goals. You must believe you can do what it takes to achieve your goal. You must believe that you know how to achieve it (you have the proper methods). Finally, you must believe that the rewards of the particular goal are personally meaningful. Another word for expectancy is faith — the belief in your ability to seize or create a future outcome.
  • Feedback — failure is feedback. You shouldn’t and can’t avoid feedback if you want to learn. When you have “transformational learning experiences,” your worldview is disrupted. You replace old ways of seeing with new and better ways. The faster and more consequential the feedback you get, the more in flow you will be.
  • Adaptability — according to Charles Darwin, it’s not the smartest or the strongest that survive, but the most adaptable to change. Most people believe that children are more adaptive than adults. Children, after all, can learn multiple languages at one time, if given the opportunity. Adults seem to become more rigid and less adaptive. Or so the thinking goes. The truth — children have more to adapt to. They’re required to learn and figure stuff out in order to survive in society. As you grow older, you have less to learn in order to survive in society and to meet the expectations of the norms around you. Yet, if you were to continually put yourself into higher and more demanding situations, you could adapt. You could adapt faster, actually, than children, because you already have so many deep and powerful connections made. The key, is being willing to let go of the models which are no longer effective at the higher stages of adaptability. If you want to adjust to new norms, you’ll have to adapt to them. And you can.

The remainder of this article is a brief dive into how to master these six keystone skills.

The “keystone” is the center stone in an arch which holds the rest of the structure together. Without the keystone, everything falls apart. In the book,THE POWER OF HABIT, author Charles Duhigg explains that “keystone habits” lead to the development of multiple good habits. They start a chain effect in your life that produces a number of positive outcomes.

Keystone skills, similarly, are those half dozen skills which facilitate the development of other skills. They are foundational to living a life in alignment, to having confidence and clarity, and to becoming a powerful learner and leader.

If you develop these six skills to mastery, there is little you won’t be able to do and become in your life.

  • You’ll be able to quickly discover the signal in the massive sea of noise.
  • You’ll make powerful, intuitive, and quick decisions.
  • You’ll take immediate action on the most important and relevant information.
  • You’ll expect the best outcomes to occur — which will create self-fulfilling prophecies.
  • You’ll get immediate and consequential feedback to what you’re doing — which will keep you humble and engaged.
  • You’ll adapt immediately based on the feedback you get, which will keep you adjusting and improving what you’re doing and how you’re doing it.

How To Develop Mindfulness

“The hefty price for accepting information uncritically is that we go through life unaware that what we’ve accepted as impossible may in fact be quite possible.” — Ellen Langer

In her important book, MINDFULNESS, Harvard psychologist, Ellen Langer, explains that mindfulness has two components:

  • Awareness of context — of what is around you
  • Awareness of change within your context — patterns, changes, connections, predictions

In our individualistic culture, we have a hard time being mindful. We have a hard time recognizing the power of surroundings and situations.

This is a big problem because we, as people, are shaped by what is outside of us. We like to believe we are the masters of our fate. But our situation and environment are far more powerful. As Dr. Mashall Goldsmith has said, “If we do not create and control our environment, our environment creates and controls us.”

Once this realization takes hold, you become far more aware of what (and WHO) is around you.

You become more sensitive to the energetic effects of people, places, and things. This heightened sensitivity is mindfulness. Because not only do you notice how your surroundings influence your body, mind, and emotions — but you notice shifts in your surroundings. Not just from one situation to another, but the broader world as a whole.

You notice patterns and changes in society and how most people operate. You see things before most people do, because as Ellen Langer explains, most people mindlessly and reactively walk through life.

They are unaware just how much their environment is shaping them. They are unconsciously becoming something they wouldn’t want to be.

Thus, the benefits of mindfulness are:

  • You can make powerful decisions about outside influences that shape your behavior and identity
  • You can predict where you as a person, and society as a whole, is going

How To Develop Discernment

“Being quick to observe is an antecedent to and is linked with the spiritual gift of discernment. And for you and for me, discernment is a light of protection and direction in a world that grows increasingly dark.” — David Bednar

Being mindful is all about OBSERVING what is around you. It’s about noticing subtle cues, and about thinking critically about what you’re noticing.

Discernment means you’re aware of the IMPLICATIONS of what you’re observing. It means you can PREDICT where certain behaviors, actions, ideas, and environments will take you.

When you development discernment, you can make powerful choices, because you have both information and intuition. You can’t have discernment without first observing and paying attention.

This will require you to become a very, very good listener. To pay attention to what you’re hearing and what you’re seeing. To become a student of life.

Intelligence is the proper application of information and knowledge. Most people are not intelligent because they don’t apply what they learn. They aren’t hyper-critical about what they let influence them. They haven’t developed a framework and set of values for determining what is a waste of time and what isn’t.

Your discernment for people, information, choices, and consequences will continue to develop as you enhance your standards for yourself. Your life is a product of your standards. You get in life what you’re willing to tolerate.

According to the famed Peter Drucker:

“In a few hundred years, when the history of our time will be written from a long-term perspective, it is likely that the most important event historians will see is not technology, not the Internet, not e-commerce. It is an unprecedented change in the human condition. For the first time — literally — substantial and rapidly growing numbers of people have choices. For the first time, they will have to manage themselves. And society is totally unprepared for it.”

People aren’t prepared for the world we now live in because people haven’t developed mindfulness and discernment. As a result, they experience decision overload and decision fatigue — hence willpower is no longer a useful skillset in today’s world. Instead, you need to mindfully create your environment. You need to make one decision that eliminates a thousand decisions. You need to continually hold yourself and those around you to a higher standard.

How To Take Positive Action

“A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.” — Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Dallin Oaks once said, “We should be careful not to exhaust our available time on things that are merely good and leave little time for that which is better or best.” Your life and who you become is entirely shaped by the quality of your decision making.

  • Your behavior shapes your identity and personality. You are what you DO.
  • If you have five minutes, how are you going to use that time?
  • If you have two hours, how are you going to use that time?
  • If you have five books to choose from, which book will you choose?
  • If you have five friends who you will become the average of, which five friends will you choose?

Your answer to everyone one of those questions determines the person you will become, the life you will live, the happiness you have, etc.

If you aren’t mindful and discerning, you won’t make powerful decisions. However, it all starts with one simple decision to act powerfully. According to research by Stanford psychologist, BJ FOGG, small wins create enormous ripples of confidence.

Confidence is a byproduct of positive action.

Inspiration and creativity are byproducts of positive action.

Your beliefs indeed influence your behavior. However, your behavior far more profoundly influences your beliefs. When you behave a certain way, your beliefs about that thing change.

If you start making even small progress toward a goal, you’ll begin to believe you can make more progress. If you act poorly, your beliefs about yourself will become negative.

Your personality isn’t what shapes your behavior. Instead, your behavior shapes your personality.

Personality is a byproduct of choice — although for most people that choosing was made unconsciously, reactively, and mindlessly. Most people are the negative product of an undisciplined and unintentionally-designed environment.

Your personality is the momentum and pattern of prior decisions. Although it may seem like “you,” it is not. Only the present and past version of you. If you change your behaviors and environment, you will change yourself.

As you become more mindful and discerning by making positive actions, your beliefs, behaviors, and personality will change.

You absolutely can get to the point where you proactively and consciously transform yourself. You can go from introvert to extrovert. From shy to incredibly articulate. From dull to creative.

Do most people make such profound change? Of course not. They’re not required to. They’re not demanded to. They don’t expect to. They don’t feel the fear and do it anyways. They don’t create powerfully emotional experiences that disrupt their core — allowing them to see and act differently than was their past.

Learning can be defined as making a PERMANENT change in your cognition and or behavior. It’s not LEARNING if it doesn’t lead to a change in how you see and live in the world. Gather information is not learning. Doing the same thing over and over and over isn’t learning. You must have emotional and transformational experiences that change how you operate and see the world. You must grow in understanding and INTELLIGENCE.

How To Develop Profound Expectancy

“You cannot expect to achieve new goals or move beyond your present circumstances unless you change.” — Les Brown

According to psychology’s Hope Theory, hope reflects your perceptions regarding your capacity to:

  • clearly conceptualize goals
  • develop the specific strategies to reach those goals (i.e., pathways thinking)
  • initiate and sustain the motivation for using those strategies (i.e., agency thinking)

Ideas are cheap. Creating plans and executing those plans is rare.

Very few people implement what they learn. You can read hundreds of books, attend seminars, and get expensive coaching — but none of that will matter if you don’t put any of the ideas into practice.

We live in an information world. People’s heads are full of information. It’s never been easier to access. Yet, few people’s lives make dramatic transformation because few people discern which information is crucial, develop plans for executing that information, and immediately applying that 80/20.

As you begin acting toward your goals and getting small wins, your confidence will increase. You can’t have confidence without positive and goal-consistent behavior.

Eventually, and rather quickly, you can develop “expectancy” that your goals will happen. This “expectancy” can become a resolve and deep commitment — where you know before the fact that what you want, you will get. Napoleon Hill explained it this way: Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.

Knowing something and BELIEVING it are two very different things. Believing in something takes a willingness of the heart.

Many people know what they should do, but they don’t believe it enough to actually do it. They don’t truly believe in themselves and their ability to change. Their lack of belief stops them from taking the needed actions to create that change. Instead, they become cynical or justifying.

How To Set Your Life Up For Immediate And Consequential Feedback

“This automatic feedback is another reason extreme athletes have found flow so frequently, but what if we’re interested in pulling this trigger without help from the laws of physics? No mystery here. Tighten feedback loops. Put mechanisms in place so attention doesn’t have to wander. Ask for more input. How much input? Well, forget quarterly reviews. Think daily reviews. Studies have found that in professions with less direct feedback loops — stock analysis, psychiatry, and medicine — even the best get worse over time.” — Steven Kotler

Feedback is how you change your mind. Feedback is how you change your behavior. Feedback is how you get into flow.

The more your life provides immediate feedback for your behavior, the faster you’ll learn. If your behavior isn’t consequential, you’ll continue negative patterns.

When you take bold actions, you get feedback much quicker. For example, when you share your goals publicly, you get different feedback from when you keep them private. When you invest a large percentage of your money into your values and goals, you’re far more accountable to those goals. Failure means a lot more.

Necessity is the mother of invention. The more your environment and situation demands you to perform, the more you’ll rise to the occasion. Psychologists call this the “pygmalion effect.”

It’s your responsibility to create an environment that demands you to show up. All you have to do is start acting. Start being more honest. Start seeking more responsibility. Start being more proactive. Powerful actions change situations. Powerful action changes relationships. Powerful action changes your trajectory.

How To Become Adaptive And Fluid

“If something is presented as an accepted truth, alternative ways of thinking do not even come up for consideration.” — Ellen Langer

Children are adaptive because they have to be. They haven’t developed habits of avoiding change. They seek learning and understanding. They are constantly getting feedback from the world around them.

Yet, adults eventually stop adapting as much. Instead, they over-adapt to the environment around them. They stop putting themselves into situations that force them to change. This reflects a lack of mindfulness, action, and confidence.

Once you’ve developed confidence in your ability to learn and adapt — in your ability to mindfully mine and discern new situations and environments — you’ll be far more willing to jump into new and demanding situations. You’ll be willing to fail and be humbled. You’ll seek more feedback.

You’ll act. Because as you act in new a profound ways, you’ll quickly adapt to your new situation and it will become your “new normal.”

Viktor Frankl explained in MAN’S SEARCH FOR MEANING, “Yes, a person can get used to anything, just don’t ask us how.” You can get used to living in a concentration camp. You can get used to living far more powerfully. Whatever is required, you will learn and adapt. Yet, eventually life doesn’t require much but the status-quo for most.

As a super-learner, your job is to take immediate action, get feedback, and adjust to the feedback you get. When you stop adapting to new things, you stop learning. Over-adapting is the path to apathy and boredom.

Find that child inside of you and never stop learning. Kids learn to walk because they have to. They learn math and reading in societies where it’s required. They learn whatever the norms of their environment require them to learn. Once learned, they stop learning as much. Unless they continually change their environment and situation. Hence, when the student is ready, the teacher appears. When the student is truly ready, the teacher disappears.

Lessons are repeated until learned. Most people stop learning their lessons because their situation supports them in their current decision-making. They are justified in what they’re doing. They don’t mindfully see the patterns of their behavior and the behavior of those around them. They don’t develop discernment and immediate implementation. Their personality gets stuck and they thoughtlessly believe they can’t change — that who they are when they were born is who they must be when they die.

Conclusion

Have you developed these six skills?

  • Mindfulness
  • Discernment
  • Action
  • Expectancy
  • Feedback
  • Adaptability

The world is becoming increasingly intrusive. If you don’t learn these skills, you’ll be shaped by an environment that was created for you, not an environment that was created BY you.

If such is the case, you’ll stop developing and over-adapt. You’ll get stuck. But you don’t have to get stuck. You are fluid and adaptive. You’re actually more adaptive than children — if you choose to be. If you’re willing to purge and uproot old patterns and paradigms with new ones.

If you’re willing to change, you can change. But you can’t see yourself in isolation. You are part of the system around you. The change must be holistic.

EXCLUSIVE: ‘Two and a Half Men’ Star Holland Taylor Is Dating ‘American Horror Story’ Actress Sarah Paulson

Celebrity Gists, Entertainment, News, relationship
By

Well here’s an adorable May-December romance you might not have seen coming!

Former Two and a Half Men star Holland Taylor, 72, has been dating 40-year-old actress Sarah Paulson for “a few months,” a source tells ET. Holland recently talked about her sexuality for the first time to public radio station WNYC, and while she declined to name her current partner, she did reveal the significant age gap.

“There’s a very big age difference between us which I’m sure shocks a lot of people, and it startles me,” Taylor said, before joking, “but as they say, ‘If she dies, she dies.'”

WATCH: ‘Two and a Half’ Men Star Holland Taylor Says She’s In a Relationship With a Woman — ‘I Haven’t Come Out Because I Live Out’

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Taylor wouldn’t be the first older woman Paulson has dated. The American Horror Story: Hotel star dated 59-year-old actress Cherry Jones for five years, before splitting in 2009. Paulson talked about her sexuality toPrideSource last month, and stressed that she doesn’t want to be attached to “any kind of label.”

“All I can say is, I’ve done both, and I don’t let either experience define me,” Paulson said. “I don’t let having been with a man make me think I am heterosexual, or make me want to call myself that, because I know I have been attracted to women — and have lived with women. So, for me, I’m not looking to define myself, and I’m sorry if that is something that is seen as a rejection of or an unwillingness to embrace (my sexuality) in a public way, but it’s simply not. It’s simply what’s true for me, and that’s all I can speak to.”

At the November junket for her recently released film Carol, Paulson told ET, “It matters not at all what the gender is. And I think that’s a testament to both the evolution of your own mind and also the reality that when you can see it from that vantage point, it’s very clear that love is love.”

Taylor and Paulson haven’t exactly been low-key about their affection for one another on social media. In November, Taylor tweeted a photo of Paulson wearing a shimmering floor-length gown, writing, “When captions fail…”

When Paulson tweeted to Taylor, “I love your mind,” last month, Taylor responded, “.@MsSarahPaulson I love your appreciation. It’s you with the fine (and beautiful) head…”

Taylor also gushed about her girlfriend in October. “For the record, @MsSarahPaulson is great. Period. The end,” she tweeted.

Paulson appears similarly smitten.
“Hey @HollandTaylor get off Twitter and call me. I mean, JESUS,” she hilariously tweeted in September.

Sarah Paulson

@MsSarahPaulson

Hey @HollandTaylor get off Twitter and call me. I mean, JESUS.

PHOTOS: Celebs Who Have Recently Come Out

And could there be wedding bells in store for the future? Taylor doesn’t rule it out.

“I would not do that publicly,” she told WNYC of the possibility of getting married. “My relationship is with a woman, and I have not — given my generation it would not be something that would automatically occur to me. But she’s mentioned it because just from a spiritual point of view, from a heart point of view … as a deed that has a very rich symbolic gesture to it, it has its attraction.”

Watch below:

RELATED GALLERY

Taraji P. Henson Is Engaged to Kelvin Hayden

Celebrity Gists, Entertainment, relationship
gistreel.com

May 14, 2018 2:58 PM

Taraji P. Henson is going to be a bride!

After quietly dating former football star Kelvin Hayden for more than two years, the NFL pro put a ring on it. The Empire star announced the happy news and showed off her new sparkler early Monday morning.

“I said yes y’all!!! He started with the Cartier love bracelet BUT that was my #Mothersday gift and then he dropped to his knee and I almost passed out!!!” she captioned a shot of her new bling. “#sheisofficiallyoffthemarket and she is sooooooooooooo HAPPY!!!!!! #GODIS.”

The engagement may come as a surprise to some considering the actress has kept their romance out of the spotlight. It wasn’t until late December 2017 that Henson addressed their longtime relationship publicly.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BiwgTbxAKRO/embed/captioned/?cr=1&v=8&wp=436&rd=cdn-af.op-mobile.opera.com#%7B%22ci%22%3A0%2C%22os%22%3A52860.70000000018%7D

“I’m very happy. Everything is coming together,” the star said in an interview on Essence’s podcast “Yes, Girl!.” at the time. “I’m happy in my personal life.”

“I’m not the type to blast my personal business. But, you know, I think that’s important for people to know. I’m happy. I’m very very happy. I just am,” she added. “And you know, we’ve been together for two years. No one would really know that because I don’t really blast my info like that. But I’m very happy.”

It was back in 2015 that the media first caught wind of the couple’s burgeoning relationship when they stepped out on a beach in Miami holding hands. On Sunday, she and the Chicago Bears alum dined with Hayden’s mother in honor of Mother’s Day and, as fans have now learned, their engagement.

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The Hardest Part About Being A Newly Single Mom (& How To Deal With It) -Your Tango

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If you ‘like’ us, we’ll LOVE you!

PHOTO: GETTY

newly single mom who just got divorced

 

Every divorced mom goes through this.

Being a single mom, you want to be happy and provide a safe home but usually, don’t know how to keep yourself feeling positive. You don’t really believe you will be happy and don’t know how to deal with providing for everything you know you need for your kids.

The hardest part about being a single mom is knowing that hope and dreams are possible even in the face of tremendous fear. And the way to deal with that part is to surround yourself with those who feel the same way. Your community — including your children — are the seeds of possibility.

Leaving a marriage, there’s always this combination of fear and excitement —  whether you wanted out or not.


RELATED: 13 Reasons To Be Jealous (Yes, Jealous!) Of Single Moms


Both are valid — the dreams pull you out of marriage, the fears keep you from falling fast. Most women just want to be happy and be able to provide a safe home. They want to rush to the end of the story.

But they don’t know how to keep themselves feeling positive. They don’t believe they’ll be truly happy with all of the stress. They don’t know how to provide financially for themselves way too often, and they’re worried about their kids.

For many single moms, those dreams usually include (fingers crossed) a new home filled with hope, joy, even happiness if possible. Maybe a new lover. A place for dreams to come true. However, in the beginning, chaos and confusion typically reign as a single mom does her very best to set up a new home for her children.

The familiar rules which kept two adults parenting together fall away in the face of just kids and mom. There’s this intense sense of not knowing what’s going on or what to do first. One of the hardest parts of being a single mom is believing that you’ve got this in midst of the fear, that you and your children will manage, figure things out, and even thrive.

Chaos and confusion are at the root of what it takes to create a home filled with hope and dreams. You cannot create possibility out of a broken framework.

A marriage between a mother and father that didn’t hold together is a broken framework. So at first, you will feel as if everything is falling apart and you don’t know what you’re doing. And you don’t. Actually, you can’t. Your kids don’t know what to expect and neither do you.

Happiness and joy can come out of that chaos.

Without it, you can’t begin to create your new home. Your new home is built on top of this new family structure, and together you and your children, are the ones who have to make it work. And that’s never easy.

To believe in possibility, new dreams, even new love requires accepting how to deal with this part of separation. You will be in chaos and confusion until you accept and deal with recreating your rules, boundaries, and self-discipline in the face of pain, upset, expenses, and single-parenting. The moment is difficult and I wish I could tell you differently.

Those who set up any other unrealistic expectations in their new household — any sort of perfection really — like some super strict “family rule” guidelines, are setting themselves up for denial and dysfunction.

No one goes through a divorce without having to deal with a broken heart. Not adults. Not children. And perfection or guidelines requiring 100 percent compliance without compassion fall short of dealing.

Surrounding yourself with people who not only grasp this reality but also support your efforts to deal with it is paramount. You cannot do it alone. You also cannot do it the way you used to when you were married and supposedly in a good place.

That looks like leaning into new friends, finding a new community filled with compassion instead of judgment, and being with those who understand what you’re up against.


RELATED: How To Be Happy As A Single Mom In 9 (Relatively) Easy Steps


Creating hope out of a broken heart is the stuff dreams are made of.

Because creating hope and possibility out of the old set of rules, listening to the old criticism and being immersed in self-incrimination, judgment or despair doesn’t work.

To develop emotional resilience and hope means that you have to take a step away from your past and surround yourself with faith in possibility. No matter what you may be thinking, this kind of faith demands acceptance and compassion.

Forgiveness even. It has more to do with a bigger perspective, filled with the possibility that it has to do with hanging onto what you’ve known or are used to from the past.

This takes faith and courage and so much more. It’s saying “no” to answering every single text 24/7 no matter how difficult it is to resist. It’s about letting a few things slide (in my home, kids aren’t required to make their beds anymore).

It’s about a no-lying policy at my house. It’s about deleting those who are critical of me and my parenting style from my contact list no matter how many memories we once shared.

It was about allowing myself to change how I parent as a single mom instead of taking on a more limiting set of rules and guidelines. In fact, it was all about opening up to possibilities — a bigger perspective.

In the chaos and confusion inherent in the lifestyle shift, you may be unsure of how to do these things despite trying your hardest. That’s where finding a new community becomes mandatory.

Honestly, I would not be where I am today without my new support structure. I’m not saying to get rid of those who are your champions. However, I am saying, quite emphatically, in fact, to find a new group to help you on your way to your life filled with dreams.

In order to find a new support structure, you need to step into faith. And, it takes courage to do just that.

As you start your new lifestyle as a single mom, you’ll most likely pull in. You’ll be ashamed, scared, and unsure, even though you’re doing your best. But trusting others is the furthest thing from your mind.

I totally get that! The hardest part of being a single mom is to believe you’re worthy of a new group of positive, kind, and compassionate people. When you look for them though, they may be hard to see.

I had to look a long time. Unfortunately, it took a while, filled with trial and error, to find my new community. I thought it looked like my old life, my old kind of friends, my old type of lovers.

Boy, was I wrong!

Look for a new support structure. 

Surrounding yourself with compassionate, supportive, action-oriented, that kind of kick in your butt with love sort of support doesn’t come naturally when you’re feeling alone and isolated in chaos and confusion. It takes some work. So don’t give up!

Try not to confuse that effort with falling in love or getting that promotion at work. Or evengetting away from that other parent, however much that is driving you.

Those steps are a part of the overall healing but not the kind of support that will help you develop true faith and courage in yourself as a single mom. In some ways, those steps are like candy. Or they’re the sprinkles on the frosting, not the ingredients of a dream life.

Only those who have been where you are will know that. At first, it’s easy to get confused by distractions.

At first, the hardest part about being a single mom is going to be the self-discipline to find a part of you willing and able to shift.

To realize that even with all the work you’ve done being a single mom (and I know you’ve done a ton of work already) there’s still room for more. And you’re worthy of opening up to it. You’re even worthy of having your dreams made possible. And you’re especially worthy of happiness and love.


RELATED: How To Deal With The 3 Biggest Struggles Of Being A Single Mom


Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. She is a writer, public speaker, and the founder of doingDivorce School, an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visither website.

Important Things You Foolishly Ignore When You’re ‘Blinded By Love’

News, relationship

Love looks A LOT different when that “romance high” wears off.

Shakespeare famously wrote about the experience of being “blinded by love” in three of his plays to caution audiences about the slippery nature of ignoring the faults of those we adore.

It turns out, The Bard was onto something. Science tell us that love does perform a bit of trickery on our minds, especially in the beginning of a relationship when we’re flooded with a powerful cocktail of chemicals that mimic the experience of being high on cocaine.

We feel “high on love’ … because we literally are! 

In The Merchant of Venice (Act 2, Scene 6), Shakespeare writes: But love is blind, and lovers cannot see the pretty follies that themselves commit.”  Or, in modern translation: “But love is blind, and lovers can’t see the silly things they do around each other.”

As we fall in love, doing whatever it takes to ensnare our beloved becomes fair game.

We put on our best attitude, behavior and efforts to encourage that special someone to fall in love with us. We aim to impress and we want their love in return.

But the cold hard fact is — much of this “wooing” behavior stops once the relationship is established. Therefore, who you meet (and fell in love with) at the beginning isn’t always the person he or she really is on the inside. To meet that true version of your partner, you have to stick around long enough for the romantic chemicals to wear off.

And the “love drug” euphoria is not long lived. Research tells us that 18 months to 3 years after a relationship has begun, it wears off.

What sustains a relationship at that point are the shared feelings of love, trust, friendship and sexual connection that are not chemically induced, but rather, genuinely felt. From that time forward, our feelings for our partner are led by the complicated relational elements that tie us together.

In other words, we’re left to judge our partner based solely on his or her actions.

And this is when things can get tricky because promises of love can only take us so far if they’re not also uplifted by the chemicals in our brain. Facing this time in a relationship (and truly seeing each other clearly, often for the first time) is very hard on many couples.

In the light of reality, if their shared expectations and dreams for a future together don’t line up, many couples believe that’s the signal they should breakup.

Being blinded by love caused them to willingly ignore signs along the way that they weren’t truly an ideal match or that aspects of their relationship didn’t work well.

Consider this:

  • What IF your partner has traits or flaws that aren’t in your best interest?
  • What IF your partner behaves in ways that might harm your ability to reach your life goals?
  • What IF your partner isn’t the person he or she claimed to be during the wooing phase of your relationship?

All too often, couples take the BIG leap into living together or getting married during these chemical induced years. For example, it’s not uncommon for engagements to happen two to three years after couples start dating.

Making major decisions like that becomes more challenging when you’re suddenly faced with your partner’s real flaws. Choosing to remain blind to that reality doesn’t ultimately serve you. What was once a smartly-turned “blind eye” can now lead you down the path of relationship disaster if you don’t find the courage to face your life, your choices, and your partner honestly.

Considering that we all eventually experience this sobering up from the “love high” in our relationships, we wanted to bring the topic to our Experts to discuss the price we pay when we choose to stay blind to qualities/traits in our partner … at the start of a relationship, and further in.

Our panel is made up of anthropologist and research scientist, Dr. Helen Fisher. Helen has written extensively on the science of the brain in love, and for this discussion, she is joined by host and YourTango Senior VP of Experts Melanie Gorman, behavioral analyst Steven Sisler, divorce coach Kimberly Mishkin and author Cathleen Miller.

Understanding the power of being “blinded by love” can really open your eyes to why you’ve made silly decisions about a mate in the past. Watch the video above for tips on how to make sure you’re finally seeing clearly when it comes to making decisions about matters of the heart.

If you have questions or need support for your love life, look no further than our panelists. Click their names above to learn more about their individual offerings and resources.

30 Best Sex Games To Kink Up A Stale Marriage

Entertainment, relationship
best sex games

Do you want to play a game?

Marriages aren’t easy to keep fresh. After being with the same person for so many years, it’s easy to feel a bit bored. However, that doesn’t mean that you should walk away. It just means that you should do something to spice things up.

If you’re looking for new ways to get kinky in the bedroom, trying some of the best sex games like the ones below are a perfect way to do it.

1. Truth or Dare

This age-old game might have been the thing of middle school parties, but if you start asking sexual and kinky questions, it quickly becomes an amazing way to get to know your partner on a whole new level.

2. X Marks the Spot

If you’ve been wanting to have your partner kiss a certain part of your body, this is a great way to get them to do it. With this, your partner has to keep kissing you until they find the place you’re thinking about. Once they kiss you there, you both win.


RELATED: 59 Fun Sex Questions To Ask Your Lover (To Become More Sexually Intimate)


3. Nookii

This is a sex game you can find on Amazon, and it’s pretty good as far as purchasable games go. As the name suggests, the idea behind Nookii is to take you through foreplay, heat things up, and get you ready for a mind-blowing final event. (You can thank me later.)

(Buy it on Amazon, $49.95)

4. Netflix and Thrills

Okay, for this one, you don’t actually need Netflix. You might need an erotic site, though. This kinky game is all about giving oral sex to your partner while they watch steamy content to see how long they can make it before they beg for sex.

5. XXXopoly

XXXopoly might be a funny riff on Monopoly, but it’s still one of the best sex games you can find on Amazon. Each square you land on has you doing a sexy little thing, and if you’re not up for it, you have to pay a fine.

Frankly, this might be a better game than the original. Unlike Monopoly, which typically causes arguments, everyone walks away feeling like a winner.

(Buy it on Amazon, $29.95)

6. Mirror, Mirror

Fans of mutual masturbation and voyeurism will love this one. Basically, you sit across from your partner and start masturbating in front of them. They do the same, and match your pace. This idea behind this is to both cross the finish line together.

7. I Do, You Do

If you want to be a better guide for your partner, this is the best sex game to try. With this, you show your partner exactly what you want them to do to you, and they return the favor. Do this for a while, and you can expect better sex for a longer period of time.

8. Love Is Art

This isn’t a game, per se, but you can get those kits at UncommonGoods. This kit allows you to cover yourself in paint while you’re doing the nasty — and make a work of art using it.

(Buy it on UncommonGoods, starting at $36)

9. Kama Sutra Cards of the Day

You can pick up a deck of these in Barnes and Noble, or really anywhere. This sex game basically has you remove a card from the deck and act out what’s on the card. It’s simple, easy, and very useful if you’re tired of doggy style for the 50th time in a row.

(Buy it on BarnesandNoble.com, $9.95)

10. Sex Dice

Some adore them, some can’t stand them, but we’d by lying if we said that they don’t kink up a stale marriage pretty well. They’re one of the oldest sex games out there, but they’re tried and true for a reason.

(Buy it on Amazon, $14.95)

11. The “No Hands” Orgasm Race

Looking to spice things up and show how fast you can orgasm? As the name suggests, this game is all about showing who can cross the finish line first — without using your hands!

12. Oh! Lucky You Scratch Cards

Love the lottery? Well, unlike the ones that promise millions of dollars, everyone’s a winner with these cute cards. Every heart you scratch off has a naughty thing you need to do in order to win the game — and everyone is a winner here. You can actually get the tools to make your own on Amazon.

(Buy it on Amazon, $9.90)

13. Who Does It Better?

If you’re really kinky and have decided to start swinging in your marriage, you might want to try this one. You’ll need a third partner. There will be two competitors and a “judge.”

To do this epic sex game, two partners give the judge oral sex — and the judge figures out who wins. Obviously, this can have jealousy as an issue. However, if you’re into cuckqueaning or cuckolding, it’s an amazing game to play.

14. 7 Minutes in Heaven

This high school classic is pretty self-explanatory, but if you’re looking for sex games to kink up a stale marriage, it works wonders. To get real thrills, try playing this at the next party you’re at.

15. Strip Poker

Much like a lot of the other “classic” games on this list, strip poker is pretty easy to understand and play. To kink it up a notch, make one of the rules of the game be that the loser has to make the winner orgasm after they lose.


RELATED: The 5 BEST Sex Games To Play Via Text (To TOTALLY Turn Him On)


16. 30 Seconds

30 Seconds is one of the many sex games that’s meant to be foreplay to the main event. The idea behind it is that you only get 30 seconds to give as much pleasure as possible to your partner. Can you beat the clock and give them a Big O? You’re going to have to find out!

17. Sex Stack

Sex Stack is what happens when sex games happen to classic party games like Jenga. Just like the old-school bar favorite, the goal of this game is to not have the tower collapse on you while you’re removing the blocks. However, each block has a unique foreplay move you also have to perform — and some of them will really surprise you.

(Buy it on Amazon, $25)

18. Guess The Sex Toy

Blindfold your partner, use a sex toy on them, and have them guess which one it is. It’s simple, fun, and kinky.

19. Role-play Roulette

This one is simple but totally epic if you’re a fan of role-playing. Come up with a bunch of different role play situations, and write them on slips of paper. Put them in a bag, and find out which kinky situation you have to act out next.

20. Low Key Fantasy

Are you afraid to tell your partner what you want in person? This might be good if you’re coy about asking up front. Write a bunch of fantasies on a deck of cards, and ask them to pick one. Then, act out the fantasy that’s written there.

21. Play Prisoner

For this sex game, you’ll need a safe word. You then will need to tie your partner to a bed and blindfold him. Then, have your way with him in any means you find necessary.

22. Delivery Dare

Feeling hungry and have a friend who’s willing to help? Get your partner to call up the local “delivery place,” and then go down on them. Tell them to keep talking as if nothing’s happening while you’re performing. If they can place an order, you pay for lunch.

23. Follow the Trail

This is a classic sex game if ever there was one. Set up a scavenger hunt for your partner to complete or get a trail of rose petals to lead to the bedroom, with you as the final “prize.”

24. Never Have I Ever

Been dying to try this one wild act, but never did it before? Never Have I Ever is way easy to play, and all you need to do is say the things you’ve never done that you want to do. This will jog your partner’s imagination, and also get you lucky afterwards.

25. Master Says

BDSM fans, unite. For this game, one of you is the Master and the other is the sub. Master Says is just like Simon Says, except kinkier and it has sexual connotations. If you don’t do what Master says, you might end up getting spanked. (Note: Safe words are encouraged, here!)

26. Which Would You Rather?

If you’re looking to just start exploring your partner’s kinky side, asking them these questions would be a good start. Come up with 20 questions of what they’d rather do in bed, and use that information a little later.

27. Monkey See, Monkey Do

Voyeurs will love this. For this, you’re going to need a favorite set of sex clips. The object of this sex game is to copy what they’re doing — position, mood, and everything else — while watching the video.

28. Distract Me

Ever wanted to see how much of a distraction you can be to your partner? For this game, your partner will do a regular day-to-day activity. Your goal is to distract them and turn them on until they no longer can perform that task.

29. Mute Button

Is your partner loud in bed? This game will be a challenge! The idea behind this game is to keep your partner as quiet as possible while you do naughty things to them. If they are able to stay silent after they cross the finish line, make sure to give them a prize. If they can’t, stop what you’re doing, then start again.

30. Naked Twister

You know how you can get Twister on Amazon and make it seem innocent? Well, it wasn’t always that way. This was one of the top sex games of the 60s and 70s, and for good reason. It lets you stay limber, show off your body, and maybe find a new sex position, too. As with many other swinger-friendly games, the more, the merrier with this one.

(Buy it on Amazon, $19.99)


RELATED: 21 Super Sexy ‘Would You Rather’ Questions For A HOT Night In


Ossiana Tepfenhart is a Jack-of-all-trades writer based out of Red Bank, New Jersey. When she’s not writing, she’s drinking red wine and chilling with some cool cats. You can follow her @bluntandwitty on Twitter.

How To Fix A Broken Marriage (Before It Leads To Divorce) -Tango

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how to avoid divorce when your marriage is broken

Love

Don’t wait until it’s too late.

When couples get married, they are so in love and believe that there is nothing that is going to come between them or cause them to be unhappy. Though most believe that initially, the bottom seems to drop out of that belief pretty quickly. How could this person that you married be so incredibly uncaring or messy or self-centered, etc?

You begin to question what you ever saw in this person or why you ever thought that your marriage would be so wonderful. Every day you find yourself becoming more and more frustrated and angry at him. You become resentful of his very presence in your life.


RELATED: The 50 Best Marriage Tips Of All Time (From 50 Marriage Experts)


How can he not see what you need and want, especially if you are now pointing it out to him!

Before you begin to throw darts his way, it’s time to take a close look at what YOU have been doing that has contributed to the brokenness you are experiencing in your relationship. Did you know that each of you contributes good things in your relationship and bad things? It is possible to fix this relationship before it ends in divorce, but you have to be willing to do some work on yourself.

Here are 5 steps that can help you fix your broken marriage before it ends in divorce:

1. Identify the problem areas.

You must recognize that there is a problem in your marriage that will not just go away and that you play a part in it. Too often people believe that problems will just fix themselves without any initiative on their part. You may look at the problem as his to fix.

After all, you are the model spouse. You do everything right. He should just know what you need and want without you having to tell him. It’s his fault that things are coming apart in your relationship.

You make it known to him all the time that you are not happy with him. You spend your days and nights cleaning up after him and make all kinds of noise to let him know that you are not happy with doing this. He never seems to get the hint. He just gets mad!

2. Pay attention to how you’re communicating.

The way you communicate with him has a huge impact on the reaction you get from him. Out of your own anger and frustration, you begin to communicate with him in a very angry, sarcastic manner. You seem to be angry all the time (at least to him).

There is nothing he can do that does not invoke an angry response from you. Every conversation he tries to have with you seems to turn into an argument. Learning to talk to each other in a respectful and civil way can begin to turn things around.

Talking to him about why, for example, his messes make you angry. Telling him what you expected in your marriage is also extremely important. He may know some things but to assume that he should just know what you are thinking and feeling means you believe he can read your mind.

Wrong!!!

He cannot and never could read your mind. You and your spouse need to talk about what is important to you and to him. You make decisions about how to treat one another based on your communication that is clear, open, honest, and respectful; and don’t use sarcasm!


RELATED: 10 Dos And Don’ts For HEALTHY Relationship Communication


3. Check your negativity levels.

Your attitude about your spouse also must change from negative to positive. If someone is always negative in how they approach you, you would become discouraged and angry too. Your spouse may have come to the place of believing that it doesn’t matter what he does or doesn’t do; you are always going to find fault with him.

If that is the case, then why should he even try to please you? Something that might help you is thinking about what are the annoying things that you can choose to live with. There are some things in relationships that are just not worth creating brokenness, such as, which way someone puts the toilet paper on or where that person squeezes the toothpaste, etc.

If you have an issue about something, it would be important to think it through and if it is important enough to you, talk about it. But remember that neither of you is right nor wrong.

You are just different in how you do things. Some may be gender differences and some may be because you come from two different families and two different ways of doing things. As you begin to approach the differences with a more positive attitude about your spouse, you may find that both of you begin to be less annoying and more loving toward each other.

4. Don’t just point the finger outward.

You must be willing to make changes yourself if your relationship is going to change for the better. You may have decided that it is not fair that you have to make changes while your spouse just goes about his life doing what he wants. However, you can only change yourself and your spouse can only change himself.

If you desire for things to be different and especially desire that things be much better, then you will need to be open to getting the ball rolling and make some changes yourself. Think before you speak. Ask yourself if what you are about to say is really true.

Next, ask yourself if it will be helpful to say it. Then, consider if it will really inspire change in your spouse or will it just be plain hurtful. Ask yourself if it is necessary to talk about and think about how you need to approach it so your spouse hears you (not at the top of your lungs or with an attitude).

Then consider whether what you are about to say is truly kind or if you’re about to blow up out of anger.

5. Learn to be patient.

Remember that changes take time. You will need to keep doing things differently on a consistent basis if you want these changes to become a part of your marriage. It is always easy to fall back into old patterns of thinking and behavior so you have to be intentional about making the changes and continuing to make those changes.

If you are struggling with a “broken marriage” that seems to be heading for divorce, don’t give up. Get the outside professional help you need before it is too late! We are here to help you to make your relationship better than it has ever been. Please contact us and we will help you get back on track in your marriage.


RELATED: 30 Communication Habits That Will Help Your Relationship Thrive


Work through the steps above. Go to our website and download the instructive worksheet to help you follow the process. If you are still having difficulty making change happen, please contact David and Debbie. We can help you figure out how to have the relationship you desire.

If you ‘like’ us, we’ll LOVE you!

7 Ways To Reinvent Your Life After Divorce (Even If You Still Love Your Ex)

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how to move on after getting divorced

Reinvention after divorce is critical to your well-being.

Moving on after divorce seems so much easier when you can say with confidence that your ex is an asshole. But what happens when he’s not and you still have to say goodbye?

Reinventing yourself and your life after divorce when you’re still in love with your ex can make you doubt yourself and your future.

No matter how long it has been since your relationship ended, when you think about what’s next, your mind can’t help but wonder what it would’ve looked like (dare I say, should have looked like) if your partner had stayed in the picture.

Your limited mind (your thoughts attached to the physical world) laments the loss of, what you perceived, was a fantastic partner. Your expansive mind (your highest wisdom) knows it is time to learn how to move on.

This tug of war between the two parts of you is exactly what’s got you stuck.


RELATED: 10 Ways Life After Divorce Is So Much Better (Really!)


Reinventing yourself after divorce when you’re still in love with your ex, however, is absolutely critical to your overall well-being.

Here are 7 thought habits that will create a faster and healthier path forward in your life after divorce:

1. Give credit where credit is due.

The fact that you haven’t fashioned a monster out of your spouse means you’re not a monster either. Give yourself a pat on the back for being the kind of person who can keep your eye on the good in someone even while you’re in pain.

A whole host of emotions crop up during the grieving process, most of them unsavory. However, no matter what comes up for you, you have the truth of your ability to love, in all conditions, as an underpinning for who you are. Remember that this is one of your strengths moving forward and you’ll be able to capitalize on it in a myriad of contexts.

It’s much easier to build on what works well (your compassion and insight) than try to fix what doesn’t (hard feelings or frustration).

2. No “buts” — only “ands.”

When you lose a wonderful someone, you give up more than your day to day life with them, you sacrifice your envisioned future together. Most of the triggers for your pain come from a now impossible, imagined “someday”.

If an ex-shaped hole arrives in your vision of what’s to come gently remind yourself using the word “and” that you’re moving forward without them. Instead of, “I know I’m moving forward but I wish I he was here with me”, use “I know I’m moving forward and I wish he were still here with me.”

Create space for both realities (the sucky and the not-so-sucky) so your consciousness can catch up to the fact that you are (even without them) moving forward.

Before you know it, the “I’m moving forward” will move from a wispy thought to a powerful feeling. The ghost of your ex will appear as fond memories rather than a longing for his presence.

3. Focus on today’s dynamic.

Yesterday, you met each other’s needs. Today, you don’t. Yesterday, the future required your partnership. Today, it doesn’t.

Priorities shift, personal needs emerge, purpose begs for attention and the consequences of answering these inner imperatives (or not) invariably changes people. Evolution is as necessary as it is inevitable.

The fact that you’re divorced means that one of 3 things happened:

  • Your partner grew over time and you didn’t.
  • You grew over time and your partner didn’t.
  • You both grew over time in different directions.

Sit in that reality for while. When one or both of you grow your ability to meet each other’s needs changes. Is it really hard to let the new, differently focused person go when you realize that you no longer serve each other’s highest good?

Focus on today; it’s the only real space and time you have anyway.


RELATED: 10 Things You Must Do In Your First Year As A Divorcée


4. Own your shortcomings and celebrate your achievements.

Now is the perfect time to take an inventory on both areas of improvement as well as your achievements.

Take a look at what changed in you over time:

  • Were you once excited about life and now it feels like a drudge? Find your spark.
  • Were you once quiet and reserved and now you enjoy socializing? Get out and socialize more.

Remember to take stock of what has continued to improve as well:

  • Have you become more patient over time? Congrats! Patience is a virtue!
  • Do you feel like you empathize more after going through some rough things? That goes in your toolbox too.

Let me remind you of this oh-so-important factoid: you are an incredible person, 100 percent, on your own. That has always been true and it remains true as you look forward.

Look at what you’re doing right now this very second. You’re reading this article. That means that you already are moving forward on your own. You already are reinventing yourself. Even if you did enter this phase of your life under protest, kicking and screaming, you already are in the throes of your new journey!!

So own your shortcomings and embrace your achievements because you are 100 percent enough.

5. Be patient.

With a renewed focus on you and your future, the new patterns take time to cement within you. Give them due course and allow yourself some backslides too. Let “Progress, not perfection” be your new mantra.

You’re leveling up in life. While you’ve garnered the skills you need to do better and be better they’re going to take some practice. There’re no guarantees where the future is concerned. Stay present to what you have now. After all, “now” is all you ever really have anyway.

6. Get to the root of your anger.

Anger is not only the second stage of grief, she is a deceitful conniving manipulator!! Did you know she’s not even really “anger” most of the time? She’s unaddressed frustration, fear, confusion, loneliness and a whole host of hurtful emotions.  Anything that hasn’t had its fair share of your conscious focus and intent to heal will eventually come out as anger.

The thing is…one day you’re all, “I’m still in love with my ex.” After taking some steps into your empowerment, however, you start to see that your former life partner didn’t always act like he was on your team, or seemed to have ulterior motives, or (on some days) must’ve been a goddamn alien from another planet because who was that selfish asshat walking around in the body of the one you love most?!

Anger allows you to put some distance between you and your pain so you can move toward acceptance. Although it’s useful, don’t let it redefine your entire experience. Find that unresolved feeling and deal with anger at the root. You’ll help yourself through this rough patch and prevent future anger from rearing its ugly head.

7. Clean house.

Literally and figuratively clean house. The plethora of benefits of being in a clean home is enough to get us scrubbing, polishing and donating. The effects of a clean home when in the process of reinventing yourself after divorce, however, are really a metaphor for your fresh start.

When you want something new in your life, you’ve got to make space for it.

  • Does the new you enjoy tea instead of coffee? Donate the coffee maker and buy a tea subscription.
  • What if Queen You is ready to write that book, screenplay or blog? She need some space that isn’t filled with memories of all her old roadblocks!
  • Doesn’t Future Entrepreneur of the Year deserve a new office where the muscle memory to make lunch for the fam doesn’t take over? Heck yes, she does!!

Make a promise to yourself, right now, that you will cherish, relish, and nourish another person in your life that you love: YOU. Declutter your actual house. Dust out your emotional house. Overhaul your social house. Detox your body’s house, too, while you’re at it.

Like a sculptor passionately carving away the irrelevant bits of clay, you are a genius hard at work creating yourself as the masterpiece you really are.

Reinventing yourself after a divorce when you’re still in love with your ex is not an exercise in futility. It is absolutely achievable.

You will come out the other side of this mess with a better understanding of yourself and you’ll feel more empowered than ever to navigate change in your life (even when you wish you didn’t have to).


RELATED: 24 Ridiculous Divorce Lies You Should Never, Ever Believe


Triffany Hammond is a certified professional life coach who helps strong women tame their inner hot mess. Start with the book F.A.I.L.* to Win: 4 Simple Principles to Get You Out of Your Own Wayand follow up with a class. Everything you touch will get easier as you go. If there’s still more bitter in “bittersweet” than, there is sweet, download The Squeeze right now to help you manage any anxiety that crops up. 

This article was originally published at Triffany Hammond, LLC. Reprinted with permission from the author.

4 Things Every Successful Relationship Needs For Love To Last – Tango

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dating tips

Don’t be blindsided by the person you’re with!

We’ve all heard the horror stories from all of the dates gone so wrong. We’ve most likely experienced some of those horror stories ourselves.

For example, being set up by friends who just “know” the right person for you. Or sitting across the table just staring at each other, with not a lot to say. Or your date “suddenly” gets a call and “has” to take off and apologizes.

Where do we learn dating tips that lead to successful relationships? Our friends? Our family members? Our own experiences? If you are a “conscious” person who is always learning about yourself and making the appropriate and necessary changes along the way, that’s great.

For the majority of people, dating is a process of often really bad experiences. Did you ever wake up one day and ask yourself when did this person change for the worse? How could I not have seen the signs?


RELATED: What A Healthy Relationship Needs If You Want It To Last


I’ve discovered four ways to help avoid these horrible experiences. These concepts are not taught in school, so we often have to painfully learn as we go, at best. Marriage can work with the right knowledge.

The divorce rate is so high because we don’t know how to pick “the right one” and we don’t know how to have healthy relationships when we do find the right one. As if this is not bad enough, many if not most people divorce and then repeat the same negative patterns in the new relationship or marriage.

Another reason for failed relationships is that often our self-esteem is not in place in a healthy, accurate manner. This is not a good thing. We attract about the same degree of self-esteem in the other person. So if realize that you keep attracting unhealthy people, you need to take a look at how you really see yourself inside.

These are 4 life actions that affect our dating and relationships. Understanding them leads to more awareness when you encounter them and what you can do about them:

1. Don’t get into a relationship with an agenda.

People often stay in a relationship because of an agenda. An agenda is a belief that something needs to be a certain way for us to be “OK”. For example: “I must be married by 30 yrs of age.”

When we have an agenda, it will often get in the way of the more beneficial decisions we would normally make.

2. Open your eyes and be willing to see red flags. 

I cannot tell you the number of people who have told me that they never saw the unhealthy qualities in the marriage or relationship until way down the line. We are talking sometimes years. They often report that the behavior “just showed up one day, out of the blue.”

The truth is that the behavior was there all the time but was ignored. “Love is blind” is not a helpful mantra when it conceals warning signs.


RELATED: If Your Partner Does These 12 Things, Run As Fast As You Can


3. Read up on some things you can expect in relationships.

Learn the concepts and skills that will help you navigate through a relationship — and life in general. For example: How do you have difficult conversations in a relationship? How do you determine healthy and unhealthy behaviors?

Without knowledge of these skills and concepts it can feel like navigating in the dark, not knowing what you are bumping into.

4. Give him time to show his true qualities.

Watch out for consistent behaviors for at least 6 months. It is very difficult to hide your true qualities for more than 6 months without being a sociopath — and for sure, no longer than one year. And you would have to be a really skilled sociopath on top of that for those unhealthy qualities to remain “hidden”.

Watch for consistent behavior in the relationship. This holds true for negative as well as positive behaviors. There may be an underlying reason for a person to temporarily exhibit negative qualities.

We all make mistakes but there is a difference between occasional “mistakes” and an overall theme of repeated negative behavior. Conversely, occasional “good” behavior does not negate an overall theme of unhealthy behavior.


RELATED: If You Have To Do Any Of These 7 Things, He’s Not The One


Susan Saint-Welch, LMFT, is a marriage and family psychotherapist who has been practicing in-person and online in California for over 20 years, helping radiant, single women get un-stuck and find the lasting love they deserve. She is passionate about teaching skills and concepts for healthier relationships, dating, and self-esteem. For more articles, follow her on her website Life and Relationships 101.

This article was originally published at lifeandrelationships101.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.

5 Seriously Odd Mistakes Men Have No Idea They Make With Women -Tango

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PHOTO: UNSPLASH: TYLER NIX

5 Odd Dating & Relationship Mistakes Men Make When They're Falling In Love

Help us help you.

Yes, falling in love is a wild and crazy process, and I would argue that this is the case largely because men and women are so different from each other — fundamentally different.

My best friend is a guy, and when he shares stories with me about his own adventures in dating and relationships, I find myself having to scratch my head as I wonder why he just did that seriously odd thing or sent the woman he feels a strong attraction to such strange text messages.

And, of course, he feels the same way about me in regard to my own stories about men.

RELATED: The 10 Biggest Mistakes Men Make In Relationships

Relationships with men lead most women to experience not a few head scratching moments of their own, as guys make some truly bizarre mistakes that leave us in doubt about a possible future together.

Here are five seriously odd mistakes men have no idea they make with women when it comes to dating, love and relationships.

1. Not telling her what you really want.

When your girlfriend asks whether you’d prefer Italian or Chinese food for dinner, or whether you’d rather spend Friday night hanging out with friends or staying home watching Netflix, telling her you don’t care and that she can decide is neither helpful nor accommodating.

Women don’t ask for your opinion to simply fill the air with words. They ask your opinion because they sincerely want your input and care about your preferences. Despite what you may think, most women don’t want to be the one who makes all of the decisions for both of you.

So, when a woman asks for your opinion, SPEAK UP! I’m sure you have one, and sharing it with your girl will make her feel happy and part of a team. And that’s the goal, right?

2. Not calling women out when they deserve it.

Life is challenging and even the best people can be difficult at times. We work hard, have to keep up on social media, have family and friends pulling us in all directions at all times, and there is never enough time for the amount of sleep we need.

On those days when you’re exhausted and it has you acting like a jerk, your girlfriend or wife probably calls you on it, and if she does so in a kind way, you probably know that she’s right and make a quick shift to change that.

For some reason, however, guys don’t tend to do the same, preferring to keep their heads down when the woman in their life is behaving badly.

For 20 years, my now ex-husband kept his head down when I did things like snapping at him for coming home late, meanly telling him he smelled like beer, and or refusing to join him on visits to his family because I was “having a bad day.” No matter what, he’d just let it go.

I know I was hurting his feelings, but he never said one single word, and so I kept on behaving that way, respecting him a little bit less each time.

And then one day, he left. Just got up and walked out.

So, call your girl out when she deserves it. Speak your truth, earn her respect and retain your respect for yourself.

RELATED: 3 Seriously Odd Mistakes Women Have No Idea They Make With Men

3. Sending text messages and then disappearing.

I am not sure there is anything more fraught with issues for people who are dating or in relationships these days than text messaging.

While most guys see texting a basic means of communication and something to do when they’re bored, many women see their messages as a source of meaningful information to be studied and reviewed in the search for hidden meanings and subtle clues.

So when a man texts frequently and then disappears suddenly, it’s causes a tremendous amount of frustration for the woman in his life. If you text a woman, she replies and you pull a disappearing act, she is likely to spend the minutes, hours, or days obsessively checking her phone and wondering what is going on.

So, If you only have time for one text before your meeting, tell her that. Something as simple as, “Wanted to say hi but I’m going into a meeting, so I’ll be out of communication for a while,” is all it takes to keep her from feeling hurt, confused and angry with you.

4. Talking about their own hobby to the exclusion of everything else.

We women are SO glad when the man we love has a hobby that keeps him busy and makes him happy, and we typically try our best to be supportive of that every way we can. For many of us, it’s not a man’s hobbies that drive us crazy, but when he talks about it incessantly, almost to the exclusion of anything and everything else.

I had a boyfriend who lived for riding his bike. It was the only place in his life where he felt truly successful. I supported this because it made him feel good about himself. But then started talking about it. And talking about it. And talking about it. The talking would start right after his Sunday morning ride, he would fill me in on how the ride had gone and what he could have done differently. This train of thought would continue into the week, pivoting mid-week into a discussion of talk what he expected Saturday morning’s ride to look like.

It got to the point where, other than pausing occasionally to make plans with me, it was the only thing he was interested in talking to me about at all.

So I left. I hope he and his bike are living happily ever after.

Have your hobbies, guys. But don’t make them the center of your life! And remember to ask her questions about her own life and hobbies, too.

5. Sulking about her guy friends.

As I said above, one of my very best friends is a guy. I love him, talk to him every day, and know everything about him, which is probably why I know for a fact that I would never, ever get romantically involved with him.

Fortunately, my current boyfriend is comfortable with our friendship, but I’ve dated men in the past who definitely were not.

Not “allowing” your girlfriend or wife to be friends with guys or to spend time with men who get her but she has no romantic interest in is a huge mistake.

Girls needs their friends — NEED their friends, and if the woman you love is good friends with a guy who can help her interpret your words and actions because he understands them in a different way than she does, that is actually a huge asset to your relationship that probably saves you from all kinds of grief.

Be confident, trust that she loves you and rest assured that friends is all they will ever be. She will love you even more for it.

Making the same mistakes over and over again will doom every new relationship you enter from the start.

So be honest about your opinion and your feelings, be careful with your text messages, be enthusiastic about your hobbies, but not to the exclusion of everything else, and go easy on her about her friendships with other men.

Remember, this woman loves you and she is yours to lose. Don’t mess this up!

RELATED: The 10 Biggest Mistakes Couples Make In Relationships

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate.

TURNING YOUR ADVERSARY INTO YOUR PARTNER.

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Disputes arise from difference in interests, ideas, and position. Definitely, we have all come across people who are naturally term disagreeable, hostile, stubborn, arrogant, greedy, dishonest and clearly unreasonable. Surprisingly, most of these people we have in our houses! Look around you; Wives, husbands, daughters, sons, siblings and extended family members are part of this group. Your son’s way of life and his friends’ are source of worry to you often. Your wife could be the nice one with a loud mouth, and get this, your boss in the office is clearly driving you to the cliff edge through his unreasonable demands; maybe your aged father’s demands for your time is clearly unreasonable, giving all you are going through. Yea that is life in a nutshell, you cannot understand it but that’s just the way it is.

Conflicts at home and in the work place are distracting and emotionally depressing but they are issues we need to deal with every day.  Most of the time our preconceived feeling about the other party’s feeling always affect our responses and handing of situations. When dealing with people we naturally termed difficult people, we need to make concise effort not to allow our feelings cloud our judgment.

You don’t shout and threaten your relations, slapping or even shutting out your nagging spouse will lead to bigger conflict, and saying ‘No’ to your boss’s request for a meeting on a Saturday, could lead to a loss of job. So what do you do when faced with irritating and stubborn people? Try some of these ideas I learnt from my negotiation classes:

  1. Massage his Ego: Humans need to be appreciated and praised. The fact that their demands are unreasonable or downright insulting does not make them the problem. Use words to convey your appreciation of their request and respect their contributions to the dialogue, then suggest an alternative to current situation. When your spouse ask you for a holiday in Spain, when she knows you could barely cope with work resulting from the last holiday you both took last month.

          It will be wise to acknowledge her choice of location for this holiday, her wisdom in taking care of her hard working husband, then deftly and ever so           carefully; steer her towards how you enjoyed the last holiday and will love to       go on another one as soon as you complete the current backlog of      assignment caused by the last trip. This way you help save face through   appreciating and supporting her suggestion. You didn’t outrightly say ‘no’ in             fact you welcome and accept her offer but only differ on the timing.

  1. Reference the Problem: When your boss barge into your office at 5pm on Friday asking you to be in the office for a meeting the next day by 10am, you don’t just blurt out and say ‘’Sorry Boss, I have something else planned’’. Instead you try to talk to him and find out his reason for the meeting on Saturday. You know is not natural, hence his interest for calling the meeting could only be deduced from listening to his concerns.

After identifying the issues and interests that coagulated to his position on meeting on Saturday morning, you may now reference his requests in a more acceptable light. Allowing him to ventilate his feelings will avail him some new ideas to solving the problem in the office through another means which you would have steered the discussions towards. Negotiate your way out, look for possible solutions and offer your suggestions to him.

Asking questions allow both parties to see things in a new light. New options tend to become part of the discussions and not excuses. Be alternative to pulse of the discussions. Most people don’t expressly say out loud their interest in ant issue.

  1. Collaborate to find solution: Naturally people do not always express underlying interests. Most conflicts are really about misinterpretation of emotions and inattention to undertones in discussions. Most disputants always loose track of the underlining cause and their initial interest in a conflict; they are only stuck to position, which their emotion expressly permits.

Unstated or under-declared interests always make discussions with other parties arbitrary. You can’t understand why your 14 year-old son would want to leave secondary school and pursue his footballing career. Yet, if you seat him down for a chart and allow him to properly discuss on the interest that fuels his position, you may likely draw out other values that will sweeten the pot.  You could become his partner and send him to a Soccer Academy where he will attend normal classes and still pursue his footballing career unhindered. The best part of the deal will be he will have a better chance at playing pro-soccer at the academy, which he might not be able to afford personally.

Making deal not just about winning, it is about bringing more value to the table. Dealing with a local shop owners whose business is falling and is not ready to sale to your bigger distributary outlet could be seen as unreasonable, given the price your firm is offering. A meeting with the owner could reveal the fact that the business owner is just afraid of what job he will be doing after selling off the store. Redrawing the sales agreement to give him some roles in the new venture could buy him over and seal the deal. Listen to the unuttered words; create values that go beyond terms of discords.

  1. Acknowledge their position: Active listening is important in deal making processes, yet most people don’t indulge in this process, why? The process of active listing is full time job, could be boring and stressful.  Taking thoughtful efforts, tendering to emotional demands of the other party becomes important if you are desirous of making a deal.

He needs to feel heard, unrushed, understood, and appreciated. You need to listen carefully to his explanation/ complaints about what bothers him. You need to show him you are with him while he is talking though emphatic responses, repeat what he said in your own words to clearly and portray understanding, ask open-ended questions to test understanding of his demands and positions, and above all acknowledge his position before making further contributions. Note, you are not required to like or agree with the other party’s narrations but you need to make them aware you have heard and understand their position.

Carefully find out what the opponent wants, allow them to feel your understanding and appreciating their views, carefully steer them towards solutions that might meet their needs, making them shift from  their initial positions and allow them to co-design a collaborative solution from your options as a deal.

After Banning Trump from Attending, McCain Now Wants Barack Obama To Give Eulogy at His Funeral

Politics, relationship

Politics Security After Banning Trump from Attending, McCain Now Wants Barack Obama To Give Eulogy at His Funeral A beloved Democrat Republican U.S. Senator is making additional plans to his funeral, asking Barack Obama to deliver a eulogy, while forbidding President Trump from attending. John McCain is busy now planning his funeral. He hasn’t been […]

https://wp.me/p4G21n-6NsY

Teen humiliated after Channel 4 hit Undateables asked him to appear on show because he has facial deformity — The Sun

News, relationship

A TEENAGER has been left humiliated after Channel 4 hit The Undateables asked him to appear on the show – because of his facial deformity. Anti-bullying campaigner Ashley Carter said the “insulting” request showed that his work was not yet done after he was asked to appear on the show. Ashley Carter was horrified after…

A TEENAGER has been left humiliated after Channel 4 hit The Undateables asked him to appear on the show – because of his facial deformity.

Anti-bullying campaigner Ashley Carter said the “insulting” request showed that his work was not yet done after he was asked to appear on the show.

Ashley Carter was horrified after being invited on Channel 4’s The Undateables
SWNS:South West News Service

The 17-year-old was born with Treacher Collins syndrome – a rare genetic disorder that causes facial deformity.

He was bullied as a child before becoming a campaigner for greater awareness around the condition – and now says he lives an “amazing life”.

So he was horrified when a researcher emailed him to ask to feature on the show, described as a “documentary series following people with challenging conditions who are looking for love”.

The thoughtless message read: “As an influential figure with a public presence, I’m sure your story will have reached out to others living with similar conditions, some of whom may be single.

The 17-year-old was bullied as a child and is now an anti-bullying campaigner
SWNS:South West News Service
Ashley aged six. He suffers from a rare genetic disorder which causes facial deformity
SWNS:South West News Service

“I was hoping you might be able to help us spread the word that we are looking for people who want to find love and possibly take part in our new series of the show.”

Ashley, from Taunton, Somerset, said he and his mum Louise were shocked when they read the email.

He hit back with a stinging email to production company Betty, which creates the programme.

He wrote: “Thank you for the invitation, however, your offer is precisely the reason why I am campaigning in the first place. You have proven that my work is not yet finished.

Ashley Carter with his mum, here aged six
SWNS:South West News Service
Ashley was born with Treacher Collins, a rare genetic disorder
SWNS:South West News Service

“I’m really sorry but I find this really insulting. I’m not here to go on TV to find love. I don’t like it when people find love for me.

“Just because we have conditions or syndromes, we should not be called ‘Undateable’ – I’m very insulted by this.”

He added: “We are normal people living an amazing life.”

The programme claims to “follow new singletons with a variety of conditions through the high and lows of finding love”.

Ashley said it was ‘insulting’ to be asked on a show called ‘The Undateables’
SWNS:South West News Service

However, critics of the show say it perpetuates stereotypes about people living with disabilities and other conditions.

“The show is not the platform that I’m looking to promote my campaign, “I fully understand that you’re doing your job but we are doing ours as well.

via Teen humiliated after Channel 4 hit Undateables asked him to appear on show because he has facial deformity — The Sun

How To Get Him To Notice You (Over Someone Else), According To His Zodiac Sign

relationship

PHOTO: UNSPLASH

How To Get Him To Choose You (Over Someone Else), According To His Zodiac Sign

Make him see what’s so special about you, and use astrology to help.

Trying to get a guy’s attention can be reaalllly hard, especially when you feel like your vying for his attention over everyone else who might be interested in him.

Whether you want to just date him casually or you want him to see you as the one he should be in a serious relationship with, showing him that you’re the one he should be with (without seeming desperate or not interested enough) is a difficult process.

Take myself, for instance. I tend to be a little non-committal about pretty much everything in my life, even if I really care about something.

So, when it comes to dating, I tend to go for nonchalant and coy, but it always just comes off as bothered and not at all interested.

I know, I have some work on the face I put out to the world.

But I also feel like when I AM trying to get a guy’s attention that all I’m doing is seeming desperate and needy, even when that’s not how I’m feeling at all.


RELATED: How To Make A Move On A Guy, According To His Zodiac Sign


It’s a weird, fine line that I’m terrible at mastering. And I know that I’m definitely not alone in this mix of emotions.

There’s a difference between just wanting to date a guy and really wanting him to choose you over anyone else who might be interested.

How are you supposed to convince him of something like that?! Your guess is as good as mine.

But even when it seems difficult, it’s not impossible.

All you need to do is get into his mind and really use him as a guide to his heart.

Think of it this way: would you rather date someone who was interested in getting to know you or someone who was trying to impress you with the person he is?


RELATED: How To Attract Any Man Based On His Venus Sign


You would want someone who is actually interested in you, not just get into a relationship with anyone, right? Right! So, how do you do this? Astrology, of course!

Knowing his zodiac sign is the first step in using astrology to your advantage — and no, not to take advantage of him or manipulate him.

Think of it as cheat cards when you get lost. If he’s an Aries, he’s probably looking for someone he can have adventures with. If he’s a Virgo, he might be more attracted to intelligence.

So, if you wanted Aries to choose you, you probably wouldn’t act like a Virgo and vice versa. Make sense?

Each zodiac sign has their own personality traits and preferences when it comes to dating, and both of these things work together to help him choose the right person to date.

So, if you want to know how to get him to choose you (over someone else), you need to understand what his zodiac sign is looking for. After that, he’s all yours!


ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Aries is a passionate guy and he wants whoever he’s dating to be just as passionate and “into” things as he is. The one way to make sure Aries is NEVER interested in you is to be totally unattached and disinterested.

If you’re not jumping up and down when he tells you that he’s planned a weekend away for the two of you or you tell him you don’t really care what you two do on Friday night, then he’s probably going to find someone else who IS interested.

If you want him to choose you over anyone else who’s interested in him, get excited! Start a food fight while you’re cooking dinner together, kiss him passionately when you’re out on the town, let yourself geek out when you’re actually excited about something instead of holding it in because you’re worried what he’s going to think.

And if you don’t really have the exact same interests? Just showing him that you’re not shy about talking about things that make you happy is something that will always keep you on his mind.


RELATED: These 18 Texts Will Get Your Man To Text Back F-A-S-T


TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Taurus is a huge romantic, but he’s also crazy stubborn. So, the minute you hesitate when he’s making dinner plans or asking if you’re ready to take things to the next level, his mind is probably already on someone else… Sorry.

He likes when the person he’s dating to participate in the relationship just as much as he does – like how when a class says that you need participation points to pass, it means you’re gonna have to raise your hand a few times.

He might feel like he has to take control at first, but if he has to take control ALL the time, he’s going to lose interest. Smash all of those pre-conceived notions he has of needing to be a chivalrous boyfriend and be proactive!

Before he asks you what you want to do this weekend, plan a paddleboat ride through the park or buy tix to an outdoor concert and text him something like, “Hey! I was thinking about you this week and I’m really excited to spend some time together this weekend.

Hope you’re free Saturday because I’ve planned something awesome for us!” Five bucks says he floats through the rest of his week, knowing you’re doing something fun and romantic for the two of you.


GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Gemini can be a hard guy to read when it comes to figuring out if he’s totally into you or only kind of into you. Yes, you hit it off when you first met, but now that you two are in that weird stage where you’re hanging out and hooking up, but there are no labels yet, it’s hard to tell what he’s really looking for without grilling him.

We all know that Gemini is much better at starting relationships than following through with them, and his attention span might be working against you, but don’t forget that Gemini is the kind of guy who needs clear communication — not just hints.

Squash all of those, “Is he? Isn’t he?” questions you’re having and just hold his hand! It’s that easy, and you want to know why? Because instead of getting caught up in your thoughts, you’re just going for it.

He’ll love that you’re brave enough to show him you like him in public, but more simply, that you like him. He’s definitely not shy when it comes to PDA and if he knows that you’re willing to prove you’re into him and care about him, he definitely won’t be thinking about anyone else; make the first move and he’s yours.


RELATED: Zodiac Signs Who Love PDA (And The Ones Who Hate It), Ranked


CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Disagree with me all you want, but cooking for someone is one of the most intimate things you can do when you’re really into them. Not only can you do sexy things like feed each other little tastes of what you’re cooking, but add some wine and intimate conversation by candlelight and you’ve got an amazingly romantic night together…

Oh, and the key to Cancer’s heart. The combination of all of these things, plus the fact that you’re willing to do something so personal for him, will make it an easy choice for him.

Plus, while Cancer does like going out on the town with his partner, he’s also a huge fan of cozy nights in and comfort food. And whether you make one of his favorite dishes or you totally wow the both of you with something unique and delicious, he’s definitely going to want to show off something he can cook, too.

And nothing is sexier than a little friendly competition, right? And another great way to keep him hooked? Make your dinner dates a weekly thing, so he has something to look forward to (AKA you).


LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Not everyone prefers a night in, of course, because every zodiac sign has different tastes. Take Leo, for example. Unless going back to his place means he gets to show off his new silk bedsheets, he much prefers to take his partner out and show them off.

If you want Leo to choose you over someone else, you gotta be down to show off your power couple status and spend some cash. Lions are majestic creatures and Leo knows that going big is a good way to get noticed — especially by someone you like.

That said, Leo is also attracted to those who are courageous enough to make the first move because it means there’s a good chance you can keep up with him. What does making the first move look like for Leo? I’d say something along the lines of planning a lavish night out.

He’ll think it pretty sexy if you can woo him with some bubbly champagne, a nice meal, and a romantic walk around the city. Show him that you like the finer things in life, too, and he’ll be super impressed.

And the other great thing about dating Leo is that he fully believes in equality in relationships. So while you might be picking up the tab one night, he’ll be more than happy to pick it up next week. All he cares about is getting closer to you over chocolate-covered strawberries and low lighting… Ohhh, yeah.


RELATED: The GUARANTEED Way To Not Feel Awkward When He Pays


VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

If you want to hook a Virgo man, you have to have GREAT conversation skills – like, you can talk to just about anyone and make them feel like they had a really meaningful conversation with you.

For Virgo, relationships are much more than just spending time together or being intimate; they’re also about opening up to a person that means a lot to you — not just anyone.

You can tell this means a lot to Virgo because he’s known for seeming a little closed off around people until he knows what they really want out of him. If you’re looking for a casual hook-up, keep lookin’ because Virgo isn’t interested.

To get Virgo to be interested in you and only you, tap into your sensitive side and open up to him. He’ll love it if you go to him for all of your deep, late-night conversations you want to have, and be even more infatuated with you if you want to spend time with him in person when you want to talk — rather than over the phone.

When he knows that you really do care about what he has to say and you want to know more about him, he’ll really feel like he’s making a deep connection with you that’s beyond anything he has with anyone else; and that’s BIG for Virgo.


LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Libra is very intense when it comes to relationships; he’s looking for someone he can spend his life with, after all1 And when he feels like someone just isn’t putting their all into being with him, he tends to lose interest very fast.

Of course, you’re certainly not the only one out there looking to make a long-term commitment, so you want to make sure that you stand out from all the rest so that Libra can see just how special you truly are.

Libra is serious about love, so it’s a pre-requisite that you are too – no flaking on him after a few months! Once you decide that you are ready for the long haul, the best way to make him yours for good is to get excited about the future! Just saying you’re into him isn’t enough, and no, that doesn’t mean you have to start talking about babies, either.

Attracting Libra is all about letting the romance lead you. Take him to meet your family, schedule a day where his friends and your friends can get to know each other, and make him feel like he’s an important part of your life and future; make him believe in the phrase “when you know, you know.”


RELATED: Zodiac Signs Who Make Great Dads — Ranked From Best To Worst


SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Scorpio is one of those guys who tend to be more interested in you when you pretend like you’re not interested in him. Yeah, crazy right? He’s in love with the chase, but he also needs to know that when he finally catches you that you’re going to stick around.

If he wants to keep things casual, he’ll make sure he never catches feelings, but there is a way to make sure that he is actually into you and not just playing around.

While he’ll be the first to flirt and play games with your heart, he’ll also secretly be testing the waters; asking you what you’re looking for in a guy and if you want something serious.

The biggest thing to make sure that he stays interested in you and no one else (besides feigning interest yourself) is being honest. Scorpio won’t even bother with the games if he thinks you’re just using him or saying what he wants to hear to keep him around.

If he asks you a serious question seemingly out of the blue, go with it. Say what’s in your heart so he knows he can trust you. When he inevitably goes back to the chase, play along; miss a few of his calls and leave every conversation with him wanting more and he’ll be eating out of the palm of your hand in no time.


SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius wants adventure and someone to share memories with. He might not seem like it, what with his ability to make every relationship seem casual and unattached, but he’s had his fair share of love and loss.

He’s the kind of guy who’s constantly trying to grow from his mistakes and past experiences, so just because he seems like he’s bouncing around from one partner to another, he’s really just looking for that next important relationship. He’ll definitely want someone who can have fun rather than wanting to get too serious too fast.

Make him choose you over everyone else by making yourself the last person he thinks of every night before he goes to sleep. Late at night is Sagittarius’ time to ruminate on the important things and let his mind wander.

He might have a totally full schedule during the day, but it’s what he thinks about right before he goes to bed that’s most important to him. Ask him for company when you go on a late-night Taco Bell run or invite him on a last-minute weekend trip to the lake with you and your friends.

Whether it’s just the two of you together or a whole group of you, all he’ll see is that you’re willing to make him feel welcome in any situation. And if you really want to seal the deal, send him a flirty good night text, thanking him for spending time with you and making your day more exciting.


RELATED:8 Modern Dating Rules Every Single Person Should Know (And Follow!)


CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

When Capricorn looks for someone to get serious with, he looks at his prospects from a lot of different angles. The most important thing for him is making sure that his potential partner has a rich, full life outside of their relationship.

That means that if you want Capricorn in your life, you need to prove that you have ambition in your career, solid friendships, and a strong connection with your family. If he feels like you only ever go out when he asks you on a date or that you don’t care about being the best you that you can be, he won’t stick around for very long.

This might make it seem like Capricorn has a laundry list of expectations for you, but in reality, he just wants to have a strong relationship that is built on more than just spending time together.

You can prove that you’re the right one for him by putting as much effort into your career and self as you put into your relationship. Remember that spending time apart is just as healthy as spending time together — your relationship with Capricorn should be built on trust, openness, and respect, rather than just how much time you’re together.

When you’re honest about what you want from Capricorn, he’ll return the effort you put into the relationship and more.


AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Aquarius is a very independent man, so it’s hard for others to get him to let his guard down and really fall in love. But just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean it’s impossible – it just means you have to be willing to work a little harder than usual.

Aquarius’ biggest hang-up about not wanting to be in a relationship is based on two things: his independence and his mindset that not everyone gets him. He’s used to being his own problem solver and doesn’t want to give up his identity just to be with someone else.

If you want to get Aquarius to choose you, you need to show him that you care. Instead of swooping in to take care of all his problems, collaborate with him on what’s bugging him. And if he still wants to do his own thing, then show him that you still want to be around him and will always be there to listen and keep him company.

If you show him that you want to be his friend AND his partner, he’ll have a hard time resisting you; he can’t say no to someone who cares about him deeply.


RELATED:12 Ways To Get REAL About Your Life — So You Can FINALLY Love Yourself


PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Pisces is the guy who needs someone who constantly shows that they care about him before he can make things official. It can kind of freak him out when he realizes that he’s falling for you, but if he knows that there’s a good foundation for your relationship, he’s more than willing to push past his fears.

So, how do you get him to have heart eyes for you and you only? By expressing your emotions with each other. Pisces is a big feeler and he has a lot of emotions. But he needs to know that you’ll accept him no matter what and that your relationship is about giving and receiving.

If he thinks that he’s doing all the talking, then he’ll feel like he’s just bothering you and stop. Prove to him that you’re sticking around for more than just a casual hook-up or friendship by being the one he comes to first whenever he wants to talk.

Share your emotions and thoughts with him candidly and often, and he’ll hit you up whenever he wants to talk or hang out. Pisces is looking for a friend and a confidant; someone who makes him feel special and wanted, no matter what he’s going through. Plus, emotional maturity is crazy sexy and Pisces is all over that


Patience Isua filmed her children engaging in homosexuality

News, relationship

A Nigerian mother, Patience Isua, has lost custody of her three-year-old twin boys after she filmed them engaging in homosexuality and sent the atrocious video to their father, Emmanuel Ikanta.

Patience Isua and her babies’ father, Emmanuel Ikanta don’t live together.

Patience Isua Emmanuel Ikanta films twin boys getting intimate lailasnews

Crying at the Lagos state police command yesterday, Patience said she filmed her sons making love to themselves to prove to their father hat the twins were engaging in an abominable act. She said he had never believed her when she told him.

According to Patience, she noticed that her sons practice very strange things whenever they return from visiting their father who now lives with an older woman.

Patience believes that her children usually saw their father making love to his older love and that whenever they come back to her home, they practice the act on themselves.

The Lagos state police became involved when Emmanuel reported the clip to the police.

The children were taken from their mother’s 2, Olugbemiga Ladipo, Ado in Ajah, Lagos home, on Tuesday night by Police Commissioner Imohimi Edgal and some officials of the Ministry of Women Affairs.

Speaking after the police command, Patience said:

”Yes, I took the video myself. He was not around when I sent it to him. My children stay with me and they stay with him as well.

He comes to pick the children to wherever he is staying. We have been living apart since last year that he took me to a human rights organisation. It was agreed that he should have 12 hours with the kids at weekends but he did not stick to the agreement.

Sometimes, he took them with him for many days and when they came back, they usually exhibited strange behaviours. I am aware that he lives with an older woman.

So, he takes them there and whenever they are there, I get worried because I do not know what my children are going through in the hands of the woman. Somebody trained my boys to practice such devilish act. This is an abuse.

I do not know who trained them to be like this. Before I saw them and videoed it, I had told their father that whenever they came back from his house they usually complained of pain.

There were signs before it got to this stage. I don’t know where he takes them to and what they are fed. Most times they come back stooling blood or complaining of pains in their anus. I called his attention to it but he didn’t listen.

This is what has been killing me silently. There was a day they went to school from his house and their auntie (teacher) called me to complain that my children were stooling blood. I told her to report to their father because they came to school from his house.

Then I called him the following day to ask if their auntie complained to him and he said ‘yes’. When I asked what they ate, he hung up.

Another time, one of my sons while pooing, said his anus was paining him. I took him out of the toilet and I saw fresh wounds. Again I called to find out where he usually took the kids, because I did not understand what was happening.

I told him his children would come back from where he takes them to and they would sit on the chair and start saying mummy, daddy kiss.

So, when I saw them that day, I had to video and send to him so that he would see the damage he was causing to our kids. He now turned the whole thing around and wants to blame me, whereas, I told him to stop taking my kids where he usually took them.

I know they picked up the habit where he usually took them to, because in my house, they do not have access to television and they do not go out. I only take them to school and church.

I live with my sister, who goes to work and comes back late. So, it is certainly not in my house that they saw such devilish act.”

Isua said she took her kids for deliverance after she caught them engaging in homosexuality.

“I also trained them. I told my kids to shout and tell their daddy should anyone try to touch their private parts. I told them to scream ‘Satan!’”he said

On his part, father of the twins, Ikanta denied the allegations that his estranged wife infomed him of his children’s strange behaviour.

“I was really surprised when she sent me that video. I never imagined such a thing would happen. So, you took your time to video this without you shouting at them to stop and you said you wanted to send it to me?” he queried.

Speaking on the incident, the commissioner of police, Edgal Imohimi, said the police would investigate where the children picked up the homosexual tendencies.

“This is a very serious act and as a mother you see your children and your response was to video it?

Now apart from you videoing this what other actions did you take? Who did you report to?

It is not only the police that are concerned. You can see we have a Child Protection Unit from the Ministry of Youth and Social Development. People are concerned. You would agree with me that these children are supposed to be under strict parental care and guidance.

From this video, you will agree that it doesn’t show good example of parental care.

Having discussed it with experts and also officials from the Ministry of Youth and Social Development, we are of the opinion that there is need to find out more as to what is going on regarding the welfare of the children. As such, we are also of the opinion that we cannot entrust these children to your care for now, until we understand exactly what is going on.

We would entrust the children to the ministry. That is why they are here. They have shelters that are approved by the government and these shelters are purposely built for purposes such as this to ensure that children are protected by the state when the need arises.

There is going to be a joint investigation between the police gender unit and the ministry. We want to be sure that nobody is abusing these children. We want to know where they picked up this kind of elaborate homosexual act.

Anyone who sees this would be worried especially because of the tenderness of the children. They are too young. We cannot entrust them to any of you.

We intend to take this matter to a law court to determine the suitability of both of you for parenthood.”

Don’t do it! 6 people share their cautionary tales of sex with the Ex – Bibi Lynch

Entertainment, personality, relationship

ex

Well, this is awkward (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Ex didn’t mark the spot, if you get my sledge-hammer drift. ‘I projectile vomited over all of them’:

10 people tell us the worst things ‘drunk them’ did I know people say ex-sex is great because they know what turns you on – but I say it grates because you know what turned you off (them). A memorable not-quite-blast from the past caught me clocking Tampax in his bathroom cabinet (‘regular’, so I knew they weren’t his) and a piece of paper with a phone number and ‘Helen Big Tits’ written on it. See? Not the most orgasmic of set-ups. Look back in anger, kids. But not with lust.

Jack, 23, from Taunton Oh God, no. I wouldn’t do sex with the ex. Not me. But deffo someone at my sixth form did. And he deserved what happened, TBF. He broke up with his sixth-form girlfriend before going to uni and then started dating someone else there. He’d been slagging his ex off behind her back, calling her fat and saying he was much better off now with the girl he was with. Somehow, this gets back to his ex who, the next time he’s back home for summer, flirts like crazy with him until he sleeps with her again, thinking he’s Mr Big Shot who pulls all the women. She then goes and tells all his mates they shagged, obviously in the hope it gets back to his girlfriend. Which, somehow, it does. Moral of the story? Girls are crazy, man – never, ever, make them angry…..

 

Read More at: Metro

Meet the woman with a husband, fiancé and two boyfriends

News, personality, relationship

 

ase

(Picture: MEN Media)

Mary Crumpton has more men in her life than the average 44-year-old. As well as a husband, she also has a fiancé and two boyfriends. The former teacher started exploring polyamory aged 29, having been brought up in quite conventional surroundings. ‘I was brought up in quite a traditional home,’ she says. ‘I had boyfriends and was monogamous.

Having more than one partner never crossed my mind. In my twenties, I got married and settled down in Chorlton fully intending to be with my husband for life. ‘At the time I didn’t really question having just one partner. It was normal. I did sometimes have feelings for other people, but I felt guilty about doing so and just took it as a sign that I didn’t love my husband enough. When the marriage didn’t work out, I met someone else, and started a monogamous relationship with him.

‘The idea that loving more than one person might not make me a terrible human being only dawned on me when, at a pub, I bumped into a person who had more than one partner. I had never come across it before, or the term “polyamory” which means “more-than-one love”. I was quite shocked, and curious about how it all worked for them.’ She says that her partner was with her when she met the polyamorous stranger and he was curious about it too.

Mary and Timothy Crumpton

Mary and Timothy Crumpton on their wedding day. The couple now co-habit with Mary’s fiancé John, who she will ‘marry’ in a commitment ceremony this year (Picture: MEN Media)

One of the lovely things about a life with more than one partner is that there is no pressure on one person to supply all my needs. My husband Tim and I share an enthusiasm for environmentalism and all that entails, like electric cars, and veganism. With my fiancé John I enjoy watching science fiction and we go to church together. ‘With Michael, I like to watch and support him playing for his local darts team at the Royal Oak, and we go to karaoke nights – which is possibly more embarrassing than admitting to polyamory!

‘Living in a house with more than one partner is something I have done for a number of years now. I suppose in many ways it is no different from living in a shared house with a group of friends, or family. All the usual things about whose turn it is to wash up, etcetera. Tim and John get on well, I suppose a bit like brothers, going on bicycle rides together for example. So it seems to work okay. They have something in common in that they both love me of course, and friends joke that I need two of them to keep me in line.’

As in any relationship, insecurities can arise but Mary thinks that perhaps there’s less jealousy because there’s no need to lie about infidelities in an open relationship. ‘Sometimes there might be a fear that a new partner is “better” in some way than a current one, but good communication and offering reassurances allows that to be dealt with.

‘In many ways, I have found that being in open relationships has forced me to communicate much better. I am very honest and open with my partners about my feelings and needs, in a way that I didn’t have the courage to be in previous monogamous relationships. So I think I have grown as a person, and have better and stronger relationships now. ‘Of course, all of that is possible in monogamous relationships, and I am not suggesting polyamory is in any way better, just different. But it works well for me personally.’

As for other people’s reactions, Mary says most people have been great – although she has been called a ‘slapper’ and a ‘slag’. ‘I have had women assume that I am a “man-eater” and will try to seduce their husband – to be honest, that just makes me laugh. I have also been told that what I do is “against God’s law”, though in fact there are many instances of multiple marriages in religious texts, and there are denominations of both Christianity and Islam that allow multiple marriages. ‘Mostly though, people are open to my lifestyle – they can see that I am honest with my partners and that we are all happy, so they see it as no one’s business but ours.’

Mary, 44, says that despite being polyamorous, she is quite old fashioned and likes to get to know her men before things turn physical

Mary Crumpton(Picture: MEN Media)

And Mary is pretty traditional in the way she goes about starting relationships. She says that she doesn’t ‘do’ one-night-stands and that she generally waits a month before becoming sexual with anyone she starts dating. ‘I suppose in that sense I am old-fashioned. My relationships themselves vary in how sexual they are – one of them being more platonic with not much more than cuddling and kissing. ‘I suppose that, for me, is another good thing about polyamory – each relationship can find its own level in terms of sex and with other things too. And there is no pressure on one relationship to tick all the boxes, so to speak.’ Mary is standing at the next local election for the Chorlton ward representing the Green Party.

 

metro.

 

Orgasms, assemble: You can now get Avengers themed sex toys by Ellen Scott

Entertainment, relationship

It’s nearly time to fulfill all that building anticipation with the ultimate release of Avengers: Infinity War. To celebrate, you might as well make sure your masturbation session is suitably themed. Enter Geeky Sex Toys’ new Avengers collection. Yes, these are the same people behind Pokemon sex toys, unicorn dildos, and Star Wars themed vibrators, so it makes perfect sense that they’d bring out some products inspired by Thor and his pals.

The toys aren’t actually called Avengers sex toys, because, well, we doubt Marvel would give that the okay. Instead they’re called The Indulgers. Here’s what’s on offer.

The Incredible Dong

the-incredible-dong-e1524557405716.jpg(Picture: Geeky Sex Toys)

A large green dildo with a length of 8.5″ and a circumference of 7.8″.

Agent Getsmeoff

agent-e1524557499134(Picture: Geeky Sex Toys)

This is a vibrating secret agent you stick your penis in.

Moan-Inir

hammer-e1524557454823

(Picture: Geeky Sex Toys)

A hammer dildo with its very own stand. Thor would approve.

Infinity Fist

fist(Picture: Geeky Sex Toys)

If you don’t fancy using this for its intended purpose, a golden fist also makes a lovely prop with which to cheer at screenings.

Arse Reactor

butt-plug-e1524557473870.jpg(Picture: Geeky Sex Toys)

It glows in the dark.

Hawkass Arrow Dildo

hawkeye-dildo-e1524557439631

Picture: Geeky Sex Toys)

Please do not shoot this with a bow, anywhere.

Captain Anal

buttplug-captain-america-e1524557464615                               (Picture: Geeky Sex Toys)

It’s a butt plug. If you fancy having a browse or buying the range, you can take in all the sex toy splendour over on Geeky Sex Toys.

Man gets 16 years’ jail and 15 strokes for sex offences against 10 young girls — Kopitiam Bot

News, relationship

(Source: sg.news.yahoo.com) A 20-year-old man was sentenced to 16 years’ jail and given 15 strokes of the cane at the High Court on Monday (23 April) for committing sexual offences against 10 underaged girls. Goh Kar Aip had pleaded guilty on 19 February to four charges – three counts of sexual penetration of a minor […]

 

A 20-year-old man was sentenced to 16 years’ jail and given 15 strokes of the cane at the High Court on Monday (23 April) for committing sexual offences against 10 underaged girls.

Goh Kar Aip had pleaded guilty on 19 February to four charges – three counts of sexual penetration of a minor and one count of sexual assault by penetration – in relation to two of the victims.

An additional 34 charges were stood down for his sentencing.

From September 2014, Goh began chatting up girls from single-sex schools aged between 12 and 13 through apps such as Facebook and Instagram.

Once the girls were comfortable chatting with him, he would then centre their conversations on sex-related topics before moving on to exchanging nude photos with them.

Goh arranged to meet one such 12-year-old girl on 19 December 2015. During the meeting, Goh kissed and groped her, then brought her up to the bedroom of his flat where he continued to molest her.

After the encounter, the girl asked to break up with Goh as she did not feel comfortable seeing someone who was much older than her. Goh then threatened to circulate screenshots of their sex-related WhatsApp conversations to her school unless she did everything he asked her to do.

Terrified, she agreed. The two met again on 29 December, where Goh molested her and once again threatened to circulate their WhatsApp conversation. At the staircase landing of his block, he then performed a sex act on her twice and took photos of himself touching the girl.

Goh committed a similar offence on another girl on three occasions between 11 January and 24 January 2016. On the fourth occasion, in March that year, he brought the girl back to his flat and performed sex acts on her.

The offences came to light when a teacher heard that a young man had been harassing her students. She then discovered that four students had met Goh and that one of them was in a relationship with him. The girls’ parents were informed and a police report was lodged against him.

In March this year, parents of a 13-year-old girl made a police report after reading media reports about Goh.

The prosecution sought at least 15 years’ jail and 15 strokes of the cane for Goh, saying that he had “demonstrated a perverse desire to sexually violate pubescent young girls”.

Justice Kannan Ramesh handed down a jail term of 16 years and 15 strokes of the cane.

Goh sought a two-week deferment on his jail term, saying that his mother was in ill health and that he needed to help run her hawker stall.

Addressing the court, Goh said that the jail term “is going to be a very long time”.  “I beg Your Honour to give me this time to make sure she’ll (Goh’s mother) be okay,” he said.

The prosecution objected to the deferment, saying that Goh knew he would be sentenced today and should have made preparations for his mother to be taken care of beforehand.

Denying Goh’s request, Justice Kannan pointed out that given the length of time between the date that Goh pleaded guilty and his sentencing, he should have already made plans for his mother’s situation.

via Man gets 16 years’ jail and 15 strokes for sex offences against 10 young girls — Kopitiam Bot

Church Pastor, Sam Kayode Jailed For Stealing N2BN (£4M) From The School He Worked For

News, relationship
 

A crooked school accountant faces an extra eight years in prison unless he pays almost £3million in ten days.,Philandering part-time church pastor Sam Kayode, 61, was jailed in 2016 for nine years for taking £4million from the Haberdashers’ Aske’s state school chain. The married father of four, who had three mistresses, tried to blame the theft on his late wife Grace and a young assistant, claiming they had transferred money to his account in a bid to smear him over his adulteries. 

Now his sentence has been almost doubled after barrister James Thacker, acting for the Crown Prosecution Service’s specialist fraud division, told a proceeds of crime confiscation hearing that he had spirited away around £3million, probably to Nigeria and Dubai.


Sam Kayode, pictured outside Woolwich Crown Court, was told to pay back £3million or face a further eight years in jail

The lovers he showered with gifts might also face legal action.

The hearing at Woolwich Crown Court earlier this month was told that after Kayode joined Haberdashers’ Aske’s in 1997, it expanded enormously and embraced ‘academy’ reforms that gave schools more control over their finances.

Judge Nicholas Heathcote Williams said in his new judgment: ‘Over nearly seven years Kayode stole and defrauded over £4million from Haberdashers’ by transferring money from their account to his and his wife Grace’s.’

His boss, chief financial officer Paul Durgan, failed to notice any money was missing. Kayode was caught only when a school cleaner spotted bank account statements in his office.

The accountant earned £57,000 a year for his work at the chain’s south-east London schools, but drove a fleet of cars including several Mercedes, an Audi TT and a £40,000 Infiniti, carried a £1,500 Louis Vuitton briefcase and wore £500 Gucci shoes.

He has stopped claiming that his crimes were carried out by his late wife, who died of cancer in 2013 aged 53, and a junior employee.

Haberdashers’ has recovered £571,000 from the sale of flats and houses he owned, but at least £2.75million remains potentially recoverable.

Kayode was told that if he does not pay it all back by the end of this month he will be given an extra eight years.

The judge said: ‘The defendant is a very selfish, greedy and dishonest man. His evidence has been characterised by pauses – while he is clearly calculating, not always accurately, what answers will help him and he may get away with – and by grudging, evasive replies.’

The court heard more than £1million of the missing money was funnelled to Nigeria, where his ‘second wife or girlfriend’ Olubunmi ‘Bunmi’ Halima, 35, managed his business. He gave £266,000 to Halima, more than £77,000 to a second girlfriend Yetunde Turtak in Dartford, Kent, and hundreds of thousands more to relatives and friends in Nigeria.

Judge Heathcote Williams said he doubted every word but it ‘provides a clue where some of the hidden assets are’. A third alleged mistress, Toyin Lawal, 52, of Northfleet, Kent, told the Daily Mail they were not lovers and Kayode simply paid a month’s rent for her when he was a church pastor.

Police took almost three years to charge Kayode after he was caught, giving him plenty of time to hide his fortune.

Mr Durgan, who failed to spot his employee’s fraud, went on to be hired by the auditors who missed the crime, then worked for another school chain.

source: gst